I read and re-read your post. First let's address your psychiatric issues, meaning your correct in obviously the visits and the medication they have you on are not working. I can't diagnose or treat it goes beyond my boundaries as a Professional Counselor, adviser, and life skills teacher. But because of your suicidal thoughts and behavioral problems and phobias, obviously you are not getting the correct treatment. You need to be re-assessed and your medication definitely is not working so you need to be put on new medications until you work through your issues. I don't ever like to see anyone on medications long term unless an issue can not be solved but I think a lot of yours are behavioral and can be changed. The meds. would be just to support you until you worked through your Behavioral issues are worked through.
As far as your present questions first you need to not look at this girl from your wants but from her actions and they are clearly that she is not interested in you in really any way and has plenty of problems of her own from what you have written. The last thing you need is someone who is messed up in the head. From what you write she just uses you when she is "without" someone and you are what is called a "filler" until someone or something better comes along. Quit letting her jerk your chain. You were doing really well, changing yourself for yourself stopping all the negative things, and doing the positive things to help yourself working out is great you need to stick with that, eat right, take care of yourself. Find hobbies, a great one to meet people is The Sierra Club. I am pretty sure they have them in England too. Look it up on google. But now is a great time being Spring because they go out and do really fun things for weekends, healthy out doors stuff and it is both men and women so it is also a great way to meet friends and also someone you might find wants to do things with you.
You are 34, do you work? Do you have a career? You need to get out and join things to meet people. It is not so good to meet someone in a bar or even on the Internet. There are many ways to meet someone, but you need to first start with making friends and then friends lead you to more friends and then they lead you to meeting women. It is always better to meet someone through someone you already know. Just know this too, it is not a proven fact but I have it to be true in my 30 years working with people. You really can't be "just" friends with someone of the opposite sex one always has it for the other and the one that doesn't never will. So either way it is a lost cause. Also women especially as friends drop people when they meet a man. Guys aren't as likely to do that but wow women are.
Anyway write back about what you are going to do about your psychiatric issues please because they clearly are not working.
Also about what you do with your time and being 34 if you have a career and what kinds of hobbies you like and could clearly take up to meet people.
Also a plan where to go from here, with your issues, how to meet people, how to make friends. Come up with a plan after you research The Sierra Club, other clubs or groups you could join that do things you enjoy too. I want you to come up with a concrete plan and then get back with me.
I want you to leave with a new Medical Plan, self health program and goals for your life in the present, and how you are going to meet people to make friends and meet women OK???
OK, I look forward to hearing back from you after you have done your homework and made your present life plan that I have spelled out for you.
I am here so forget the suicidal ideation, being the victim and help me help you and that means doing your homework and making concrete plans and making your life work for you. IT is what we all have to do and stop being dependent. You understand I am not coming down on you I am trying to "man u up" and get you to fight for yourself and what you want in life and I am here to guide you on how to get it. But you have to do the work. You have done the first step reaching out to a professional and realizing what you got going isn't working.
So change it I am helping you with how to change it.
OK, write when you have your plan designed and written down. Put a copy on your mirror step by step what you need to do. Make a daily plan on what you need to do, step by step, a daily plan I call it. I have one myself, from what time I get up, what I have to do each step of the way for each and every day, and I put in pencil things I have to do for just that day, like make phone calls, make appts. or go to appts. etc. and I erase those each night as I evaluate how well I did follow my schedule that day and then I reflect on how well I did and I give myself Kudo's and just sit for a minute and feel the success of that day. I live one day at a time. I have a plan for one year and a 5 year plan but my focus and daily schedule plan is to make that day count but also lead to my one year plan and my five year plan. You see what I mean?
Ok if you need any help we will go over that after you have done your assignments in this post.
Good luck and will be looking to hear back from you when you have it all done.