­thanks you soo much. and what you said "Until then he should tell you he is not free to be pursuing you and that he hopes you will be there when he has worked through breaking up with his g/f", we had a talk the other night, and said basiclaly that exact thing. I thought since i came out in the open and talked about me liking him and him flirting with me and everything that he would ignore me at school now. but he doesnt. eveything is the same. im happy for that. but he said, "your gorgeous, and a sweetheart, but im in a relationship right now, and im sorry if you felt like i lead you on, i do like you alot, but i cant jump out of it at the time being, well continue being friends for now until everything has worked out. I promise you that hun".

so you think hes being sincere? like a good guy?

­ Patricia:

First thank you for writing. I hope I can help and maybe some peers will have some suggestions. It always helps to get an outside and professional view when we are trying to work something out.
I want you to think about what I write and then make your decision as I believe that given the best perspective empowers you kids to be able to make your own good decisions as you should since you have to live with the consequences as we all do.
You obviously have it for this guy because you are not seeing him very clearly. You only have a problem if you decide to make it your problem. You are single and are attracted to a guy no problem there.
The problem is he is not single and is not being fair to either one of you.
You defend his actions saying he doesn’t like to see broken hearts. Well first if that were true he wouldn’t be flirting and pursuing you behind her back. He would do the honorable thing and go to her and tell her his feelings for her have changed. He is taking the cowards way out by getting the issue to be between her ad you instead of where it really is between her ad hi. You just came along when he was looking for her replacement. If it had not been you it would be someone else. I don’t mean this as a cut but if he were in love with his g/f you nor anyone cold penetrate and get him to do thie things he is doing with you. So he was ready willing and looking and there you were.
What I want you to look at here is human behavior. That is what I show you kids so you can stop fighting your wants and not rationalize someone so you don’t get taken off guard as much as you are.
Remember however he handles his breakup with this girl is how he is going to handle breaking up with you if he finds someone else he likes later on. Relationships are built on trust and he is not being trust worthy in how he is handling this. Think about it you have already said you do not want to be the cause of their breakup, which you can not be. If he loved her no one could break them up. You don’t want to sneak around with him. All this shows you are honorable and he is not living up to even your standards. How would you ever be able to trust him? He appears to be the kind of guy that does not want to be left without a girl. Instead of facing up to the truth which is that no matter what he can’t love her anymore or he would not be flirting and pursuing you and doing right by her and breaking up. Instead of doing what is mature and right by both of you, breaking up with her and taking his chances with you, he wants to make it so he is left out of it and makes life uncomfortable for her so she does the breaking up. If you really stop and look at that, it is the cowards way out because he doesn’t want to go through the grief. If he makes her miserable and keeps you on the side until she can not take it anymore then he can blame her and by then know that he has you so he is taking no risks, you and she are taking all the risks. I just don’t think that is the honorable thing to do nor is it fair to her and what they once had together. If he were straight up he would go to her, tell her how he feels take the grief as that is all part of being in a relationship, when it is over someone always gets hurt. Until then he should tell you he is not free to be pursuing you and that he hopes you will be there when he has worked through breaking up with his g/f. It is a risk he should be willing to take if he was looking out for anyone other than himself.
Can you see this?
So, you need to decide whether you are going to own his problem and jump in and help fix it for him or with him. Just remember the next girl will help him do it to you. This is a pattern for him because it works. It is cruel and hurts more people than doing what is right, being honest, taking the grief that comes with breaking up and doing right by the other person who at one time was the love he wanted and chose. He needs to be true to her until he is out of the relationship.
I hope you can see what I am saying and stand strong. Yes, you might lose him but if you go along with his way of hurting her in the long run you will get hurt much more when it is done to you.
Think this through ad decide whose problem it is. Don’t come from desperation. If he and you are meant to be he will rise to the occasion and do what it right. If he doesn’t I would hope with your standards you would not want that kind of guy anyway. This is a good test to see what his character is made of.
If you decide you want him to come through, then write me back and we will go over how to approach this and see what he does. He will either show how much he wants you and do the right thing by you and his g/f or he will just make excuses and never break up because she is “fragile” or he doesn’t want to hurt her, whatever but you will have your answer. We all get hurt and live through it as so would she. It would be something in him most likely that he was thinking he could have her and you on the side.
I hope you decide not to settle for less than you deserve and that he comes through for you and does right by his g/f.
Please let me know what you decide and what happens as I do care and would like to know how you see things.
I will look for your email,
Mary-Anne

i have a friend that I have met just this year in my first year of college. I am a female, he is a male. We clicked right away I could see it. He flirts with me all the time. Tells me things and just says things to me that he doesn't do to others. Thing is...he has a gf. There has been problems with this relatuionship, but hes the type of guy that feels bad for broken hearts and wants to end a relationship with a mutual decision. I like him very much. But have to intention for him to cheat, and dont want to be tha cause of the breakup. I have no idea what to do, I feel like an idiot, and ive lost myself in unhappiness again, even thought im happy all the time with him. I NEED HELP

