­ Jayls:

I don't believe in accidents. I came across this story as I am working with Mrs. Arkansas's partner and found her site which is one that helps abused women. I immediately thought of you and how you feel about yourself. Please go read her story and even contact her for help. I think she could help you and just maybe I was supposed to come across her story. Here is the URL where I found her story www.thehelpfoundation.org/Rebeccaas%20Story.htm. Her website is www.thehelpfoundation.org and you can go where it says Rebecca's story.
I think she can help you feel so much better about yourself.
I hope this helps as you have no reason to feel bad about yourself but only someone who has been through similar circumstances can tell you this so I will pray and hope that you find help and guidance through what I have just sent you.
Let me know as I will be thinking of you until I know you are alright and have a hand to hold like Rebecca's.
Mary-Anne
­

­ Jayls:

Yes you do have a problem and though this b/f appears to be the problem he is only the symptom. You have the problem. Some where along the line of growing up you were abused and your mind learned a skewed definition of what love is and how to show love which is why you are getting “abused.” We learn how to love by the person we associate the most with and want love from the most. Usually that is one or both of our parents but today it can be almost any adult just whomever we identify with and want the most attention from. Now you need to think who it was that you craved the most attention from when you were growing up? Also was there anyone who sexually abused you? You didn’t have to be sexually abused, it could be any kind of aggression, screaming, tearing you down anything that made you feel bad about yourself. Even though it was negative you associated how this person treated you and this became your definition of love and how love was to be shown. This person defined love for you, what real love. What love is supposed to feel like, how it is to be shown and how to respond to love in a healthy way. Now even though “logically” you know that you are being abused it is still the only way you know how to be loved and it is the only way you know how to feel loved. So you have to retrain your thinking and to relearn how to respond to love in a positive and healthy way. Think of all the women that stay in abusive relationships. People say why don’t they leave and they think the woman likes to be abused and deserve what they are getting. This is not true. Like you these women know they are being abused and they want out desperately but they don’t know any other way to be loved and they can not get out. If they were treated any other way it would feel strange. They would not feel loved at all because they would not feel what they were taught love felt like. So they don’t know any other way to feel love. This is why you can not get out no matter how much it hurts and how insane you know the way you are being treated is.
If you really want to get out of this cycle of abuse you will have to go into therapy and learn how to love and feel love in a healthy way to counteract the abusive way you were taught love was. You have a decision to make. You will stay in this relationship as long as you are getting your needs met even though they are not the way you really want to be shown love. You may stay forever but I know you will stay at least as long as you continue to define love in “abusive” terms like you do now. When you really have had enough and start thinking more of yourself to where you believe you deserve to be treated with respect, in a positive, healthy and affectionate way then you will seek out treatment. You will then love yourself and give yourself permission to be loved the way a self respected woman wants to be treated.
As long as you “allow” a man to treat you the way this guy is treating you this is the only way you are going to be loved and you will stay and take it.
I don’t know when you will have had enough to the point where you will take action.
Maybe now that you understand how you got this way and why you are taking this abuse and feel you can’t get you, you will work on learning how to love yourself enough to seek out treatment so that you can learn how to love and be loved in a healthy way. It is all up to you. When you have had enough you will take action and get out. You will have to go into therapy because you have to learn how to love yourself first, then how to define healthy love and then how to give and receive love in a healthy and positive way. You will be treated the way you ask to be treated and until you get into therapy and learn how to love yourself you will seek out men who abuse you and the cycle will continue. So you have to learn how to break the cycle of abuse and that will take some relearning and time. You have some work to do and until that is done you will attract and stay with abusive men. I don’t know what your financial situation is but all counties have Mental Health Centers where they have to treat you for free or according to your financial status. So you can get treatment now and work through this abusive type cycle. The sooner you get started the sooner you get out of this type of relationship. Then some day you will meet and find a type of guy who will treat you the way you should be loved. Then you will be loved the way you have always wanted to be and have a happy and healthy relationship. It will happen and then you will pass it down to your children so you don’t let the cycle be passed on to the next generation. You will have broken it and hopefully forever. You don’t want to pass this abusive so called “love” down to where your sons treat their wives the way you are being treated nor have your daughter’s being treated the way you are being treated. So let’s end it here. When you have had enough call your County Mental Health Center and make an appointment. It will take a while to get in but it will be worth the wait. They will try to get you to pay full price. I promise you if you tell them you don’t have the money and can show how little you make they have to treat you because it is the county system so don’t let them scare you away just stand up and say you need treatment and know that you can get it there.
Let me know what you think and what you decide to do. Please if he hurts you get out no matter what call the Abuse center for battered women before it is too late.
I will look for your response. I would like to know what you thought and decided to do. If there is anything more you don’t understand about how abuse works and stops us from loving ourselves and learning how to love in a healthy way just write me back and ask any questions.
I am here for you and will be until you work this out the way you want to work it out.
Do let me know what you decided to do and if you need help handling any of it.
Good luck and stay safe,
Mary-Anne

