LFA Café
Advice about Relationships => Problems about friends => Topic started by: essentials on October 04, 2006, 05:26:19 PM
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i have a friend that I have met just this year in my first year of college. I am a female, he is a male. We clicked right away I could see it. He flirts with me all the time. Tells me things and just says things to me that he doesn't do to others. Thing is...he has a gf. There has been problems with this relatuionship, but hes the type of guy that feels bad for broken hearts and wants to end a relationship with a mutual decision. I like him very much. But have to intention for him to cheat, and dont want to be tha cause of the breakup. I have no idea what to do, I feel like an idiot, and ive lost myself in unhappiness again, even thought im happy all the time with him. I NEED HELP
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Patricia:
First thank you for writing. I hope I can help and maybe some peers will have some suggestions. It always helps to get an outside and professional view when we are trying to work something out.
I want you to think about what I write and then make your decision as I believe that given the best perspective empowers you kids to be able to make your own good decisions as you should since you have to live with the consequences as we all do.
You obviously have it for this guy because you are not seeing him very clearly. You only have a problem if you decide to make it your problem. You are single and are attracted to a guy no problem there.
The problem is he is not single and is not being fair to either one of you.
You defend his actions saying he doesn’t like to see broken hearts. Well first if that were true he wouldn’t be flirting and pursuing you behind her back. He would do the honorable thing and go to her and tell her his feelings for her have changed. He is taking the cowards way out by getting the issue to be between her ad you instead of where it really is between her ad hi. You just came along when he was looking for her replacement. If it had not been you it would be someone else. I don’t mean this as a cut but if he were in love with his g/f you nor anyone cold penetrate and get him to do thie things he is doing with you. So he was ready willing and looking and there you were.
What I want you to look at here is human behavior. That is what I show you kids so you can stop fighting your wants and not rationalize someone so you don’t get taken off guard as much as you are.
Remember however he handles his breakup with this girl is how he is going to handle breaking up with you if he finds someone else he likes later on. Relationships are built on trust and he is not being trust worthy in how he is handling this. Think about it you have already said you do not want to be the cause of their breakup, which you can not be. If he loved her no one could break them up. You don’t want to sneak around with him. All this shows you are honorable and he is not living up to even your standards. How would you ever be able to trust him? He appears to be the kind of guy that does not want to be left without a girl. Instead of facing up to the truth which is that no matter what he can’t love her anymore or he would not be flirting and pursuing you and doing right by her and breaking up. Instead of doing what is mature and right by both of you, breaking up with her and taking his chances with you, he wants to make it so he is left out of it and makes life uncomfortable for her so she does the breaking up. If you really stop and look at that, it is the cowards way out because he doesn’t want to go through the grief. If he makes her miserable and keeps you on the side until she can not take it anymore then he can blame her and by then know that he has you so he is taking no risks, you and she are taking all the risks. I just don’t think that is the honorable thing to do nor is it fair to her and what they once had together. If he were straight up he would go to her, tell her how he feels take the grief as that is all part of being in a relationship, when it is over someone always gets hurt. Until then he should tell you he is not free to be pursuing you and that he hopes you will be there when he has worked through breaking up with his g/f. It is a risk he should be willing to take if he was looking out for anyone other than himself.
Can you see this?
So, you need to decide whether you are going to own his problem and jump in and help fix it for him or with him. Just remember the next girl will help him do it to you. This is a pattern for him because it works. It is cruel and hurts more people than doing what is right, being honest, taking the grief that comes with breaking up and doing right by the other person who at one time was the love he wanted and chose. He needs to be true to her until he is out of the relationship.
I hope you can see what I am saying and stand strong. Yes, you might lose him but if you go along with his way of hurting her in the long run you will get hurt much more when it is done to you.
Think this through ad decide whose problem it is. Don’t come from desperation. If he and you are meant to be he will rise to the occasion and do what it right. If he doesn’t I would hope with your standards you would not want that kind of guy anyway. This is a good test to see what his character is made of.
If you decide you want him to come through, then write me back and we will go over how to approach this and see what he does. He will either show how much he wants you and do the right thing by you and his g/f or he will just make excuses and never break up because she is “fragile” or he doesn’t want to hurt her, whatever but you will have your answer. We all get hurt and live through it as so would she. It would be something in him most likely that he was thinking he could have her and you on the side.
I hope you decide not to settle for less than you deserve and that he comes through for you and does right by his g/f.
Please let me know what you decide and what happens as I do care and would like to know how you see things.
I will look for your email,
Mary-Anne
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thanks you soo much. and what you said "Until then he should tell you he is not free to be pursuing you and that he hopes you will be there when he has worked through breaking up with his g/f", we had a talk the other night, and said basiclaly that exact thing. I thought since i came out in the open and talked about me liking him and him flirting with me and everything that he would ignore me at school now. but he doesnt. eveything is the same. im happy for that. but he said, "your gorgeous, and a sweetheart, but im in a relationship right now, and im sorry if you felt like i lead you on, i do like you alot, but i cant jump out of it at the time being, well continue being friends for now until everything has worked out. I promise you that hun".
so you think hes being sincere? like a good guy?