­ Eleanor:

You are one smart cookie and you are going to be just fine. You have what it takes inside, you have great insight and maturity. You have a very very good way of putting your thoughts in control over your emotions. You are able to see the "big picture" and put it into perspective. Please really feel what I am saying to you as I don't give out compliments easily. But you really "get it" Eleanor. You just need the knowledge and nothing can stop you. SO I am glad I took the time to go into detail and try to give you that knowledge. You will take it and run with it as you grow into yourself. I would be so proud if you ended up actually making Eleanor into who she wants to be and to get to the point where she lives for herself and turns inward for the answers to her life because they are all there just waiting for each of us to tap into and ask. I want you to have love, marriage, children if you want them, a career but for the right reasons. It is so empowering and freeing to actually know and live through our inner being. It takes so much of the fears and insecurities away to know all the answers to our lives are within us. We just let our egos which are where our emotions live rule instead of getting that part of ourselves controlled and then listening to what you have already found Eleanor your inner voice. You couldn't write back what you did if you hadn't already tapped into your inner self. You have over half of what the key to life is all about. So you are way ahead of even most adults. You got the hard part done. Now it is just learning the skills and the laws that rule this life.
I am truly impressed with you and hope you pick a career that you can use your talent with. But I think your answer about the lie with b/f is so very sound, mature and so right on target. It is the past, it would do more harm than good to try and correct it, you couldn't correct it. You would just be doing a confessional and betraying yourself. In fact you have corrected it with how you have processed it. Because in the end it is ourselves we have to answer for, no one else. You have looked at it, see it for what it is, realized why you had to do what you did and put it into perspective not letting your insecurities and self doubt rule. It is what you had to do because of what he set you up for. No matter what happens if you break up or do make it for some years to come this will only serve as a growth step for you, as it should and will have no other consequences. Now you can lay it to rest and move on. So much will happen in your life you won't even think back on that one moment that he asked for, except with wisdom and maybe when you are guiding your own child if you have one. But how you processed that and came to your conclusion is so totally mature and right on target for seeing things for what they truly are and not responding to your emotions.
You make what I do such a reward. If I had only had someone like me when I was young I have always wondered how much better my life could have been and how far I could have gone. That is why I started this 7 years ago. I had the questions but couldn't find anyone with the skills to teach me how to find my answers for my life. People say young people do not have the ability to really grasp the knowledge I teach but over the last 7 years so many of you have shown me kids are easier to teach than adults because you don't have all the hangups yet and are more open to looking at yourselves. I find it much easier to teach young people than adults.
So know you have given me something back that I am honored for. I learn as I teach each and every time so I grow too.
Just know I am here if you ever want to learn more and hopefully my book will be out someday and you can have it to refer to. All of the skills to this life are in it.
But if you ever find that you have something you need, be it to just get validation, need more life skills to work something through or you just have a question write me. I will be more than glad to give you more life skills.
I am so glad you are going to work on not needing to please other people. It seems we women are much more consumed with what other people think than men are. It is a real problem and it keeps young women down because they are so consumed with what a "guy" or others think. Our standards are set more by our outside influences than our inner selves, guys are not that way. We will sacrific our whole selves for a guy, guys don't as a whole do that. I am glad you are going to work on pleasing and living up to Eleanor's beliefs and what she decides are the rules for her life. It will make you so much more confident, less able to be hurt and taken by a guy, more attractive, more at peace with yourself and sooo empowered that you will find there are no limits to what you can be and do except the ones you set on yourself.
Stay in touch Eleanor and again as long as I can keep this site up you always have someone to turn to if you need help.
You are an exceptional young lady don't stop now.
Thank you for coming into my life,
Mary-Anne

­ Eleanor:

