LFA Café
Advice about Relationships => Problems about friends => Topic started by: sarah on December 25, 2004, 06:03:52 AM
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hey.
well i'm sarah and i'm 14 but i have a big problem, i'm really shy, but i find it only soo problematic when i'm around boys , that is if i like them..
umm...if i ever meet a guy i like i tend to 'ignore him'..if u get what i mean. i dont know if i blush but if i ever do look at him i think i have one of those hopeless, lost "what the hell" looks on my face and i dont have the courage to say hi... i stay away from him and try not to have anyting to do with him...
this sounds relly dumb but the only way for me to communicate is by email...msn more like it...because i feel as if i can talk to him first, get to know him and then...get closer.
it's happened before, i got an email of a guy before from my friend and we talked on the internet (and we never used to speak [ i really liked him ]) and now whenever we meet, i would speak to him ...well we would speak to each other...anyway that guy got a girlfriend and i was broken hearted and i dont want it to happen again, because this new one...well he's nice and funny and really sweet...
okay well..i have the email of this guy but i dont know what to say because he doesnt use msn, only emaail and i dont want him to know i asked a friend for it because that would make me look stupid..right now i only want to be his friend but it doesnt seem like it...i mean the way ive ben acting..i dont want to sound too desperate...just natural..
i really dont know what to do because it would be so wierd for me to go up to hiim and say hi because then i wouldnt know what else to say, and besides its not my character...and i dont want him to know that i like him...straight away...i want to go step by step...
umm...what else can i say? i dont want to put my hopes up too high but i think he may like me too but thats just a feeling...
ive also been having dreams about us...one was soo real...i had given him a note not kowing what it was [typical dream] and i got it back and i remember the first line of his note saying "i didnt know u felt this way about me because i felt the same but i was afraid that your heart was for someone else"...i remembered that and i had a wierd queesy feeling since...
ugh! i wish i wasnt so shy because i know so many things will pass me by and i wont be very happy...im quite confused right now and need help and advice..please help me ...anyone?? i just want to be his friend, but i like him so much its hard for me
thnx~ sarah
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Sarah:
I hope you can find it in your heart to understand that the holidays took everyone where they need and should be with their families so everything slowed down. I for one was with my family and cherish that I was blessed to have a family to be with. I know everyone else was doing the same and not ignoring you. We are all back now or at least I am and things will go back to normal in fact better than normal. We are growing so fast and are going to be going world wide broadcasting soon.
I hope you had a very loving holiday and that you were with those you love.
Now on to your problem. First people misinterpret the word “shy.” I would say from your description that you are “inhibited” when it comes to guys and more so when it comes to a guy you like. This is partly your age. I have had so many letters from girls and guys from 13-15 who have the exact same problem you do. In fact I hope some of them will write you. You are in an awkward stage where you haven’t learned the social skills yet, haven’t built up the self confidence in yourself and this causes you to question every little thing you say, do or think you show through your body language. The more we like someone the more we care what they think of us and the more self aware this makes us. So if you are busy evaluating yourself how you possibly be able to flirt, show the social skills that would attract a guy or even know where to start?? I think I am going to put up an audio on social skills in February teaching the social skills so that teens your age can learn them and at least get that pressure off yourself as you try to attract a guy that you want to get to know. I understand that you want to save the “friendship” first but if you only felt friendship you wouldn’t be so self conscious so therefore you are attracted to this guy more than a friend.
The whole “key” to solving this for you and every one else who feels the same way is to “stop focusing on yourself and how you come across.” The more we focus on ourselves the more we mess up. You have played the game where you try to walk on the line of the sidewalk as if it were a rope up in the air and if you can’t stay on the rope you will fall off. It is the same thing. If you focus looking down at the line and work so very hard at NOT falling you will surely fall. But if you just assume you can walk some stupid ol line and make it without falling off the line, you will do it without a hitch. I test this all the time so I know it is true.
What you do is focus on the other person always. Your job is to make them feel at ease and feel not threatened around you. The more comfortable and relaxed a person feels around you the “MORE” they want to be around you. You have seen these girls and guys that just seem to gravitate people around them, why? Because they make others feels good and we all like to feel good.
No matter how we feel they seem to make us feel good about ourselves.
Now if you are focused on other people your mind can not focus on two things at the same time so we give up focusing our energy on ourselves.
