LFA Café

LFA Café


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* November 10, 2003, 08:47:38 PM
­ First, accept apologies for my english, I haven't spoken it for a while.

I just don't know where to turn to, or what to do. So here it goes.
Before we got together, we've known each other for about five months. During that time we talked a lot and it took a number of long conversations, before he slowly, step by step, opened up to me. It was worth it. Underneath he showed to be loving, tender, romantic, considerate, respecful. We've been together for a year now and he is still everything I hoped for, despite what I'll write below.
The first problem appeared when his parents were around. I was just too shy and unconfident. On top of that, I didn't see what it was doing to him. In his words, I couldn't find enough strength to get over my complex fast enough and do what was right, even tough I saw it was hurting him and his parents. Indeed he had to talk to me about it several times, before I was able to change, open up, trust myself, find the courage and talk to his parents properly.
We've had a bunch of misunderstandings beacouse he doesn't let it show when something hurts him, not when it happens. And it could be anything, a small gesture or a certain way I (or someone else) says something. He manages to keep it inside him for some time, but when it starts to show, he closes up and shuts me out. He won't tell what's wrong. Many times he told me, that if I haven't seen it when it happened, it just isn't important. So I got real good at spotting situations like that. I explain myself more, I ask more questions, to avoid this. I don't just assume he or that I know something. Should love be like mind reading? After one of this situations we agreed that we should talk more, get things out sooner, but still - he won't tell what's eating him, cause he doesn't want to hurt me. But beeing there for him is the least I can do. It won't bring me down. It hurts beeing shut out. His answer is, that he's like that, he can't change. He won't pass his burden on to someone else, won't let anybody near, won't allow to hurt anybody. But he's doing just that. He fakes it for his friends, but when we're alone, the smile disapears and he avoids looking me in the eyes. Talking to him doesn't help. Ecouraging him to talk doesn't. Hugs and kisses don't either. Trying to make him smile just a little doesn't. I just don't know what to do to make it better. He expects me to do something, but I have yet to figure it out myself. My mind is confused, I don't know what should I do. I don't know anymore whether I should listen to what my heart tells me or do what is expected of me. I can't trust my judgement anymore, I tried so many times and have been wrong almost just as many. I know, that he wants me there with him, but I'm running out. I don't know how to pull him out of his shell. We're so worried about not hurting each other, that we don't talk about our problems. Beacouse it brings him down, and I can't pull him out, when it happens. We just loose a lot of energy first finding out what's wrong, and then fixing it. And it's even worse and much harder, when it's me who's hurt him. I'm not reckless, I'm tiptoeing around him, but it still happens.

I guess I need someone elses opinion, any kind of advice, anything.
I just hope that what I wrote makes sense.

Thank you...


November 13, 2003, 12:40:02 AM
­ Raiden:

