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girl friend trouble
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* March 01, 2005, 08:47:25 PM
­Ive never cheated on my girlfriend....just taken her for granted. Shes sees me for who I am and thats helped me overcome peer pressure. I go to bording school and was having a longdistance relationship with her. She was hurt by me because when I was in town she felt like I didn't want to see her....and I agree with her partially. I did want to see her but I had all these friends who wanted to see me and lived just down the street.....it was hard to balance time spent with my friends and time spent with her. She told me that I was one of the only things that made her happy but it was hard for her to open up when I was home and then close herself when I would leave. I truely do love her and she loves me to. But she is always hurt by my apparent neglect of her. She wants this to work out but its really hard for her. I think it has something to do with her parents being divorced because her dad cheated on her mom. She hates guy in general but saw something different in me. She thinks that its too painful for her to no be able to be with me physically all the time. We always have long conversations and it seemes that she wants to get back with me. But she doesn't think that shes emotionally ready. But then again she does....shes confused by her feelings and other guys telling her that its not right what im doing to her. But im not doing anything on purpose to hurt her....but I feel that somehow its all my fault. What do I do/say to her that can help us back on the right path? Is it normal for her to feel the way she feels and should I keep trying or give up? She really wants to get back together but cant take the stress that she thinks I put on her. Help.


March 02, 2005, 09:02:20 PM
­ Jack:

