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Peeping tom
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* November 15, 2001, 07:58:12 AM
­I have caught my husband many times over the past few years walking around while smoking a cigarette or on the phone and peering into other people's windows. I don't believe that he has ever viewed any sexual interaction, but it still bothers me extremely. whenever I have confronted him about seeing him do this, he denies it and lies to me so convincingly that I walk away feeling that I could have been mistaken, but it has happened too many times. I have also, over the years, found record of a number of adult video rentals, even though he knows how much I am against that and how much it wuld hurt me to find that out. But of course, he denies those each time as well. He has admitted to viewing some in the past, but I feel that there is a more deep rooted problem and I don't know how to go about researching the "peeping tom syndrome". I need to know more so that I can catch him where he can't deny it and then we can work forward from there.


November 17, 2001, 02:41:52 PM
­ Bridgett:

I know this is very difficult for you. I am not sure there is one person who will read this and not say I know that feeling of “knowing” you saw something and yet have the other person convince you that you didn’t see what you know you saw. I have had it happen so many times in the past. I started questioning my own sanity the person was so good. Mostly I base my opinion on something that I know is not an opinion but can be proven. That is your “feelings” they will never lie to you. Your brain has an illusion of its own. The brain bases how it comes to conclusions on your past, your weaknesses, what it feels is important for you to do to feel “sane” and like you still belong. At this point you don’t fit into the “normalcy” of society because of what your husband is doing.
The feelings you are having about your husband are normal and maybe even a little too minimized.
Your husband knows how to make you doubt yourself that is why you are sometimes wondering if you did see what you “know” you saw. That is a truth. Unless you want to tell me that you are completely psychotic then you know what is going on. So the real problem is why you want to keep denying it????? Well, once you really admit it is all true you then have to do something with the information or be in conflict with who you know you are. So, you keep playing these little head games with your husband and he back to you. He either knows you love him in a way that you are not going jeopardize your marriage though he doesn’t seem to mind doing that. Or he blatantly doesn’t care what you do with the information or your opinion of him is of little importance to him. By his actions and words he is saying that if anything is going to change you are going to have to be the one to do the changing and take complete responsibility for this whole situation, that your husband has chosen to create. Because for him to continue his behavior and deny it on top of doing those things he is not going to take responsibility for his behavior. He is basically telling you that what he is doing has greater power over him and carries more importance to him at this point than his marriage does. He has gone against your firm but loving wishes that you disapprove of porn. He actually can be a peeping Tom and knows you are not going to do anything about it. So he has a pretty good set up going. He can act out his deviant behavior within the safety of his own home with the approval of his own wife. And he does have that approval doesn’t he Bridgett? He is showing how little respect he has for your feelings. He not only is a peeping Tom, he looks at the porn, lets you see it happening, you ask for honesty and get lies plus you walk away “thinking” well maybe I am wrong. So what are you going to do about it? You don’t need to go to this elaborate “setup” to catch him, that is your need again to blindly turn your head and buy time for your wishful thinking of maybe he will stop. No, he isn’t going to stop. If he is already to the point that he will very obviously willing to hurt you, jeopardize his marriage and just lies to you which are all betrayals. Somewhere in your mind and body you feel the direct assaults of these feelings, as we all would. He will not stop, he will refine his “hiding” skills more that is all. You are right it is an illness or addiction he is dealing with but one that needs therapeutic intervention. He has to admit he has a problem and then seek out professional help and work through whatever is driving his need to fulfill something lacking in his life or from his past that he has not worked through. He has to see it as a problem first and at this time it doesn’t look to me like he has a problem. He doesn’t even have a problem at convincing his wife he is not being a peeping Tom or that he does porn. Who has the problem Bridgett? What are you going to do about it?

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