LFA Café
Emotional and Mental Health Questions => Mental and Emotional Health Questions => Topic started by: jayls on April 09, 2005, 11:49:52 AM
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HI!
I specifically registered to this site in order to get HELP!!!!!
I have a "boyfriend" (I put that in quotes because he isn't really one at all) that treats me like I am NOTHING. He downgrades me...lies to me....cheats on me...he stresses me out so bad I am starting to have medical conditions because of it. We live together and I just can't get up the nerve to get him OUT! I know I need to leave him alone and tell him to leave...but for some reason I can not force myself to. No matter how much he abuses me I want him around????? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
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Hey Jayls,
I read your message on the forum. Well first of, I think you are brave to have written in, you seem like you really want a final solution to the problem and so it is a cry for help that needs answering. I have a friend online who with lots of encouragment and support managed to get out of an abusive relationship. She is now feeling free and getting on with her life. You can do the same, I know it must be hard for you right now because as much as he treats you like scum, the more you love him because you feel deep down he really loves you too. This may or may not be true but how can he, really, if he is treating you in this appauling manner. You don't mention any physical abuse in your messege, but what you say is clearly verbal and emotional abuse, which unfortunatly nearly always goes on to higher stuff therefore physical abuse. You also don't say 'why' you still want him around? Could you tell me more about that? Do you still love him? I suppose anyone who meets someone for the first time and they seem really nice, and then the bad stuff starts and yet you feel you can't leave him because you keep replaying in your head about the first time you met him when he was nice and therefore don't want to leave him. Your boyfriend sounds like a 'in control bully' (I am only saying what I feel and I always speak the truth even if it does hurt because more often where it hurts is where the problem lies and we need to work on that) and he sounds like he keeps you on his side, (therefore he 'can' be nice at times just when you are wanting to leave him). Wrapping you around his finger is one of his key points. Messing with your head.
You have your whole life a head of you and so much to look forward to once you can break free and leave. No man is worth your tears, honestly sweet listen if you can be brave to get out, it will be over within seconds 'the leaving part', and yes it will take time to feel brave again, and you will be scared for a while, you will feel emotional and left wondering if you did the right thing, but I am telling you now, after that 'while' you will feel so much better. You do not need anyone in your life who is going to put you down, because more importantly you deserve a 'life' of happiness and respect. There is someone out there for you who will love you for who you are, you need 'love and happiness' you need to get compliments and praise and acceptance. You don't want to spend the rest of your life in someone elses shoes, crawling around on tip toes. That isn't a life hun.
There must be a day when he isn't around and that will be the day when you make your escape, and believe me that escape will come flowing with freedom for you. It will be scary at first because you are coming out of your comfort zone that you only know of, it will be like a challange of fear, and that is exactly it. Once you have embraced that fear and made that first step to close the front door you have done the main part! You have friends or family who you can talk to about this and go stay with them. You need all the support you can get. A boyfriend should make you feel happy to be alive, your reason to get up in the mornings, someone who shares part of your soul in your everyday life, you shouldn't be made to feel afraid everyday of what each day brings, no body deserves that. My advice to you is to talk to him (your boyfriend) and say how much he is upsetting you, if he then realises and actually LISTENS and starts to change into a better person, then all is well. You should ask him why he downgraded you in the first place though? He has to have a reason, maybe he is going through a tough time himself, but even that is no excuse to take it out on you. If he doesn't listen and gets all defensive, leave him. Don't ask him to leave because he may get really defensive and you don't want to be any more afraid. I am thinking of your safety here. He may refuse to move out and then you will feel threatened of what he may do next. If you know he easily gets angry, then don't even mention leaving to him. Just leave on a day or the hour he is out. I really would advise you to get out now though, be brave and know that the best of your life will come after you have left him. And then if you leave him, it's the aftermath that you have to be strong about. He may beg for you to come back to him and that he will change and that he is sorry etc. As you don't mention that he has hit you yet, then that is up to you if you wish to give him another chance. But I would advise giving him JUST that ONE chance, if you do want to go back with him. But for now make him see you mean busisness and move out. If you had said he had hit you in any way of physical abuse then I would strongly recommend you don't take him back at all. You should always walk away and never turn back into someones life who hits you, even if it is just a slap. But as you haven't mentioned any physical violence, then maybe he can change and maybe you will or will not give him that chance, that my friend is up to you. If it was me, I wouldn't give him that chance, YET I can see you like him a lot still and must feel s'omething' for him to want to stay with him despite what he does to you. Talk to him. Don't stand for any more, stand up and think confidently. You have got to ask yourself, 'why do I still want him around even though he abuses me?' 'what is it I am addcited too that reels me back to him time after time?'. Think about these questions, really think and if you will, get back to the forum and write again. But always remeber whatever your decision however worse it may get, I am here for you, my name is heather by the way. Is it that you want him around because JUST as he has makes you want to leave, he plays with your head and acts all nice and innocent again. You can not listen to him sob storys. He may have some charm and some good points, but they sound 'fake' to me. It is as if he is just using those good points of his to make you stay. And what is worse than fake happiness? If you feel this happiness and good stuff he delievers is real, what if it is all a lie?