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Patricia:
Well, I would say since he said all the right things and acted honorably that he is on the up and up. It is hard though because if a guy did that to me it would just make me want him more and know I couldn't have him. Since he is backing up his words with actions by treating you the same it confirms to me that he isn't playing games. He said what an honest and honorable guy should say, which is rare. He didn't run away from his responsibility. He even apologized if he led you on. He sounds really genuine of course time is always the great truth teller but since he came clean, explained his situation but also shared his feelings with you I think you can feel that you have met a rare type of guy and let's just hope you get him some day since he seems to be so rare. At least now you know where he stands, where you stand and if you two ever do get together you can be a little more sure and trusting that he will treat your relationship with the same respect and faithfulness as he is treating the one he is in now. He really sounds like a cool guy. I would continue on if you can without falling to hard for him and be friends. Like I say only time will tell if he really wants to have more with you or if he is satisfied with the g/f he has now. I don't think I can predict because he may be the type of guy that has to have a sure deal and she is a sure deal so even if things are not what he wants he will stay with her. Or because he has found that he has desire for you it will eat at him to where he can't stay with her because he will want to be with you more and more. I just don't know which "type" he falls in to. You could probably take a better guess at that than anyone. I would keep him as a friend, don't do anything to mess with his head because then you could never be sure if you got him because you messed with him or he came of his own free will. It will be hard on you but just let things play out as they should. Then if he comes to you, you can be sure of him. If he doesn't come again it could be more about security and familiarity which the majority of people go for than his having this great love for her and not wanting you that bad. He could want you real bad but just not be secure enough to take the risk.
Enjoy him as a friend, sometimes friendships grow without the person's permission and they find themselves unable to stop the love from coming in, but it never hurts to have another friend #61514;.
Since he was open and honest and so were you don't ruin what you have by playing the girl games even if he weakens and starts to want to do things behind his g/f's back, believe me you will always lose in that one. He must be free when he comes for you that is the only way you will have a trusting and truly loving relationship. So if you can stand it be his friend and let fate take its course. If it is too hard to be “just friends” then tell him and then pull away for a while till you either get over him or are able to deal with just friendship. Don’t be too close or he could become comfortable with having her and you also without being dishonest to either of you. We don’t want him comfortable or he won’t move. So think about it and do what you can handle. But I think he was being straight with you and that is good.
Let us know what happens,
Mary-Anne
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Well. His gf cheated on him about 2 weeks ago. We hung out the next night. I didn't know they had broekn up until I got there, and he told me what happeend... It was halloween weekend, but there is no excuse for cheating. So anyways, I was there and suppose to go to dance, but he told me he wanted me to stay for a movie because he wanted someone to hang out for a bit cause he didn't go out all day. So i stayed. and then he kissed me... not anything too long. but it was a few more then a peck... then he turned over and said "being responsible adults, we should move slowly because i just came out of a relationship". i thought that was nice of him to say. but i could see in his eyes he sorta felt bad for doing it. so the rest of the night was ok. So then a few days later we talked and he apologized for kissing me. not that he didnt want to, but that he felt weird after because hes not really looking for a gf at the moment. So he is a single good looking guy, and of course he lives on residence, so he has kissed other people and told me that with them its different because its like one night things. and that with them it means nothing cause they were never close friends. he told me he didnt want to do anything more with me, because i am very close to him and doesnt want to ruin soemthing thta may happen. Im not jealous of the people he has kissed and stuff because i have no control over him, and he sees that, i suprised him because of that. he thought i would... so he was like testing me see what i would say. but you see i see it as this "hes single, good looking, every girl wants him, hes at the age he wants attention" so nobody has him on a leash. what happenes is made private. i respect that. so anyways... things are great between us tho, he tells me everything. and is very honest. we hang out every sunday and watch movies, do nothing not even kiss, i love it. it makes me know he respects me. right? i think things are good for now. but like you said time is the only thing that can tell what will happen. but like i say "everything worth while takes time"...
Thank you
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Essentials:
Well, I figured it would happen on her end since he "seemed" honorable. I knew there had to be something lacking or he couldn't have feelings for you.
You are a very rare young lady to be so understanding and not let the green-eyed monster in.
He is correct, he is on rebound and I am sure he still has feelings for her. You can't have a relationship and just lose all feelings because the other person betrayed you. They may even get back together a few times but let me assure you of one thing, once betrayal is done it rarely can be mended. Betrayal is the worst of anything we can do to ourselves or to another as it is what everything is built on "trust" and to destroy trust it is very very difficult to ever trust again. I have never seen a couple make it after there was betrayal be it teens or adults. The adults may stay together for other reasons like kids or so many years together but the relationship is never the same. Kids of course can eventually move on being young and it is normal even without betrayal for kids to go in and out of relationships. That is the time in life to experiment so it isn't wrong to be fickle.
I don't know what your true feelings are about guys and how attached you are getting to this guy but try not to forget what you said. He is a free agent right now and the rule is anyone on rebound is not dependable for at least 6 months.
I do think he will stay honest and upfront with you but I worry a little about your heart. I hope you can take it if he does find someone else.
I wouldn't worry about him going back to her as I said it is rare for that to ever last. She is probably your least threat.
If you can just enjoy the time and let what grows grow and what doesn't well you have him for a while.
We are here for you whatever comes. I sure appreciate you keeping me up on what is happening.
Again I think you are quite a young lady and if he is worth anything he should value you and grow to realize you are quite a catch.
I think he sees that some by not pushing the physical so he does have respect for you which is very important because you are worth it.
Just don't give your heart away until he gives his first.
I will be here for you,
Mary-Anne