­ Hey Jayls,
I read your message on the forum. Well first of, I think you are brave to have written in, you seem like you really want a final solution to the problem and so it is a cry for help that needs answering. I have a friend online who with lots of encouragment and support managed to get out of an abusive relationship. She is now feeling free and getting on with her life. You can do the same, I know it must be hard for you right now because as much as he treats you like scum, the more you love him because you feel deep down he really loves you too. This may or may not be true but how can he, really, if he is treating you in this appauling manner. You don't mention any physical abuse in your messege, but what you say is clearly verbal and emotional abuse, which unfortunatly nearly always goes on to higher stuff therefore physical abuse. You also don't say 'why' you still want him around? Could you tell me more about that? Do you still love him? I suppose anyone who meets someone for the first time and they seem really nice, and then the bad stuff starts and yet you feel you can't leave him because you keep replaying in your head about the first time you met him when he was nice and therefore don't want to leave him. Your boyfriend sounds like a 'in control bully' (I am only saying what I feel and I always speak the truth even if it does hurt because more often where it hurts is where the problem lies and we need to work on that) and he sounds like he keeps you on his side, (therefore he 'can' be nice at times just when you are wanting to leave him). Wrapping you around his finger is one of his key points. Messing with your head.
You have your whole life a head of you and so much to look forward to once you can break free and leave. No man is worth your tears, honestly sweet listen if you can be brave to get out, it will be over within seconds 'the leaving part', and yes it will take time to feel brave again, and you will be scared for a while, you will feel emotional and left wondering if you did the right thing, but I am telling you now, after that 'while' you will feel so much better. You do not need anyone in your life who is going to put you down, because more importantly you deserve a 'life' of happiness and respect. There is someone out there for you who will love you for who you are, you need 'love and happiness' you need to get compliments and praise and acceptance. You don't want to spend the rest of your life in someone elses shoes, crawling around on tip toes. That isn't a life hun.
There must be a day when he isn't around and that will be the day when you make your escape, and believe me that escape will come flowing with freedom for you. It will be scary at first because you are coming out of your comfort zone that you only know of, it will be like a challange of fear, and that is exactly it. Once you have embraced that fear and made that first step to close the front door you have done the main part! You have friends or family who you can talk to about this and go stay with them. You need all the support you can get. A boyfriend should make you feel happy to be alive, your reason to get up in the mornings, someone who shares part of your soul in your everyday life, you shouldn't be made to feel afraid everyday of what each day brings, no body deserves that. My advice to you is to talk to him (your boyfriend) and say how much he is upsetting you, if he then realises and actually LISTENS and starts to change into a better person, then all is well. You should ask him why he downgraded you in the first place though? He has to have a reason, maybe he is going through a tough time himself, but even that is no excuse to take it out on you. If he doesn't listen and gets all defensive, leave him. Don't ask him to leave because he may get really defensive and you don't want to be any more afraid. I am thinking of your safety here. He may refuse to move out and then you will feel threatened of what he may do next. If you know he easily gets angry, then don't even mention leaving to him. Just leave on a day or the hour he is out. I really would advise you to get out now though, be brave and know that the best of your life will come after you have left him. And then if you leave him, it's the aftermath that you have to be strong about. He may beg for you to come back to him and that he will change and that he is sorry etc. As you don't mention that he has hit you yet, then that is up to you if you wish to give him another chance. But I would advise giving him JUST that ONE chance, if you do want to go back with him. But for now make him see you mean busisness and move out. If you had said he had hit you in any way of physical abuse then I would strongly recommend you don't take him back at all. You should always walk away and never turn back into someones life who hits you, even if it is just a slap. But as you haven't mentioned any physical violence, then maybe he can change and maybe you will or will not give him that chance, that my friend is up to you. If it was me, I wouldn't give him that chance, YET I can see you like him a lot still and must feel s'omething' for him to want to stay with him despite what he does to you. Talk to him. Don't stand for any more, stand up and think confidently. You have got to ask yourself, 'why do I still want him around even though he abuses me?' 'what is it I am addcited too that reels me back to him time after time?'. Think about these questions, really think and if you will, get back to the forum and write again. But always remeber whatever your decision however worse it may get, I am here for you, my name is heather by the way. Is it that you want him around because JUST as he has makes you want to leave, he plays with your head and acts all nice and innocent again. You can not listen to him sob storys. He may have some charm and some good points, but they sound 'fake' to me. It is as if he is just using those good points of his to make you stay. And what is worse than fake happiness? If you feel this happiness and good stuff he delievers is real, what if it is all a lie?
On the other hand, if you feel he really does have some goodness to his heart, then why does he continue to abuse you? The final thing I shall leave you with is, don't try to change him, HE has to be the one who has to change. 'Ask' him to change if you want and then see what happens, but never try to make him change, never try to make good things happen when it's clear they arn't happening. It will only cause pain in the long run. You can't change someone who wont change themselves. Why do you feel you have to stay? Do you think that if you stay he will have hope of changing? Please don't rely on this hope. You can not nurse him better to treat you better. You can't be the hero in this sweetie, you can't think, 'oh if I just stay and do what he says and smile he will be nice to me again'. He probably wont. He will most probably thrive on that intead and see your innocence and put you down even more. If he sees you doing everything he says or he notices you are believing all he says when he dowgrades you, he will feel in control, and no one should be the controller in a relationship. A relationship is equal. Above all, NOTHING is wrong with you, nothing. My god, don't think that for a moment. YOU are worthy, you are in this life to live a life not just to exist. It is HIM with the problem. There is something wrong with HIM. He may well make you feel that the problem is you, but that is just his bullying coming through, don't listen to it, it is not true! Now I erge you to think brave thoughts, picture the tomorows of the future of a better life, listen to all what I have said, and think for a while about my questions if you can and get back to me. I am thinking of you, and I am here. Heather xxx

