LFA Café

Advice about Relationships => Questions and MaryAnne's Advice => Topic started by: Jivers on November 13, 2001, 11:32:18 AM

Title: boyfriend trouble
Post by: Jivers on November 13, 2001, 11:32:18 AM
­Hello, I am new to your site. I have some trouble with my boyfriend, or ex-boyfriend now. I love him very much but we have gone through some terrible times. Our relationship was verbally abusive, I was very co-dependant, and we suffer the loss of a child (by choice). Our relationship seems so irrepairable. His family hates me, my family hates him. But we both struggle with it all. Even after all these awful things happened to us, we have a love between each other that never goes away. Therefor, we cannot stay away from each other. I talked to a counselor and she thought maybe it is an addiction. I don't agree. I just really love him so much and cant imagine not having him in my life. I cant get past that. I keep thinking there has got to be someone out there that can help us. Right now he is struggling with trying to forgive me...for leaving him (our apartment), and for not going through with having our baby. I tried to tell him how I feel. How I couldnt bring a child into a life of destruction, hate and an unhealthy environment. He just see's it as murder. What he doesnt realize is that even though I chose it, I am not happy about it and it is a loss for me too. Do you think that there is any remote chance that a couple can work through all these horrible things?
Title: ­ Jivers:
Post by: MaryAnne on November 15, 2001, 08:24:05 PM
­ Jivers:

Well, I can answer your last question first because it is the easiest in all of what you have presented. Yes, everything “can” be worked through and I do not believe anything is “hopeless,” or I wouldn’t be in this line of work.
But it will take a major commitment on both of your parts, which so far what you have described to me neither of you seem to be able to take responsibility much less commitment.
You would both have to go into relationship counseling and work through your issues. These are “core” issues that go to each of your basic nature’s so you really can not move forward or even attempt to start healing these deep wounds until you work through and learn to honor and respect each other’s differences. I must say here from what you have written, that maybe the counselor you saw wasn’t so off in her/his assessment of your situation. Maybe you are more of a co-dependent relationship and not a mature and lasting love built on healthy boundaries and communication. Exactly what could be called healthy about this relationship? Maybe that is the question you need to be asking yourself and so should your boyfriend, exactly what are we getting out of this kind of relationship and what is healthy about our relationship? If you don’t want to believe what you have is a co-dependent relationship prove it through the challenges that counseling would present to you both. If you both can not face your issues from the past and the issues that are facing your relationship now I don’t think what you can find that love is the core ingredient to this relationship. You might be quite surprised at what you might find if you stay in honesty with each other.
Read Kahlil Gibran’s “The Prophet” on love and marriage I have never read a more comprehensive, enlightening, yet loving description of both love and marriage. Read them both after you have done the first part of my request, where you both ask yourselves and list exactly what good is coming out of this relationship? Oh and you can not use the word “Love.” I believe we should all do some self analysis to find what our relationship intentions are and what our relationship is built on. Are your needs the only ones you think about? Do you put what you want and need aside for your mates? Am I understanding and do I allow the other person to grow and be who they are? As time goes by it has been proven Jivers, that the “in love” part of our relationship passes into the next stage which makes sense for what we really are put in relationships for in the first place to procreate. After we are married no need to have the “in love” to bring a baby into the world. But we have never been taught what do we replace the “in love” part of ourselves with? If there is no foundation built on a mutual “belief” system what will you rely on when things get rough?
I hope you find some peace but it is going to be at a cost either way. You have major differences in your belief systems and that is not something that should be changed for anyone except self.
Title: Re: boyfriend trouble
Post by: arjline06 on September 21, 2010, 03:13:42 AM
There are really challenges that came to a relationship and those challenges will be the one who will make you stronger and know the truth. If you really love each other you will overcome that problem. Giving up in that situation even if you know that there is a hope, is stupidity. So fight for love and trust God.