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Abusive Relationship but still in love
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December 11, 2001, 10:00:02 PM
­ Dear MaryAnne,
I am a 22 yr. old female, in love and going crazy. I've been dealing with a 35 yr. old man for approximately a year and a half now, and our entire relationship has been filled with drama, broken promises, chaos, lack of trust, and lack of communication. We pursued this relationship very quickly. After a month of dating we moved in together, and after three months of living together I got pregnant. I now have a beautiful four month old baby boy. Both my son's father and myself are very afraid to leave the relationship but we both know in our minds that we should not be together (at least not right now). We have been physically, mentally, emotionally, and verbally abusive to one another since we moved in together, but we are still trying to hold on. We are numb to any pain or hurt that now comes into the relationship. I don't hate him and want to please him deeply, but I do find reasons to hate him when he says he doesn't want to be with me anymore. Although I love my child unconditionally I hate that I had a child with him. Our once a week arguments are now turning into every two or three day arguments. I'm truly afraid to loose him and see someone else please him the way that I know I can.He is very bitter because of our relationship and has a huge problem trusting me (it's justifiable), and in some areas of our relationship the feeling is mutual. I'm very confused, and scared. I don't know what to do. Should I put forth more effort to do what I can to reconnect us to one another, ex. showing that I can be trusted, respecting him, and supporting him, or should I just let it go. If I should help him to trust me, how do I? And if I should let go,, how do I? Please help me.

Signed,
Confused, Scared, and In Love

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December 11, 2001, 10:01:27 PM
#1
­ Nicole:

I am afraid that this relationship is too unhealthy for you to save it the way it is. No matter what the end may be at this point you must separate from each other just for everyone to be “safe,” especially your baby. Your baby comes first, you come second because you have to be healthy and mentally healthy to be a good mother and then your boyfriend has to help himself. Then after you both get help separately, you can look at whether you want to save the relationship and how to do that. Right now everyone has to separate to save themselves. I hope if you read your letter to me you can see that. We as women always feel it is our place to sacrifice ourselves and what we “know” to be what is best, for the sake of the family even if that family is sick to the point of dangerous and that is where your relationship is it is in the “danger” zone. You must get out with your child and get into therapy. You can go to therapy with your boyfriend also if you so choose but you must physically separate because of the abuse that is building and will continue to build in violence unless you do separate physically.
So, at this point, you need to sit down with your boyfriend after your next fight, when you are both in the “honeymoon phase” of the abuse, where you are both willing to try and do better, and you need to be adults about this for the sake of the child and your own welfare. I have been in this business a long time and I know the pattern of abuse. You and your boyfriend can not control or change the cycle at this point. It has gone too far and you really need to trust me and what I am telling you as this is really dangerous now. You need to call the women’s shelter in your town. They are great and they have not only a place for you to stay, but they have counselors, advisors, other women to help support you and they have people who can help you get yourself together and make your way back to thinking healthy to what is best for you and your child. Your boyfriend needs to face his truth also which is that he is an abuser and needs to get help also. Whether there is ever going to be a you and him in the future or not he needs to get help to work through his unhealthy and dangerous anger.
You two have been in this pathology so long that you actually are not sure that it is that bad. Otherwise you could not have asked the questions you did in your letter about what you need to do. If you were thinking straight you would know there are no choices that this is a very sick relationship that has crossed the line into the danger zone and that not only is your welfare at stake but that of your child’s welfare is at stake. That should never be in question. Your role of mother has to come first always and your role as mate is just way back there compared to where mother’s role comes.
You have all the signs of a battered women’s syndrome. Your defending him and being able to look at needing and wanting to please him. You afraid of loosing him and someone else doing what you could do for him, these are all very distorted ways of thinking when you can step back and look at what is going on from a “sane” place of not being a battered woman. But for you it is quite normal to feel this way that you should be there to please him and be what he needs you to be. No, Nicole, you are not at fault. No matter what you may have done you don’t need to make up for anything or prove anything, you need to get out and now. Please for your sake and the sake of your child call the women’s battered shelter and let them help you. They will not make you do anything you don’t want to and they are so supportive and loving at least you will not feel so scared and alone in this anymore. You need some support. I will be here for you and you can write me anytime and I will get right back with you, but I am not local and can not see you personally that is why you need the shelter to help and be there for you.
If you can’t do any of this, then just write me and lets work on what you are willing to work on. But once a relationship gets to this point there really is nothing that can help it but therapy and separation. Then after you both get better you can work at your relationship and getting back together. Doing these steps is not saying the relationship is over it is just saying that it can not get any better only much worse to the point that someone could not just get hurt but die in time, so with those being the options you have to get away from each other until you are both more healthy then you can decide about whether you want to have a relationship. I hope you can see this and who knows after you both get help you may be able to have a wonderful relationship that just couldn’t be until you both got healthy. But this way there is no hope, so if you want to have some choices in your keeping him or not keeping him you have to separate and get the help first.
Believe me from here on out this relationship is in such danger of hurting someone, you and/or the baby. Lets get everyone safe and help then you can figure it all out with the right kind of help.
I will help you in any way I can. If you can’t find the shelter I will find it for you.
If you need to talk call me. If you need someone write me. I am here for you and I will help you get through this, Nicole.
Let me know and please let me know what you decide and want to do.
MaryAnne

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Where you know you can come for Professional, personal, right on target advice, life skills, crisis intervention,ask questions, confide in guaranteed help. With all the traps, scams, perverts and sites out there that are very unsafe, this site is your safe place. I have been doing this for 10 years.