On the other hand, if you feel he really does have some goodness to his heart, then why does he continue to abuse you? The final thing I shall leave you with is, don't try to change him, HE has to be the one who has to change. 'Ask' him to change if you want and then see what happens, but never try to make him change, never try to make good things happen when it's clear they arn't happening. It will only cause pain in the long run. You can't change someone who wont change themselves. Why do you feel you have to stay? Do you think that if you stay he will have hope of changing? Please don't rely on this hope. You can not nurse him better to treat you better. You can't be the hero in this sweetie, you can't think, 'oh if I just stay and do what he says and smile he will be nice to me again'. He probably wont. He will most probably thrive on that intead and see your innocence and put you down even more. If he sees you doing everything he says or he notices you are believing all he says when he dowgrades you, he will feel in control, and no one should be the controller in a relationship. A relationship is equal. Above all, NOTHING is wrong with you, nothing. My god, don't think that for a moment. YOU are worthy, you are in this life to live a life not just to exist. It is HIM with the problem. There is something wrong with HIM. He may well make you feel that the problem is you, but that is just his bullying coming through, don't listen to it, it is not true! Now I erge you to think brave thoughts, picture the tomorows of the future of a better life, listen to all what I have said, and think for a while about my questions if you can and get back to me. I am thinking of you, and I am here. Heather xxx
xxx H:Kevill xxx
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Just rememeber one more thing, a leaopard never changes his spots. Once a bully always a bully. I would not rely on him changing. He may say he will, but personally I would strongly advise you to get out now.
xxx H:Kevill xxx
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Jayls:
Yes you do have a problem and though this b/f appears to be the problem he is only the symptom. You have the problem. Some where along the line of growing up you were abused and your mind learned a skewed definition of what love is and how to show love which is why you are getting “abused.” We learn how to love by the person we associate the most with and want love from the most. Usually that is one or both of our parents but today it can be almost any adult just whomever we identify with and want the most attention from. Now you need to think who it was that you craved the most attention from when you were growing up? Also was there anyone who sexually abused you? You didn’t have to be sexually abused, it could be any kind of aggression, screaming, tearing you down anything that made you feel bad about yourself. Even though it was negative you associated how this person treated you and this became your definition of love and how love was to be shown. This person defined love for you, what real love. What love is supposed to feel like, how it is to be shown and how to respond to love in a healthy way. Now even though “logically” you know that you are being abused it is still the only way you know how to be loved and it is the only way you know how to feel loved. So you have to retrain your thinking and to relearn how to respond to love in a positive and healthy way. Think of all the women that stay in abusive relationships. People say why don’t they leave and they think the woman likes to be abused and deserve what they are getting. This is not true. Like you these women know they are being abused and they want out desperately but they don’t know any other way to be loved and they can not get out. If they were treated any other way it would feel strange. They would not feel loved at all because they would not feel what they were taught love felt like. So they don’t know any other way to feel love. This is why you can not get out no matter how much it hurts and how insane you know the way you are being treated is.
