LFA Café
Advice about Relationships => Teens with family problems => Topic started by: MaryAnne on January 19, 2002, 03:49:15 AM
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Alright, this is probably one you've never heard before but I really dont know what to do. -a few weeks ago I caught my best friend, aged 18, having sex with my 13 year old sister, thats right, thirteen! I promptly kicked him out and went for a drive to think. The next day I invited him over to talk about the situation, before I talked to him I talked to my sister about it and nothing came out of that conversation (basically she didnt see the many problems surrounding that kind of relationship and wouldnt listen to reason- all she said was that she really cared for him- and somehow that made it OK to do what they were doing). So anyway, he came over and we ended up not talking about it at all and havent since, I just can't bring it up, and he's certainly not willing to. The way things are right now, if someone outside was observing my household it would appear as if nothing ever happened. They told me that I would have to be ok with theyre relationship for it to continue and although I am blatently not ok with it, I just found out that they still see eachother during the day when I'm at work. Now, Im sure you see the implications of theyre whole relationship but when he comes into my house during the day, he's risking being caught by my mom ( which would be devestating to the quality of life for everyone involved) and also once again breaking the trust we're supposed to have as friends by lying to me over and over. As much as I don't want my mom or his parents finding out, I do feel that whats happening is wrong and can't continue but I dont know what to do about it, I sometimes want to just go and tell someone like his mom just so it can stop but that I couldnt do that to his parents or my mom and of course my sister would hate me forever. (we had a very strong relationship before this and I dont want to see her hurt either) What should I do? It would be great to get any advice at all. thank's in advance, Corey
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Corey:
I want you to know I understand your dilemma especially since you have a close relationship with your sister. But let me remind you that what is happening in your parent’s home is illegal and is statutory rape. Your sister is barely a teenager. She is not in a position to make mature decisions nor should it be her responsibility. I do believe your parents would like to have their rights too. Which is that she is their child and to have your child sexually abused under your own roof and your son actually is covering it up I can not think of a greater betrayal to a parent.
I think you are taking a role that is a little above your right. You are not the parent either. She is your sister but there is a big difference between that and being a parent. Also there is something wrong with this guy that he is attracted to a 13 year old who is not even done developing. He needs help and you are doing no one a favor by hiding all of this. You are not protecting who you should be protecting which is your sister. You are not keeping the trust of your parents that you are old enough not to allow illegal and abusive acts to take place under their roof. And you are not doing yourself any favors as far as where you are placing your priorities. Your sister may hate you for a while but someday she won’t when she is able to understand that a man who is attracted to a 13 year is sick and not someone she would want to be with any way. I have worked in Psychiatry for many years and yes people have had to do things of betrayal to get their loved ones help but I have never seen the loved one still hate their betrayer when they got mentally better. Besides as I say the longer you hold this the deeper you are getting into it. You are legally liable too. Somebody is going to find out and eventually your parents will find out I guarantee you that and then they are going to come to you and Corey the betrayal they are going to feel about you is going to be so bad that you will all have to go into therapy to just get your relationship to be a relationship, you could lose your parents as far as them ever trusting you. It really is very serious and maybe you are showing your youth by not seeing this and what the ramifications for you are. You can be charged and do jail time. You could end up with a record all to protect a sick unnatural crime. Believe me they prosecute statutory rape if you watch the news at all. The district attorney takes it very seriously with all the abuse in this country and exploitation of children.
So show your maturity and that you can think like a responsible adult and go to your parents immediately and sit them down and calmly tell them what you found. Explain your reluctance to tell because of the relationship with your sister but do it. And do not tell your sister before hand because at her age she might do something dangerous like a suicide attempt. So it is better that she knows nothing before you tell your parents. Take them in a room she can not hear what is happening. We want to keep her safe and her welfare is the most important part of this whole thing. The second most important thing is the keeping together of your family with trust and work together to correct this situation.
Right now if you guide your parents to not over react to just let the police deal with it or deal with the boy and his parents, talk with their daughter as she did nothing wrong she is the victim even if she doesn’t think so. She should not be punished for having feelings. They need to get her into therapy but no punishment that is not the goal. The goal is to protect her, get the boy help and to stop this right here and now and to inform her parents.
If you do this now tonight you can keep things from getting out of hand and everyone can get what they need and your family can stay intact.
If you wait you are going to see your family go down and you are going to be the bad guy. Trust me on this one. You need to listen to me I know the laws. I know human nature and I have worked in all of this way too many years not to know what I am talking about.
So, you go now and talk to your parents and make sure your sister is in a safe place no able to hear and not able to read this email. Protect her and let your parents handle what a parent is supposed to be allowed to handle, not a young man who is the son not the father or mother.
I am so sorry this is happening and it will affect your family but you have a family that seems to love well I think it will recover from this but it is a trauma and there will be a very disruptive period and very uncomfortable but again trust me if you do what I say your family will recover and maybe even be stronger than before. You definitely have nothing to lose.
Please let me know what happens I truly care and want to know how this works out.
If you need me in any way do not hesitate to write me,
God Bless You now go do what you need to do,
MaryAnne