Hey Jayls,
I read your message on the forum. Well first of, I think you are brave to have written in, you seem like you really want a final solution to the problem and so it is a cry for help that needs answering. I have a friend online who with lots of encouragment and support managed to get out of an abusive relationship. She is now feeling free and getting on with her life. You can do the same, I know it must be hard for you right now because as much as he treats you like scum, the more you love him because you feel deep down he really loves you too. This may or may not be true but how can he, really, if he is treating you in this appauling manner. You don't mention any physical abuse in your messege, but what you say is clearly verbal and emotional abuse, which unfortunatly nearly always goes on to higher stuff therefore physical abuse. You also don't say 'why' you still want him around? Could you tell me more about that? Do you still love him? I suppose anyone who meets someone for the first time and they seem really nice, and then the bad stuff starts and yet you feel you can't leave him because you keep replaying in your head about the first time you met him when he was nice and therefore don't want to leave him. Your boyfriend sounds like a 'in control bully' (I am only saying what I feel and I always speak the truth even if it does hurt because more often where it hurts is where the problem lies and we need to work on that) and he sounds like he keeps you on his side, (therefore he 'can' be nice at times just when you are wanting to leave him). Wrapping you around his finger is one of his key points. Messing with your head.
You have your whole life a head of you and so much to look forward to once you can break free and leave. No man is worth your tears, honestly sweet listen if you can be brave to get out, it will be over within seconds 'the leaving part', and yes it will take time to feel brave again, and you will be scared for a while, you will feel emotional and left wondering if you did the right thing, but I am telling you now, after that 'while' you will feel so much better. You do not need anyone in your life who is going to put you down, because more importantly you deserve a 'life' of happiness and respect. There is someone out there for you who will love you for who you are, you need 'love and happiness' you need to get compliments and praise and acceptance. You don't want to spend the rest of your life in someone elses shoes, crawling around on tip toes. That isn't a life hun.
There must be a day when he isn't around and that will be the day when you make your escape, and believe me that escape will come flowing with freedom for you. It will be scary at first because you are coming out of your comfort zone that you only know of, it will be like a challange of fear, and that is exactly it. Once you have embraced that fear and made that first step to close the front door you have done the main part! You have friends or family who you can talk to about this and go stay with them. You need all the support you can get. A boyfriend should make you feel happy to be alive, your reason to get up in the mornings, someone who shares part of your soul in your everyday life, you shouldn't be made to feel afraid everyday of what each day brings, no body deserves that. My advice to you is to talk to him (your boyfriend) and say how much he is upsetting you, if he then realises and actually LISTENS and starts to change into a better person, then all is well. You should ask him why he downgraded you in the first place though? He has to have a reason, maybe he is going through a tough time himself, but even that is no excuse to take it out on you. If he doesn't listen and gets all defensive, leave him. Don't ask him to leave because he may get really defensive and you don't want to be any more afraid. I am thinking of your safety here. He may refuse to move out and then you will feel threatened of what he may do next. If you know he easily gets angry, then don't even mention leaving to him. Just leave on a day or the hour he is out. I really would advise you to get out now though, be brave and know that the best of your life will come after you have left him. And then if you leave him, it's the aftermath that you have to be strong about. He may beg for you to come back to him and that he will change and that he is sorry etc. As you don't mention that he has hit you yet, then that is up to you if you wish to give him another chance. But I would advise giving him JUST that ONE chance, if you do want to go back with him. But for now make him see you mean busisness and move out. If you had said he had hit you in any way of physical abuse then I would strongly recommend you don't take him back at all. You should always walk away and never turn back into someones life who hits you, even if it is just a slap. But as you haven't mentioned any physical violence, then maybe he can change and maybe you will or will not give him that chance, that my friend is up to you. If it was me, I wouldn't give him that chance, YET I can see you like him a lot still and must feel s'omething' for him to want to stay with him despite what he does to you. Talk to him. Don't stand for any more, stand up and think confidently. You have got to ask yourself, 'why do I still want him around even though he abuses me?' 'what is it I am addcited too that reels me back to him time after time?'. Think about these questions, really think and if you will, get back to the forum and write again. But always remeber whatever your decision however worse it may get, I am here for you, my name is heather by the way. Is it that you want him around because JUST as he has makes you want to leave, he plays with your head and acts all nice and innocent again. You can not listen to him sob storys. He may have some charm and some good points, but they sound 'fake' to me. It is as if he is just using those good points of his to make you stay. And what is worse than fake happiness? If you feel this happiness and good stuff he delievers is real, what if it is all a lie?
On the other hand, if you feel he really does have some goodness to his heart, then why does he continue to abuse you? The final thing I shall leave you with is, don't try to change him, HE has to be the one who has to change. 'Ask' him to change if you want and then see what happens, but never try to make him change, never try to make good things happen when it's clear they arn't happening. It will only cause pain in the long run. You can't change someone who wont change themselves. Why do you feel you have to stay? Do you think that if you stay he will have hope of changing? Please don't rely on this hope. You can not nurse him better to treat you better. You can't be the hero in this sweetie, you can't think, 'oh if I just stay and do what he says and smile he will be nice to me again'. He probably wont. He will most probably thrive on that intead and see your innocence and put you down even more. If he sees you doing everything he says or he notices you are believing all he says when he dowgrades you, he will feel in control, and no one should be the controller in a relationship. A relationship is equal. Above all, NOTHING is wrong with you, nothing. My god, don't think that for a moment. YOU are worthy, you are in this life to live a life not just to exist. It is HIM with the problem. There is something wrong with HIM. He may well make you feel that the problem is you, but that is just his bullying coming through, don't listen to it, it is not true! Now I erge you to think brave thoughts, picture the tomorows of the future of a better life, listen to all what I have said, and think for a while about my questions if you can and get back to me. I am thinking of you, and I am here. Heather xxx
xxx H:Kevill xxx