Try it. Get all dressed up and look really good. Go to school and be in an “up” mood and everyone you come across be friendly and compliment them make them feel good just being around you. You will see that they will want to be around you. Start with girls since it is easier with our own friends. Then do it around boy friends that we find easy to talk to. Then when you come across this guy just be up, smiling and make him feel relaxed and comfortable around you.
You have nothing to lose as you are getting no where now doing it the way you are. In fact you feel worse because you are coming down on yourself for something that isn’t a “fault” and is so easy to fix.
Think about all this and how people work inside their own minds. Remember he is just as nervous as you are and just as scared. That is another thing we forget and that is everyone is inhibited and feels self conscious. So if we are all feeling the same way what does it hurt to make the other person feel good about being around you???
Let me know what you think. Try it though I have never seen it fail. Now this will just get you the communication and the openness to start being friendly and becoming popular around girls and guys. Once you get this down then we have to teach you how to move to the next level where you flirt and get comfortable being you and not being self conscious. Flirting is fun. We can have a good time making that work for you. Again the bottom line is not up to you, if he is attracted to you it will come out with doing what I have written. If he doesn’t have it for you it wouldn’t matter what you did he can’t be or feel what he doesn’t. But let’s wait and see first if we can get you to overcome your fears and being so self focused to where you don’t even give yourself a chance with him.
OK, let me know what happens on your special day. If you have any questions write me and we will work them out. Set a date to be Ms. Bubbly and using your new social skills, then work towards that date and let me know when it is.
Let’s go for it like I say what do you have to lose and you have so much to gain if not with him with all the guys in your future and there will be plenty #61514;.
Again sorry about the delay in writing, but family needs and showing love comes first.
I will be waiting to hear from you,
Good luck,
Mary-Anne
HEY EVERYONE ANY OTHER SUGGESTIONS FOR SARAH PLEASE WRITE THEM IN SHE WANTS ALL THE HELP SHE CAN GET>
THANK YOU<
MA
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Thanx so much! ur a real help, i'll try what you told me...i hope i didnt sound too...inconsiderate or anything,.. i hope u had a great time with your family and those who love you.. i'm sorry..
belated merry xmas and happy new year!!!
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hi sarah, this is probably wayyy to late now, sorry, but I did try to send this email a while back but it wouldn't send. My name's Heather by the way (20 years old).
unfortunalty I know of the feeling of shyness only too well. Just like you I am very shy. I can come out of my shell sometimes, other times I am mess. But hey, it must be difficult for you, if you like this guy, play it cool, calm and collected. Take each day as it comes. Each day try and make a small goal for yourself to lead up to eventually talking to him face to face. One day you could write what your goals are going to be, secondly try just casually smiling at him. People say all the time, 'go up and say hi' as if the conversation will then flow naturally after, it doesn't, you're right. If you want to get to know him more, I can understand you wanting to email him for a while and not see him face to face, but he hasn't got msn, so you could still email him, he must have an email address? How about writing a letter to him, or a note, stating your email address clearly. If he likes you too, he will reply.
I know it's easier said than done, but try not to worry about 'being' nervous. Try to think 'this shyness is a curtain, that I am behind at the moment, but can easily have access to drawing them open'. I do understand though how hard and distressing it is, the constant frustration of seeing others running a head all the time. Everyone has their own fears and uncertaintys to face in life. Some get harder ones, easier ones, sad ones, frustrating ones, etc.
There is a site that may help with underfying shyness and assocaited problems. This is www.anxiety.com. It covers severe shyness, to generalized anxiety disorders. I use it quite a lot too. I am another human soul out there in the world, who is suffering from anxiety. Keep your head above the waters though, swim a few yards, to a few miles a day, depending on how you feel in yourself. Each step is a step closer to happiness and shy free days. Thinking of you Sarah, keep in touch. Opening up to your problem, you are half way there already! People here at this site care for you. It is a shame, as quite a few shy people get left out as the confident ones stroll on by. I think personally, society sucks with that. We have as much to give as any one else does. Keep strong. Be brave. Smile and think 'calm'. Have a positive affirmation, (a line or sentance that means a lot to you, or a quote or motto). Keep it with you always. It could be something like, 'I may feel shy.. but to hell if life will pass me by'. You'll be alright pet, take care, all the best, and I understand, I have been there and still there, but we must all fight together. I am another hand waving in the winds with you, and soon, hopefully, us shy people shall be seen. Love heather xxx