If you really want to get out of this cycle of abuse you will have to go into therapy and learn how to love and feel love in a healthy way to counteract the abusive way you were taught love was. You have a decision to make. You will stay in this relationship as long as you are getting your needs met even though they are not the way you really want to be shown love. You may stay forever but I know you will stay at least as long as you continue to define love in “abusive” terms like you do now. When you really have had enough and start thinking more of yourself to where you believe you deserve to be treated with respect, in a positive, healthy and affectionate way then you will seek out treatment. You will then love yourself and give yourself permission to be loved the way a self respected woman wants to be treated.
As long as you “allow” a man to treat you the way this guy is treating you this is the only way you are going to be loved and you will stay and take it.
I don’t know when you will have had enough to the point where you will take action.
Maybe now that you understand how you got this way and why you are taking this abuse and feel you can’t get you, you will work on learning how to love yourself enough to seek out treatment so that you can learn how to love and be loved in a healthy way. It is all up to you. When you have had enough you will take action and get out. You will have to go into therapy because you have to learn how to love yourself first, then how to define healthy love and then how to give and receive love in a healthy and positive way. You will be treated the way you ask to be treated and until you get into therapy and learn how to love yourself you will seek out men who abuse you and the cycle will continue. So you have to learn how to break the cycle of abuse and that will take some relearning and time. You have some work to do and until that is done you will attract and stay with abusive men. I don’t know what your financial situation is but all counties have Mental Health Centers where they have to treat you for free or according to your financial status. So you can get treatment now and work through this abusive type cycle. The sooner you get started the sooner you get out of this type of relationship. Then some day you will meet and find a type of guy who will treat you the way you should be loved. Then you will be loved the way you have always wanted to be and have a happy and healthy relationship. It will happen and then you will pass it down to your children so you don’t let the cycle be passed on to the next generation. You will have broken it and hopefully forever. You don’t want to pass this abusive so called “love” down to where your sons treat their wives the way you are being treated nor have your daughter’s being treated the way you are being treated. So let’s end it here. When you have had enough call your County Mental Health Center and make an appointment. It will take a while to get in but it will be worth the wait. They will try to get you to pay full price. I promise you if you tell them you don’t have the money and can show how little you make they have to treat you because it is the county system so don’t let them scare you away just stand up and say you need treatment and know that you can get it there.
Let me know what you think and what you decide to do. Please if he hurts you get out no matter what call the Abuse center for battered women before it is too late.
I will look for your response. I would like to know what you thought and decided to do. If there is anything more you don’t understand about how abuse works and stops us from loving ourselves and learning how to love in a healthy way just write me back and ask any questions.
I am here for you and will be until you work this out the way you want to work it out.
Do let me know what you decided to do and if you need help handling any of it.
Good luck and stay safe,
Mary-Anne
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Thank you soooo much. Everything you are saying is COMPLETLY TRUE!
I need help and I know I do....I am going to look up some phone munbers and start calling around to get some help. I will write more when I actually make some progress because I am stuck in a rutt right now and feel HORRIBLE ABOUT MYSELF!
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Jayls:
I don't believe in accidents. I came across this story as I am working with Mrs. Arkansas's partner and found her site which is one that helps abused women. I immediately thought of you and how you feel about yourself. Please go read her story and even contact her for help. I think she could help you and just maybe I was supposed to come across her story. Here is the URL where I found her story www.thehelpfoundation.org/Rebeccaas%20Story.htm. Her website is www.thehelpfoundation.org and you can go where it says Rebecca's story.
I think she can help you feel so much better about yourself.
I hope this helps as you have no reason to feel bad about yourself but only someone who has been through similar circumstances can tell you this so I will pray and hope that you find help and guidance through what I have just sent you.
Let me know as I will be thinking of you until I know you are alright and have a hand to hold like Rebecca's.
Mary-Anne
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I am going to check it out right away and I will let you know when I get in touch with her, I also got in touch with a Haven House for battered women here where i live and I have my first appointment for couseling on Thursday. I am excited because I also found out a bunch of new info. that has once again hurt me soooo badly. He just doesn't stop so I need to find the strength to stop and I am trying to do it properly. I really appreciate your assistance in helping me,it means alot.