xxx H:Kevill xxx

­I am probably not of any help to you at all...but was basically looking for the same advice you are. I know I need to leave my borfriend and move on but I don't know how. ERveryone makes it out to be so easy...."He treats you so badly just leave!" I WISH! So let me know what type of advice you got? I NEED HELP!

­ Jack:

First I want to thank you for writing for some professional insight and from a woman good combination to give you feedback about your situation. I think you do care for this girl or you wouldn’t have written for help. This is an emotionally complicated situation. You are just 16 and have many more years to go away from home in fact you may never live back home again. In all your steps to adulthood you are going to be away, have other interests, friends and this is all normal and very healthy.
I think you are right. Your g/f is very insecure and not trusting. This pain is causing her to not be able to tolerate you away. She is having to protect herself because of what her father did. She really needs to work this out in counseling as it is going to affect all her male relationships. No matter how much you two love each other it is rare for you to marry a person you are in love with at 16. Too many things change in college and too much growing takes place in both of you as you reach 21. These are the real self growing years and you have no idea how you are going to turn out nor does she have any idea how she will turn out. You can make all the promises in the world but you can not change nature it happens without your permission so you just go with it. Enjoy what you have now and as long as it lasts that is the best you can go for. If she is not interested in getting into her fears because of what her father did then what you need to do is sit her down and have a long talk alone with no distractions. I would take her to the park or somewhere you two can be alone for as long as it takes. I would explain to her how you feel about her and that you love her and that she can trust you. I would tell her that you will be going to college next and she will be going to college. That there will probably be distance from now on but that if your love is real and strong it can be more fulfilling that if you were together 24/7 because when you are apart and then come back together you have so much to share with each other. It is good for two people to be different and be following their own path and then share and support the other on their road to adulthood and your professional dreams. I would try to make everything as positive as you can. Because I can tell you “ATTITUDE” is everything and we decide what our attitude is going to be. It doesn’t matter what happens out in the world or with anyone in our lives, it is how we decide to see it and handle it that counts. Explain all this to her and that you understand her fears and you are so sorry she had to experience the betrayal of her father but that was him and not all guys are like that. Hey look good example here. Paul McCartney of the Beatles, one of the most desired guys on the planet back when I was young, richest guy had girls all over him. He married Linda when he was only 22 and never went out on her. They never even slept apart the whole time they were married except 3 nights he was in jail for having pot. Otherwise she died a few years ago at age 57 and they never spent the night apart and he was faithful through all his fame and all those girls. So there are guys who can be rich and famous and still believe in faithfulness and love. What her father did needs to be kept with her father. Even if you and she do not make it she needs to give each guy a chance. We all get hurt and betrayed it is the nature of the beast. Remind her that women do it too in fact statistically it is equal among men and women. She has to work this out in her head and her heart because it happens and she has a whole life time ahead of her. She will regret pushing every guy away for what someone else did. She will end up a very unhappy, begrudging young woman who will miss out on all the good that is out there. She will miss the good guys that she could have enjoyed time with and being treated good by them. She will end up lonely and for no good reason. We all need someone.
