­I was raped over the summer and never told anyone until 3 weeks ago. Before my mom found out, she treated me the same as usual, and I was fine, dealing with my own problems. Now that she knows, she holds it against me for not telling her sooner, i have no freedom (i can't go anywhere without her), and she wants me to do counseling! I don't want to do it, i personally think its for people who actually need it, and can't handel their problems well! what am i to do???

Raynee

­ Hi Raynee:

First let me say how sorry I am that you ever had to be violated. No one should ever have their person assaulted and abused like you did. I use to work for the police in the Rape and Sexual Abuse Department. I don't know how old you are and how much that and denial of what happened are playing into how you are feeling right now. As far as telling your mother Raynee there is no "right" or "wrong" time to tell. You tell and did tell when you felt you needed or wanted to. So know that you did what was right for you and your "healing process."
As far as the rest of your feelings that you wrote, which you didn't write much about your feelings, this bothers me, because there has to be a "healing process." First your mother's reaction is "normal" Raynee. A parent feels so helpless when any kind of harm comes to their child and their natural instinct is to become "angry" which is really fear and want to "protect." So you may have to understand that your mother has very deep feelings about this rape. I am sure she blames herself that she didn't protect you and keep you safe, all caring parents feel this way. So try to understand that she is also experiencing the aftermath of "rape." She is also grieving and feeling helpless because she can not take it back or make it go away. SO she is doing what comes naturally to her "protect" you at all cost. Try to understand what you feel as anger and punishment from your mother is really love and a feeling of helplessness. You both need counseling. You say you don't need counseling well let me tell you after working in Rape and Sexual abuse that you "do" everyone who has ever been raped or assualted in any way needs counseling. It is hard to explain because of all the psychology and inner things that are going on without you even knowing about them. But if you don't work through this rape believe me it will not "just go away." It is such an unnatural act, anything that violates our body goes so against what is natural. The way you know that is compare "natural" to the animal kingdom. Animals don't rape each other. Anything that is not natural will play out in harmful ways in our bodies and our minds if we don't work through this unnatural assault. So, you may think you are OK, and you probably are holding on but subconsciously you are not OK you are in Post Traumatic Stress and eventually if you keep going on the way you are, you will start having behaviors that are unnatural. These will happen without your permission because the mind and the body has to do something with this trauma if you don't do something with it through counseling. This I promise you. No one gets through rape unharmed so don't kid yourself especially being a teen. You have less coping skills than an adult does and an adult can't make it through rape without having trauma. It is the same thing that happens to people who go to war and see something or experience something so traumatic they get Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. We have thousands of people walking around from World War II and Vietnam still today that are still in Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome because they never worked through the trauma. I know what I am talking about Raynee and the sooner you get counseling and work through this unnatural violation the sooner you get help the sooner you will be able to "really" get on with your life and not have to fear or worry about what will come if you don't work through this rape. Because it happened to you and your mother is having trauma from the rape of her child she also needs counseling to work through her issues or she won't be able to let you go back to having a normal life and there will be constant unhealthy reactions from your mother in handling the aftermath of this rape.
So, even if you want to poo poo me, if you ever want your freedom again you need to go ahead and make an appointment for you and your mother with an expert in Rape and Sexual Abuse. Don't go to just any counselor it must be an expert in this area. I know the police Department has a Rape and Sexual Abuse Counseling Center in every town I know of. The local mental health center should be able to refer you to a professional Rape and Sexual Abuse Counselor OR call the Rape and Sexual Abuse Hotline in your town they all have counselors and it is free.
But Reynee believe me no matter how much you want to just forget this rape and get on with your life, it can't happen no matter how much you want to say it can. In that way you have to trust me that I know more about how the mind and body works than you especially in this area and I sure wouldn't steer you wrong or send you to counseling if it were not absolutely necessary. In fact just the fact that you want to forget it and just get on with your life shows you are not handling this rape at all. I bet you even get irritated if it is brought up. You just want to make it go away, but it won't not inside of you. It will grow and take on a life of its own and then it will come out in uncontrollable ways that will make you get counseling and maybe even make it so you have to go into the hospital and take medications. So avoid those future nightmares and get the help now so you can work it through, let your mind and body work it through and then you can get on with your life. IF you deny and avoid working through this trauma don't ever think it will just be gone in time. It will only get worse in time and you will have to get counseling eventually that I promise because that is the way our minds and bodies work when they have been violated in an unnatural way. So, it is now when it wouldn't take a real long time, won't interfer with your life, you will get your freedom back because your mother will also get treatment and soon you will be able to put this behind you and so will your mother and you both can move on and have a new life together.
OR, avoid, deny, fight, lie to yourself, whatever but eventually your mind will start acting out and your body will start acting out this violation and make you get help against your will no matter what you say. Then if you wait until all these unnatural reactions come out because you didn't get help and work through the rape it will take much longer, more indepth and most likely will stop your life for a while and take a while for you to get better and get so you can go back into life at all.
I will not go into any details but just know I am speaking from experience and you really don't want to wait until you have no control and your mind and body start reacting in ways I promise you really don't want to know about. So do it now get the help. It will only take an hour out of your week that is much better than waiting and having to stop your whole life for who knows how long.
You don't have to tell anyone and again your mother is not going to let you go out without her until you and she get the help you both need.
Again, try to understand your mother even though it seems to come out like anger it really is "fear" and "guilt" I have seen it too many times in parents, husbands it just is awful the pain the people who love you go through and again it doesn't just end either. Your mother will probably get worse faster than you because she is an adult and can see more of the aftermath and is the parent who feels somehow it was her fault. There is no "just getting on with life." Well, that is the best I can do trying to explain all that I can to you in hopes that you will get the help you and mom need so you can get on with your life sooner.
I hope you can see some of what I am saying and you will realize no one can get through a rape and come out of it "OK" and move on. It isn't natural we as humans and as animals just don't work that way.

I am always here for you. I care and I will always tell it to you straight.
I would like to know what you decide to do and if you do take my advice you will see you will get your freedom back much sooner and things at home will get back to a new normal much sooner. Your way there are going to be fights from now on and things will only get more tense and worse between you and your mom. Please don't let this happen.
OK, let me know please,
Mary-Anne