OK good point sticking with this subject, again you are in with the rest of us. I know I have been in your situation and many many girls who write me write the same thing so let’s work this next step out and several issues surrounding why it is even an issue.
Now I don’t claim to have the answers that will make you get what you want back. See that is where we have to learn to think ahead and make decisions that we can live with the consequence down the line for OR change how we view something and stand up for it because no matter what there are “always” consequences. If we truly believe in what we stand for then when the consequences come if they turn out to be against us we are able to stand strong behind our decisions and it doesn’t devastate us. Sure it always hurts not to get what you want. But believe me through using this formula when I make a thought out decision and then someone comes back at me in a totally unexpected way that truly could mess me up, I able to take it and even walk away knowing I believe in what I said or did and tell myself “it is their problem not mine.” Because the truth of it Eleanor is this, throughout our lives people will react to us, sometimes in ways we never expected and that can really mess with our head and/or our feelings. I have done things with the most honorable intentions and have them backfire and someone or several people come down on me. It hurts but since I made my decision based on pre-thinking and validating myself so when this sort of thing occurs I am able to walk away from their misunderstanding what I did. I obviously have to think about what happened because their reaction was so unexpected. But when I do re-evaluate what the heck just happened, I can think clearly without my feelings being involved or doubting myself. I am able to realize that I have no idea what is really going on in the situation or with the person and give the problem to who it belongs to “them.” I can then go on with my life uninterrupted and not have all these doubts and bad feelings hanging on to me as I try to move on with my life. It works sooooooo much better and I don’t waste needless energy, I have much greater self esteem and self confidence. I think that is one of the biggest things I try to teach all of you, because even adults don’t think about consequences since it is human nature to “react” instead of “act.” If you “react” you are making decisions based on your emotions. If you “act” you are thinking something through and making decisions based on your thinking. Of course making decisions based on your thinking is a much healthier and wiser way to make decisions because we stop and think through the consequences before hand and know what our options are. Then we can “think” through what we want to say and do and are more prepared to take the consequences. If we just react and make decisions and act on them with our emotions we don’t even include consequences because our emotions say “I want what I want and that is all I can see.” This just doesn’t get it unless you are 4 years old and then you still get consequences #61514;. But none of us is perfect right? Soooooooo we have to take things from where they are and realize that we may pay for our lack of thinking things through before hand and that is where you are. You feel you now did something in the past you regret and you also lied to keep from losing what you thought you could lose if you told the truth.
First things first, you have to decide what your boundaries are. You need to ask yourself these questions. Does he have the right to even ask you about your past when he was not a reality in your life? If you believe he does then you have to decide how much he has the right to know. Then if he asks, you don’t have to lie you just say your belief and tell him as much as you think needs to be told. Think about it Eleanor, why is he even going there? As I said before none of us is pure once we start thinking much less once we become teenagers, that is unrealistic thinking. It is his ego that is at stake here otherwise there is no logical reason for him to know about your private past in several areas that are intimate that is why they are known as intimate. This is not a healthy realistic test for him to test your love from him or to judge who you are as a person. We are all more than a few actions we have made. He didn’t exist, only the other guy existed and you responded as you believed at the time which is all any of us can do and that was to share your love for him with some intimacy, “normal.”
Second, it is not realistic to think there is such a thing as a totally honest relationship.
Let me stop here and talk HONESTY. Many of you write and tell me that you have a problem surrounding the expectation that the only relationships that work are those where both people are “totally honest” with each other. First off even if you are asked you are not bound nor should you tell everything you think, feel, have done or believe, to anyone but yourself and your higher power. That is why what goes on inside of you is done in “silence” and then it is up to you what you divulge to someone else. Honesty kids is this, when you are confronted with a situation what ever you “decide” to disclose should always be the “TRUTH” as you believe it to be. Honesty does not mean to spill your guts to someone or rather anyone just because they ask. This is not even realistic and definitely not healthy. Honesty is also living what you say you believe. My life is my signature. What I do and say is exactly who and what I am. But I do not reveal everything about myself to anyone except to my God and myself. Those are the only two entities that I owe total discloser about Mary-Anne to because there is where my consequences will come and where I will have to pay for them in full at some point.
So please learn this I would not say it if it were not true. But to put the expectation on yourself or anyone else that to have a trusting and solid relationship you must tell whatever you are asked or confess whatever you have done to another equally fallible human being is just so unrealistic and not healthy. It will come back to haunt you. You do not ever really know someone else no matter what they say, you don’t know for sure if they are who and what they say they are and you will never know. Believe me people around the world are shocked many times to find out how little they did know about who their partner really was even after 25 years. You also never know who they will tell, if you do not spend the rest of your life with that person. You don’t know what they will do with the information and from experience I have found people will use your mistakes or faults against you as a weapon if and when they need to. So think about this and as always I give you the information and you decide what you do with it as you are the ones who have to live with what you decide.