As far as where you are now. You need to plan your trips home better. It is natural for her to feel and want you to come home and for you to want to spend every waking moment with her that is just normal. BUT, you should have time with life long friends too. So you need to work out a schedule where you see her as much as possible and where you have time to spend with your friends with her approval. Now how to get that I don’t even have the answer to other than say you come home for a weekend. I would already call her and tell her to book a reservation at a nice restaurant for Friday night. Spend Friday night with her alone get all the talking, catching up and loving caught up. Then when you take her home tell her that you are going to spend the day with your friends, give them Saturday or Sunday DAY. I think giving a “day time” away will be easier for her to take than an evening. Then tell her to be ready at 7pm and you will pick her up for Saturday night and be there at 7pm dressed nice. Then when you take her home remind her that you leave on Sunday and need to spend a little time with your family and then you want the rest of the time with her. This will make her feel special because she was the first you spent time with when you got there Friday evening and you made it a special only the two of you evening. The she was the last to have you before you left, Sunday afternoon, just spend it being together talking about plans for the next time and loving each other. This is what I would try. If this doesn’t work then let her pull away and do the breaking up because I can honestly say you have done all the right and loving things to give her the love and security she should need on your trips home. I would do the same with holidays, spring break, and of course the summer is a totally different arrangement, write if you need help with that one.
But first have the heart to heart talk and get her to see how she is only hurting herself by taking away any chance for the two of you to have a relationship because relationships are built on trust and give and take. Have the talk in person only though OK? Then in between visits are you emailing her on a daily bases? I would do that and once in a while text her, send her a card, little thoughtful things to let her know you are thinking about her and miss her. This will cover you and give her more of a feeling of security and she may back off a little more about the time away and you being with your friends. Also encourage her in emails without being pushy for her to get her own life by going out with her friends or making friends, getting a hobby that she can share with you, like taking up a sport you two can share when you come home. I hate it but golf always works, or tennis whatever. All people should have a life of their own with their own friends and things they do with these friends and a hobby. No one should be totally wrapped up in another person and expect that person to supply their needs. It is up to us to meet our own needs and “share” our needs with our lover but not expect them to fill them all. No one human can fill all of another person’s needs. You will drive yourself crazy trying and still fail because it can’t be done. So encourage her without it looking like you are pushing her out of your life.
OK, I hope all this helps because it is the healthy way to go about solving your problem. It is also a good description on how a well developed and healthy relationship “should” be like. So even if she doesn’t want to get back the information is important and you can use it on your next relationship. So copy this reply and keep it. Copy down the information about relationships and how to be in one, what is natural and normal and what is not. It will save you a lot of grief over guilt which you should not have and it will give you a good barometer as to whether you really are being cruel, lacking something or mistreating your mate or if what you are doing is the healthy way and they are just trying to induce guilt on you to control you. Check it out and see if you have been fair up to now and do what I wrote above and you should then let all guilt go.
Let me know what happens after the talk, if anything do have the talk that is for both of you to get this all straightened out and back on the same page with communication. Then it is up to her whether she is willing to risk and you will have your answer.
I look forward to hearing from you as to how she responds to the talk and what choices she makes. Also I would like to know how working out a schedule and have it in place before you come home for your next visit works out. I think it should work the best. There is no 100% unless you give up your life and your friends and I don’t think that is a healthy option or a good one for either of you. It won’t make the relationship work or last.
Good luck and do write back and let me know when you have understood the dynamics, the goals and the plans and what results come from implementing them, like I said even if she is too burnt from her father, they work for any healthy relationship so use them on your next one. But do let me know if you two get back together. Remember attitude is everything so keep it positive and looking good for the both of you.
Mary-Anne