LFA Café

Advice about Relationships => Questions and MaryAnne's Advice => Topic started by: MaryAnne on January 10, 2002, 08:32:18 PM

Title: Sexual problems from past lover doesn't understand
Post by: MaryAnne on January 10, 2002, 08:32:18 PM
­ Dear MaryAnne,
I feel a bit silly emailing you. I'm 29, and by now should have a grasp on life - well, ideally.
Anyway, I've got a new boyfriend. We've been good friends for over a year, and started going out four weeks ago.
I'm dearly fond of him, and am falling in love with him.
However, I am having trouble coping with our sex life.
I suspect that my problems stem from my experiences as a teenager, between the ages of 16 and 18. I was taken advantage of by a teacher old enough to be my father. This man was highly thought of in the community, but to me and scores of other young people he was selfish, manipulative and powerful. One of my friends was just ten years old when he started abusing her.
We complained about him to the police, though the case was never taken to court.He is still teaching now, ten years later.
He was the first man I slept with. I was drunk at the time, and didn't want to, though he coerced me into it. He also put me under pressure to stimulate him, which I hated.
Until recently, I thought I had come to terms with those experiences. But maybe not.
My new boyfriend is a lot more sexually passionate and outgoing than I am. He has expressed disappointment at me not being a sex kitten, which I have found really stressful.I have started crying twice during sex, and twice (for two whole days) after.
I can't escape the emotions from those early days, of not having control over what is done to me, feeling that my value to a man is just sexual, and that if I don't comply I'll be left on my own.
Me and my new boyfriend should be having fun, not dealing with complicated issues like this.
I've told him about the abuse, and asked him to be gentle with me. However, it seems to fall on deaf ears when we climb into bed.
I'm scared that I'll frighten him away if I let him know how upset I am.
I know you'll advise me to talk to him. I just bumped into your website and wanted to talk.
I haven't told my parents or any friends about this, so I've got no-one to talk to.
I'd be grateful of your support.
Jessica Andrews.
Title: ­ Jessica:
Post by: MaryAnne on January 10, 2002, 08:42:23 PM
­ Jessica:

First I have tried for two days to email your answer and you do not have the address you gave me with hotmail. I get so upset when I can not answer someone but you need to check and get your hotmail address fixed thank goodness you wanted it posted here. Send me another email address and I will send you a copy of my letter. MaryAnne

I am glad you wrote. I have some things I need you to look at. I understand that you are in love with this guy but Jessica you are at the “in love” part of this relationship. With what is going on with your sex life it really doesn’t look good for you. Especially the way you are perceiving all of it. You are looking at it as if it is you and then justify it because of the sexual abuse. Yes, I agree you have not worked through the abuse and that you need to do. You need to get into therapy with someone who is an expert on sexual abuse not just some counselor that is not enough under the circumstances. In fact you find a few and I will check them out and make sure they are experts. But what you are feeling and dealing with sexually with this guy Jessica I and I think everyone I know would be reacting and feeling the same way you do. He may be God’s gift to women but in the sexual and love making department he is cruel and kinky. No guy should put that kind of pressure on you even if you haven’t been sexually abused. I know you have been friends for a long time but that is so far from intimate partners it doesn’t even count. You have only been dating him for 4 weeks or so and first sleeping together that soon makes me question how pushy the relationship is being done. You are not taking your time like you said going out and having fun. No woman except a prostitute is going to be receptive especially after only 4 weeks to be any guys “sex kitten” no you are a woman not a kitten. I would be upset and like I said I don’t know any woman that wouldn’t be upset. It would take me years with my husband, my husband not a boyfriend for 4 weeks, before we could discuss much less would I feel comfortable being his anything but lover and mate. Then if he discussed it like your boyfriend does you I could never do what he wanted. He is putting an awful lot of pressure on you Jessica and very selfish. Especially after what you told him that is so sensitive he should put your feelings and needs above his sexual fantasies. That is not love that is selfish. You are being re-traumatized that is why your memories and feelings are coming back so much and will continue to come back more traumatic. This is not the way to work this kind of trauma out.
Then to express his disappointment about you not being a “sex kitten” that kind of statement would make a man impotent for life. It definitely did not do you or your sexuality any good. With what you have been through and in a new relationship you need loving, supportive understanding not criticism, well none of us need criticism especially in that area. Jessica you tell me that I will tell you to “talk to him” which means you have talked to other counselors and I don’t know what they have said but you can’t keep going from counselor to counselor forever. Eventually you have to realize there is a “problem” in the relationship not just your sexual past. So he has a problem too.
It also bothers me that you don’t care about yourself. In your letter your fear is losing him and that what you are doing and not doing is going to drive him away. What about what he is doing to Jessica? Isn’t she the one who was sexually abused and being told hurtful things about her sexual performance? Who is in there protecting her? I guess I am the only one. That isn’t very good. Do you like Jessica? Do you want her to have a healthy and happy marriage? If you are only one month into this relationship and you can not communicate and be honest now, what do you think things will be like after 10 years of marriage. I don’t know how much you know about men and marriage, let me inform you of one thing before marriage is when people are on their “best” behavior. If you think talking to him falls on deaf ears now what do you think is going to happen after years of marriage? If you think he wants a sex kitten now what do you think he is going to want after 10 long years of sex with the same woman?? If you are afraid to tell him what is in your heart now because you don’t want to lose him, after 10 years there will be no Jessica just an extension of him and this lost woman who lives in fear of her own truth and unable to be herself. I know you are in love but you really need to think here and look at the reality of life. Getting a man and keeping him I hope went out with outhouses. Becoming yourself and making that of value with the right to have your needs and desires heard and respected has become the norm. I hope you are wrong and I am right. Either way, this is your life that I have just described if you keep thinking and talking the way you are in this letter. No I do not think you need to talk to him yet. I think you need to talk to yourself first and decide what you are worth and whether you are going to protect yourself and look at the truth that is written in this letter. Then decide what it is that you want, what you are ready for and what makes you happy and unhappy then make a list of these things and go to him. Tell him you need to have a talk according to what level the relationship is on. If he won’t hear you and respect your needs and just wants his sex kitten I hope that you would send him to the local gentleman’s club and cry your eyes out but let him go.
I hope you find the love and caring for Jessica inside and if you don’t have it make that your priority and get help. I will help you if you want.
But if you get Jessica together and work through this sexual abuse and find the Jessica you like and care about and just won’t stand for someone to hurt her you will never be alone. It is proven you attract what you think of yourself. SO when you have this love and caring about yourself you will attract plenty of men all who will love and respect you because they will listen to you.
OK that is my professional insight into you and your situation.
No matter what you decide I am here for you and you can turn to me anytime day or night. I will always tell you the truth and put it into perspective. Your family and friends are not experts and don’t know human dynamics a lot of people are not and are not trained in it. I am and I am good at what I do.
Just think about this letter and read it over and over until you get to Jessica’s truth. I am not asking you to believe me or do anything, if you read this letter over a few times your inside self will tell you what is right. My letter is to give you all the perspective’s on your life and then you the inner you will definitely tell you what to do. Because I believe each and every one of us has the truth to our lives living inside of us. We just need teachers (me) (others) to guide us to our own truth. I never have to worry about being wrong because I do not give answers since I know where each of our truth lies.
If you need me I am here but please no matter what you decide please write me back and let me know. I put a little bit of me in all of my letters and I sure would like to know what happens to you and to know that you feel you have found peace in your decision OK?
God bless you,