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Girl with Problem liking "bad boy" type that plays
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December 18, 2001, 09:55:59 AM
­ Dear MaryAnne,
I'm an 18 yr old female and I'm ashamed to say that I'm in love with the biggest player and flirt at my school. His name is Tony. When we first met a year ago he had a girlfriend - but I stupidly got involved regardless of this - and I got hurt because he didn't leave her. I guess I was naïve and insecure - I'd been hurt in the past and I needed to feel loved. I pretended that I didn't care. He thought I was only up for a bit of fun - but I wasn't. I fell in love with him, and I still am.
I never slept with him though. I have respect for myself thank god - I'd never do that with him unless it felt absolutely right. But I badly wanted to. That's all our relationship was - sexual attraction. I liked it that he begged me for it - and me not giving him the satisfaction. At our school, all the friendships are fake. Tony and I aren't proper friends - but you can say we were close.
He split with his girlfriend a yr later. But he didn't treat me any different. He would flirt with me, and then flirt with this girl called Michelle right in front of me. He snogged me, and then her, within a space of a week - but we didn't know that then. I don't even think she knows now. Michelle and I are worst enemies. She hasn't got a personality or many friends - she just has big ****. She's just as bad as he is - she's a flirt and a player too.
I told him how much it hurt me and that I wanted him to leave me alone. We could still be friends - but I didn't want him trying it on with me anymore. He said he really wants to have sex with me, but he doesn't want a relationship. Not with Michelle either. He apologised and stopped it.
A month later (yesterday) I saw Tony and Michelle snogging in the classroom in front of EVERYONE. I've heard they're a couple now. I'm jealous because she has him - and I don't. I'm upset because when I see them together, I wish it was me, and maybe it could've been? I miss all the attention he used to give me. Imagining them sleeping together makes me want to cry. My first reaction was 'How can he be so insensitive?' Was I right to react this way?
What I'm most afraid of is that he'll fall in love with her. He may become a new man because of her - I wanted to be the person to do that. I told him our friendship was over - and he said that he hasn't lead me on for ages so I should accept it. But he seemed upset that I didn't want to be friends.
I just can't accept it at all - and I feel so stupid about it. But I love him, and my feelings won't change over night. It's so difficult not to be naïve when you feel so deeply and strongly for a person. He still means the world to me.
How do I get over this - I'm already so insecure as it is. Was I right to end our friendship? It's weird because I know my friendship genuinely meant a lot to him - although it doesn't seem it! Friends don't treat each other the way he's treated me. So maybe I am kidding myself.
Do you think he could've ever loved me? I'm gutted that they're going to be so happy and I'm left on my own feeling worthless and pathetic. But does he know what love is?
I'm actually a great catch. I was nearly voted 'Best Babe' in our year, and I'm nice and popular - so why doesn't he want me?
Please help - I really want my questions answered. I'm so upset and I don't know where to begin to try and rebuild the confidence that I've lost through all of this.

Thank you

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December 18, 2001, 09:57:49 AM
#1
­ Hui-Shya:

I am so sorry you are putting yourself through all this torture. Especially because just by your letter I can tell you have a lot of “class” “dignity” and that you are well above Tony and deserve and will get much better if you just stay yourself. Then if you put looks on top of that, don’t belittle yourself now. You are 18 and so close to becoming who you are going to be. You have more self confidence than you are giving yourself credit for. You set what we call in therapy “a boundary” and that if very difficult especially when you love the guy and you have kept to it. That is very commendable because you cared about yourself and you protected yourself. That is very mature and exactly what you should have done. You did everything so perfect my dear, you need to let go of all the questions. You are well on your way to a great future don’t mess it up now.
First he won’t fall in love with Michelle. He is a loser I am sorry and he is only out for getting sex and adding it up because that is how he fills his “ego” needs since he is a loser in every other area. Don’t add yourself to his list you are above that.
He is not the falling in love kind believe me as a counselor I know boys now very well. He definitely has not self worth and those kind are too insecure to fall in love because what if they did and they failed to make the girl happy that would devastate him. He could never get over that kind of rejection but he can the sex because all guys can do it so he knows he can’t be a failure. He can be terrible in sex which he probably is because that type usually only looks for self gratification.
You would feel so cheated and so dirty if you went back and let him have sex with you. You just don’t know how bad that feeling can be and then he would have that satisfaction forever that he made you break for little ol him. That would really feed his ego.
I am sure he liked your friendship because he could have a little self esteem because you liked him but it still isn’t enough because what is missing in Tony you can't give him no one can but Tony. He would have to take risks to become a success and then he could build his confidence but he won’t he is too threatened. His behavior just what you have told me shows that he is scared to death of rejections and being a failure. So he is a player but what after high school? Those kind run out of being able to play “boy games” and when he has to be an adult what is he going to do then? He will have some no where job and go to bars and go from girl to girl with big “****” (smile). You are jealous of her. Sorry it is kinda funny that you are jealous with all that you have going for you. She is being used as a stop off for his penis and you are jealous and questioning whether you did right or not. See what I mean don’t even waste your time on such talk about yourself. You did perfect for a self confident, well put together and going to be successful woman. I am very impressed with you.
So stop OK? I know you will still hurt because you love him but you even have insight about that you know it will pass. Just keep being who you are and learn to trust yourself that is all you need to do. Just because you don’t get immediate results the way you want does not mean you will not get what you need and want when it is time. God does not work on our time table. So be patient and just keep growing and being a wonderful young woman.
Anyway he is not going to love her or is he going to change because of her. You are almost writing one of those “love books” with your imagination but they are not true and it doesn’t happen that way in real life. What it is, is what it is. He wants to add her to his list and she want to get at you like you are letting her. But in the end she is going to feel terrible and so used. He will not change and he will be back in a way when he is done with her. He will need to try and get you into bed that he has to keep going for. But not while he is doing her. He wants to keep his guaranteed “f”. Trust me about human nature and get on with your life. Work on getting over him because you are right he is a loser and why do you want him we all go through that “bad boy” stage. It is normal and you just have to go through it and just don’t sleep with them or marry them and you will weather it like the rest of us did.
I hope this alleviates all your fears that are not based in any truth. You will give over this and you will move on Michelle and Tony will not move on. Be glad you are you in this triangle.
If you need any further help or questions answered I am here for you,
MaryAnne

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* May 17, 2009, 07:46:35 PM
#2
Sometimes you have to learn to let boys go! If thatboy is a playa then you don't really need him. You gotta move on with life. You will always find somebody better than him. & if he cheated he must really not like  you. Playas really like ugly & loudbad girls. Idk why but that's them.

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