I must say first that the way you put your problem down in words it is hard for me to get to what you are looking for. So it I am way off on what the problem is please excuse me. From what you have written and my interpretation I will answer.
Obviously there is great love between the two of you but love is never enough in a relationship. Communication is a very large part of any relationship. How both people work or do not work at a relationship is another large part. Last but not least our own issues that we bring into a relationship play a large part of how a relationship works.
No one can “save,” “change,” or “control” another person no matter how much we think we can. In time all relationships break down that are built on that premise.
Let’s take your boyfriend first. He has some very deep issues and if he has resigned himself to believe he can not change well then he will never change. You can’t make him happy, you can not solve his problems nor can you change how he decides to react to his emotions. That is why you are at a dead end. We all can only make changes in ourselves. We are each responsible for our own lives, how we live them, how we perceive our lives and what we do about what happens in our lives. He wants you to “rescue” him but you can’t. You will lose yourself in the process of trying to be everything he needs. He is just taking the “life” out of you to fill the emptiness in himself. When I first learned these lessons myself I thought they were cold and cruel especially being in my choice of professions. I wanted to “save” other people but over time I started to lose myself and I became a weaker and weaker person because there was no one there saving me. I finally learned that I could not save someone else that if I focused on me and worked on making me the best self I could be that gave me much more energy, wisdom and love to “help guide” others to find themselves.
Your boyfriend has problems and he needs to get help to work through these problems. If he chooses not to get help or if he has resigned himself that he can not change, which we can all change anything about ourselves, then there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. You are seeing that now. No matter what you try you can not do anything about “fixing” him. He has to want to be different for himself. People change only when they become so uncomfortable with the way they are that they can not take the pain any longer. But basically most of us stay the way we are because it is easier and we are getting something out of it. A behavior is never continued unless something is being gained by it. So no matter how painful it may seem to some of us a person will continue very painful and sad behaviors because they are getting something that they need or want out of performing that behavior.
I know this is a lot of psychology to explain to you but I think it is important because you are both destroying each other, taking the life out of each other because you are both so focused on each other instead of focusing on your own selves where the focus needs to be. In fact only when you focus on “fixing” yourself will any of this change for the better.
Your relationship will just become more and more out of control. You will become what we call in psychology “fused” together and unable to see anything clearly to where you will both just feed off of each other to get the strength just to continue each day.
This is not a healthy relationship and you are seeing and feeling the affects of the sickness within your relationship.
There is only one solution and that is that you each get help for your own issues and work them out separately. You can love each other through this process and stay a couple but you need to stay out of trying to save each other or expecting the other to save you.
I can write the ending to this relationship here and now because the same thing always happens when people have issues and try to save, change or control another person. It never works and the person loses themselves in the process to where there is no longer two people having a relationship. You have an ongoing process where you take away each other’s identities. You are left with nothing but a bunch of emotions that can be ignited with the least little look, action, word and there is an ongoing “soap opera” that never ends and continues to get more and more volatile over time. Eventually one person, the one that is the healthiest has to leave to save themselves or they stay together and just make each other miserable forever and raise very sick children.
You wrote me so I venture to say you are the stronger personality, so I am advising you in the strongest way to listen to my advice and if your boyfriend loves you or himself in any way, he must get help. If you are in India or a country where counseling is looked down on as I know it is in Arab countries too, he can find someone on the Internet. It would be better in his case since men are very reluctant to admit much less go get help but to save your relationship do whatever it takes.
You also need to get counseling to work through your issues and your need to save your boyfriend and why you feel it is your need to save him, make him happy or solve whatever is going on in him. This is an unhealthy outlook and does not work in a good relationship. You will lose yourself. You will be blamed for more and more of his moods, what happens and eventually I am afraid abuse would not be out of the question.
You will become weaker and weaker over time as you are already feeling and you can not win because it is not my opinion it is a proven fact you can not save another person. You can not “make” someone else happy, solve their problems or make anything different for anyone else. We all have to do it for ourselves and if we do not or believe we can not then what is happening will continue to happen and nothing stays the same so things will get worse. As I say this is the perfect set up in a relationship for abuse to come someday. So there is no good ending to this except both of you getting counseling. If you love each other you can make that your motivating reason, do it for the relationship. Eventually as we become “healthy” adults and see that we can only be responsible for our selves then we continue to work on our issues for ourselves. Only when we have our own issues worked through can we truly be there for someone else as a loved one. That is why working through our problems is so important and not emphasized enough in life. If we are broken how can we really be the loved one we would like to be for someone else.
This is the only answer I can give you because I know there is no other. I hope you both get help and work through your issues so you can be there to love, support and comfort each other through life as a loving couple.
Let me know what you decide to do as I do care and I can feel your pain. I know you love each other the best way you can right now. I hope you choose to love yourselves enough to get the counseling you need to keep your relationship together and save yourselves.
I am sorry you are hurting but I also know you can solve this and have a healthy and happy relationship so I will hope that you take my advice.
Write me and let me know the outcome so I know you are going to be alright.
I hope you can understand my English and nothing is lost because of our language difference.

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