If people were totally revealing about their lives to another no one would ever get together. We all have what is called in psychology a “dark side” and have done or will do things that we later are sorry we did but at the time we just didn’t think, or thought it was ok and then felt bad afterwards. That is all part of growing up. Even adults continue to respond to their dark side. I work with this in adults all the time. Part of what we teach is how to recognize your dark side, feel it, but not to act on it. Everything in life and everything about us has two sides so if you have a good side you must have a bad side it is just a common law of nature. If there is a front there is a back, light and dark, laughter, tears, life, death and so on. This is science and proven so we try to teach people if they see their good side then they must also become aware and make friends with their dark side and learn how to control it. I go ahead and try to teach you kids this so you won’t have to have as many regrets as adults as my generation and the generations before have. Anyway, I digress, but I wanted to explain this.
Back to b/f’s ego driven question, your private past, this makes me wonder if you will always have to live up to an unrealistic set of expectations if you decide to spend the rest of your life with him or someone like him. If so you will never become Eleanor as she was meant to be, because you are human and we are all under construction. You will make misjudgments, mistakes or just thoughtlessness and all of that is OK. The key is to learn from each one. It only becomes a problem if you become repetitive. If you don’t learn from your actions and keep repeating them. Then is when we have a problem and our lives become out of control and we need to get help or live a very miserable existence, which a lot of people do because they think there is no other choice.
Here is the real key Eleanor and anyone else who reads this so please listen up, all problems we continue to have in our lives come from “US” never from someone or something else. Now this may be hard to believe and you may be thinking oh no Mary-Anne, I can give you plenty of examples where the problem is someone else’s and I have to deal with it. Well I can prove that what I have written is beyond doubt. Eleanor’s situation is a perfect example. She is allowing her b/f to put conditions on her and his relationship and she is letting him define love for them in an unrealistic and unhealthy manner. He could not do this without her permission. She has to give him permission to let his reality and she has to let what he defines as love rule for him and for her. These are choices we make, no one can make us do, believe or say anything without our permission.
No matter what the “reality” of the situation is, Eleanor is letting her b/f’s words define to her what is right and wrong, good and bad and what may actually make or break their relationship. His words have absolutely no power or meaning unless Eleanor accepts her b/f’s definitions and conditions right? So who has the problem? He is fine because if she falls short of his definitions she could lose him and that won’t bother him because he is more interested in having his terms fulfilled than being in love with Eleanor as she is, accepting her and thinking she is great just as she is, no questions asked. But he couldn’t or he wouldn’t be asking her to fulfill any requirements, he would just love her. In fact that is why Eleanor felt she had to lie because she knows in the back of her mind she can lose this guy because he puts more value on his need to be “the only one” or why else would she feel that she had to lie?
Real love, healthy love is made up of two independent people who become “interdependent” meaning “sharing” themselves with the other and being validated through loving each other for who they are unconditionally.
I have covered many important aspects of healthy and unhealthy relationships. Probably more than Eleanor or any one wanted to know. But I feel it is important to give all of you as much empowerment over yourselves and your lives as I can. Empowerment comes from Knowledge. If you know and understand how things work you can then make your own decisions equipped with more knowledge than any average adult much less any teen.
Eleanor, I know I have probably haven’t given you the direct answer you want. I won’t do that because it would be my answer and that answer only works for my life. I have given you all the tools you need to make your decision for your life. I have given you much to think about, to decide about and then to decide what you do about this situation with your b/f. Not just the lie but the whole issue as it is so important for you to figure out what is best for Eleanor not what will keep your b/f happy and betray yourself. The person will sooner or later leave you anyway.
Think about and make your own morals, your own standards, your own “honor code” live by it and don’t betray it for anyone.
In a nutshell here are your options:
If you feel you need to address this issue with your b/f because it is such an issue to him and you decide you would rather compromise yourself than lose him let me tell you because of his expectation and what you have done either way he may leave you. If you confess about lying he may think more happened or why did you lie to begin with. It may break his trust in you because you lied. If you tell him what you did with your previous b/f he may decide you are not pure enough for his standards.
The last option, which you still could lose him, is that you do not confess to lying and “IF” he ever brings it up again and directly asks you, you tell him you have already answered that question and you don’t understand why it keeps being an issue and that bothers you. Put it back on him and say it makes you wonder if he sees and loves you as the person you are or if he is trying to make you live up to an illusion. Give him something to think about tell him that you want someone who sees and loves you for you as you are without bringing unfounded doubts in for you to disprove and that you do not want to have to compete with an image. You want someone who loves you for who you are unconditionally as you love him. Put it back on him.
I hope this letter helps a lot of you find some answers to your relationships and self issues. I felt it was important to address these issues as I get so many letters from “girls” who are going through one or more of these as Eleanor is. So I thought I would take the forum to address them and I wanted to word it so correctly and empower you with the knowledge that can really change your life in so many ways.
Eleanor, let me know what you decide to do as I care or I wouldn’t invest all this time and hours of thinking and writing of my own free will if I didn’t care.
In return I ask each of you to let me know what you decide.
You are my reward for what I do.
Mary-Anne