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Betrayed by my friend
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* June 16, 2002, 08:56:21 PM
­I am now very furious when I am typing this.Not just furious, but hurt and betrayed as well.I just broke up with my boyfriend and I needed someone to confide in urgently.I was really upset about it because I really liked my boyfriend alot,see?So,I talked to a male friend who was also a friend of my boyfriend about it.He seemed kind and even offered advice.I told him not to reveal this to even anyone because I knew this was a sensitive issue and that maybe, we could use the time to solve things by ourselves, to cool down and maybe there was a chance of a patch-up.All my hopes were dashed when my boyfriend demanded why I told everyone of the situation.He also yelled at me that the male friend was a big-mouth.I then realised that it was that male friend who went to ask my boyfriend about this issue.I was so angry that I had difficulty breathing.And that male friend still had the cheek to apologise and said he would help to solve the matter.How ridiculous!The matter has been worsened and I feel like I am the biggest fool on Earth.I shouldn't have believed in that friend.Now I am feeling so terrible because my boyfriend would never trust me again.I feel as if I am in cahoots with that male friend.What matters most was that the small hope that I could be with my boyfriend is dashed.I don't know what my boyfriend thinks of me now and how I am going to face him.What should I do to revive the situation between me and my boyfriend?


June 16, 2002, 11:57:18 PM
­ Dell:

First I am so sorry to hear about what happened to you. I think everyone can relate to what you are going through and feeling. I know I can. I have been betrayed several times through the years.
You first have to feel what you are feeling. Go with it and let yourself get angry and to go through what ever feelings you have. Just don't "act" on any of your feelings. You are too upset and unable to see and think clearly. You are coming from panic and desperation. Only when you get your "wits" about you can you then see clearly and clean up the situation.
As I say there is a solution to every situation because we may not have control over "what" happens but we sure have control if we want it over how we handle, react and play out what happens to us.
Now when you can take a deep breath and get past the shaking and the tears I want you to see that you were not wrong. You are reacting to your boyfriend's reaction and buying into it. Don't do that. I am sorry but at the time you "trusted" in good faith and you asked him for his confidence and he gave it to you. Now what, you should have had him sign in blood? No we all have to reach out when we are hurt and "connect" with someone so we can get ourselves back together. Especially girls and women. We have to connect and process our feelings that is just how it is with us and then we can figure things out and put them where they need to go to make sense to us.
Now, IF your boyfriend had not broken up with you for whatever reason well you wouldn't have needed to turn to this friend. But if you can't trust to turn to a supposedly good friend well what then Dell? Are you supposed to just hold it all inside and never work it through? You should not feel like a "fool" you are being too hard on yourself again you are buying into your boyfriends reality. There is "no" one reality if you think about it. We all can have the exact same thing happen to us and we will all have a different reality of the situation so there is no right and wrong to it. You need to stablize yourself and believe in you and what you did at the time. You were acting in good faith that is not a fool. The guy is a betrayer and he is the "fool." Don't let this thing get all turned around to where you are the one taking the fall. Keep the blame and what happened where it belongs to your boyfriend and this friend. Can you see that? You did not do anything wrong period. And you should not lose faith in people or not trust them again just because this jerk betrayed you. He is just he and not everyone. There are lots of people you can trust and maybe you need to build up a strong relationship with someone that is based on trust so when you need to talk you will have someone you can turn to. Now the second thing is you were betrayed twice today. Your boyfriend betrayed you also. That is two devastating blows in one day. Now I don't know what the "big" secret is but it still was handled wrong by your boyfriend. And you don't let anyone "yell" at you. Where is your dignity and pride. No one has the right to talk anything but civil to you at all times. You don't need to be taking any of this. Take that anger and start using it for your power. Put things in perspective and get it together here. You are a person with rights and you need to start demanding those rights by respecting yourself and believing that you deserve the best out of everything and everyone in your life. You set the limits and you decide the rules for your life. People will always treat you the way you let them. So stop this kind of behavior don't let anyone attack you, belittle you, blame you, accuse you, or yell at you. You deserve the best respected treatment at all times. You also do not deserve to be held liable for trusting a friend and for the actions of that friend after you had asked for confidentiality. So stop this blame and don't let them get away with it. If your boyfriend cares about you he would not attack you he would side with you and give that so called friend down the road for betraying your confidence. Nope this thing is all turned around and you are not getting the love and support you should be for the situation. Your boyfriend is not coming through for you and now of all times he should. You shouldn't have to explain anything or justify it in any way and don't if you want self respect. You didn't do anything to explain or justify. I hope you can see this because you are definitely turning on your own self because of what these two guys did to you. You didn't do anything to them so quit taking the fall. Put it back I don't care how much you like your boyfriend is he worth what he is putting you through? Is he worth his part of the betayal and not believing in you or trusting you? You have not broken trust here. The jerk friend broke the trust and your boyfriend broke the trust. You are the "fall guy" so stop it here. Make them take responsibility for their own actions.
I hope you are getting this and that you have something inside you that cares about Dell and can now pull back her power and use it to protect and stand up for her. Self respect first Dell we all are intitled to it just by the mere presence of living inside our own skin. Now give yourself the respect you deserve and then don't settle for less from anyone else. You can get new friends and a new boyfriend but you can not ever get a new you. Be on your own side and stop beating yourself up for something that has gone pear shaped.
Hope this helps,

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