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Like friend guy more than just a friend
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December 19, 2001, 10:37:07 PM
­ Dear MaryAnne,
I am a 28 year old divorced woman with 1 child (5 years old) Through out my life I have a pattern of dating real loser type of guys. They always use me and treat me pretty bad. Just recently I endeavoured in another relationship with someone who is addicted to a narcotic...this caused some major challenges for us. Especially since I really didn't seem him attempting all of his original rehabilitation plans. He is now in jail. All of my 'real' friends have kept warning me about him and begged me to let him go. I told them that I did but really I was still visiting and speaking with him on the phone.

This past weekend I had a couple of these friends come over to my house and for the FIRST time ever I was not concerned about my boyfriend. In fact I saw interest in someone who I've known for years and who is completely responsible and sweet. He would never guess that I liked him. Now, I'm determined NOT to ruin this... BUT is is tricky!

How do I let him know I'm actually interested in him ( I've almost always referred to him as my little brother!). I know that I can just be honest with him but I don't want to risk our friendship of make it awkward for when we do go out together...

Help...
I am so amazed at myself that I actually like a 'nice' guy - This could be a major sign?

Please help Mary Anne!

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December 19, 2001, 10:38:32 PM
#1
­ Bridget:

What a wonderful Christmas this would make if it happens. I will trust your judgment and try to help all I can. Ok, first, I am going to be a little crude, but a guy said it and all men agree with it. He is a comedian and said that “no woman is really a friend to a man, she is just the one he hasn’t gotten yet.” So if we take that as all men have told me this guy probably already likes you. Being your friend is his way not to lose you and he is not about to try anything because at least having your friendship is better than loosing you all together.
I think back now and I had many male friends and I must say everyone of them wanted a relationship. So I think you have a good chance Bridget.
Now what to do. First quite calling him your little brother I am sure that doesn’t help his male ego (smile).
The best relationships are built from friendships so it could be a really good break through for you and your usual pattern.
Well there are two approaches since you are already friends. You could ask him over for dinner and to talk which would not be abnormal. Have it where you have everything to eat around like a coffee table where you can both sit on the floor and nibble and drink some wine and talk. Just be “normal” friends and then later in the evening tell him he is your friend and you have a problem and since he is your friend and it has to do with him you figure he would be the best person to talk to. I have actually used this one. Anyway, then just tell him without totally making it to where you could look real bad if it backfires. Tell him you “think” you like him more than a friend but don’t want to lose the friendship but you also have to do something with the thoughts you are having. Ask him what he thinks. Don’t bring him up or ask him how he feels. Just say what I said and see what he does with it. He will address his feelings to you without you asking and he will give you his advice and you have made it where he can give it without really hurting you if it isn’t good and also so you can still be friends afterwards. Mine did and we went back to the way we were. It worked out well but later he did come back and want to try (smile).
For a friendship that approach is comfortable and does not damage anything but your ego and you can handle that. Just write me and I will help you over it. But you will have kept your dignity and you allowed him to be honest without feeling he is caught in a no win situation and also it will save the friendship.
The other way is to well ya know there isn’t another way that I think will work as well or get what you want. I think the above approach is the perfect way.
Any other way puts one of you on the spot and once that is done it hurts the friendship and makes both people uncomfortable.
The only other thing I would like to advise is play it out in your mind and prepare for it going both ways so you can handle whatever happens. Make sure you are prepared so that you can go on and be his friend and we will work through the hurt of the ego. Remember you are the one looking to find out if the relationship has a chance to change? So it is his right as your friend to just stay your friend and does not mean he loves you any less just in a different way. But don’t let the outcomes stop you. You need to know and as a friend you have the right to express your thoughts and feelings as long as you don’t ask him his. You are just asking him as your friend how he thinks you should handle your feelings. That is perfectly natural and normal.
OK, Bridget try it and take a chance on a nice guy you might get a great Christmas the worst is you will still have a true friend, how bad can it be either way?
I think personally you have a chance.
If you do have a chance we will go over how to change over from friends to more If you need that I am not sure you will (smile).
Please write and tell me what happens and what you decide OK?
MaryAnne

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