First I want to thank you for writing for some professional insight and from a woman good combination to give you feedback about your situation. I think you do care for this girl or you wouldn’t have written for help. This is an emotionally complicated situation. You are just 16 and have many more years to go away from home in fact you may never live back home again. In all your steps to adulthood you are going to be away, have other interests, friends and this is all normal and very healthy.
I think you are right. Your g/f is very insecure and not trusting. This pain is causing her to not be able to tolerate you away. She is having to protect herself because of what her father did. She really needs to work this out in counseling as it is going to affect all her male relationships. No matter how much you two love each other it is rare for you to marry a person you are in love with at 16. Too many things change in college and too much growing takes place in both of you as you reach 21. These are the real self growing years and you have no idea how you are going to turn out nor does she have any idea how she will turn out. You can make all the promises in the world but you can not change nature it happens without your permission so you just go with it. Enjoy what you have now and as long as it lasts that is the best you can go for. If she is not interested in getting into her fears because of what her father did then what you need to do is sit her down and have a long talk alone with no distractions. I would take her to the park or somewhere you two can be alone for as long as it takes. I would explain to her how you feel about her and that you love her and that she can trust you. I would tell her that you will be going to college next and she will be going to college. That there will probably be distance from now on but that if your love is real and strong it can be more fulfilling that if you were together 24/7 because when you are apart and then come back together you have so much to share with each other. It is good for two people to be different and be following their own path and then share and support the other on their road to adulthood and your professional dreams. I would try to make everything as positive as you can. Because I can tell you “ATTITUDE” is everything and we decide what our attitude is going to be. It doesn’t matter what happens out in the world or with anyone in our lives, it is how we decide to see it and handle it that counts. Explain all this to her and that you understand her fears and you are so sorry she had to experience the betrayal of her father but that was him and not all guys are like that. Hey look good example here. Paul McCartney of the Beatles, one of the most desired guys on the planet back when I was young, richest guy had girls all over him. He married Linda when he was only 22 and never went out on her. They never even slept apart the whole time they were married except 3 nights he was in jail for having pot. Otherwise she died a few years ago at age 57 and they never spent the night apart and he was faithful through all his fame and all those girls. So there are guys who can be rich and famous and still believe in faithfulness and love. What her father did needs to be kept with her father. Even if you and she do not make it she needs to give each guy a chance. We all get hurt and betrayed it is the nature of the beast. Remind her that women do it too in fact statistically it is equal among men and women. She has to work this out in her head and her heart because it happens and she has a whole life time ahead of her. She will regret pushing every guy away for what someone else did. She will end up a very unhappy, begrudging young woman who will miss out on all the good that is out there. She will miss the good guys that she could have enjoyed time with and being treated good by them. She will end up lonely and for no good reason. We all need someone.
As far as where you are now. You need to plan your trips home better. It is natural for her to feel and want you to come home and for you to want to spend every waking moment with her that is just normal. BUT, you should have time with life long friends too. So you need to work out a schedule where you see her as much as possible and where you have time to spend with your friends with her approval. Now how to get that I don’t even have the answer to other than say you come home for a weekend. I would already call her and tell her to book a reservation at a nice restaurant for Friday night. Spend Friday night with her alone get all the talking, catching up and loving caught up. Then when you take her home tell her that you are going to spend the day with your friends, give them Saturday or Sunday DAY. I think giving a “day time” away will be easier for her to take than an evening. Then tell her to be ready at 7pm and you will pick her up for Saturday night and be there at 7pm dressed nice. Then when you take her home remind her that you leave on Sunday and need to spend a little time with your family and then you want the rest of the time with her. This will make her feel special because she was the first you spent time with when you got there Friday evening and you made it a special only the two of you evening. The she was the last to have you before you left, Sunday afternoon, just spend it being together talking about plans for the next time and loving each other. This is what I would try. If this doesn’t work then let her pull away and do the breaking up because I can honestly say you have done all the right and loving things to give her the love and security she should need on your trips home. I would do the same with holidays, spring break, and of course the summer is a totally different arrangement, write if you need help with that one.
But first have the heart to heart talk and get her to see how she is only hurting herself by taking away any chance for the two of you to have a relationship because relationships are built on trust and give and take. Have the talk in person only though OK? Then in between visits are you emailing her on a daily bases? I would do that and once in a while text her, send her a card, little thoughtful things to let her know you are thinking about her and miss her. This will cover you and give her more of a feeling of security and she may back off a little more about the time away and you being with your friends. Also encourage her in emails without being pushy for her to get her own life by going out with her friends or making friends, getting a hobby that she can share with you, like taking up a sport you two can share when you come home. I hate it but golf always works, or tennis whatever. All people should have a life of their own with their own friends and things they do with these friends and a hobby. No one should be totally wrapped up in another person and expect that person to supply their needs. It is up to us to meet our own needs and “share” our needs with our lover but not expect them to fill them all. No one human can fill all of another person’s needs. You will drive yourself crazy trying and still fail because it can’t be done. So encourage her without it looking like you are pushing her out of your life.
OK, I hope all this helps because it is the healthy way to go about solving your problem. It is also a good description on how a well developed and healthy relationship “should” be like. So even if she doesn’t want to get back the information is important and you can use it on your next relationship. So copy this reply and keep it. Copy down the information about relationships and how to be in one, what is natural and normal and what is not. It will save you a lot of grief over guilt which you should not have and it will give you a good barometer as to whether you really are being cruel, lacking something or mistreating your mate or if what you are doing is the healthy way and they are just trying to induce guilt on you to control you. Check it out and see if you have been fair up to now and do what I wrote above and you should then let all guilt go.
Let me know what happens after the talk, if anything do have the talk that is for both of you to get this all straightened out and back on the same page with communication. Then it is up to her whether she is willing to risk and you will have your answer.
I look forward to hearing from you as to how she responds to the talk and what choices she makes. Also I would like to know how working out a schedule and have it in place before you come home for your next visit works out. I think it should work the best. There is no 100% unless you give up your life and your friends and I don’t think that is a healthy option or a good one for either of you. It won’t make the relationship work or last.
Good luck and do write back and let me know when you have understood the dynamics, the goals and the plans and what results come from implementing them, like I said even if she is too burnt from her father, they work for any healthy relationship so use them on your next one. But do let me know if you two get back together. Remember attitude is everything so keep it positive and looking good for the both of you.

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