Hi Eleanor:
Sorry it took me a few days to get back with you. It seems world wide when school gets ready to start all breaks lose and I get flooded. I try to give as much time as it takes to each person that writes so that I can be there totally for each of you. So patience is needed but I think giving you less than my best isn't worth it I hope you understand.
OK, now, unfortunately your guilt is not new. I get more letters than I would like to see from girls having the same experience as you. I don't get this from guys. Why is it that girls put so much more pressure on themselves to live up to a male's standards? We also fall way behind guys in forgiving ourselves. I have found girls to be so much harder on themselves than guys. I am bringing this up because I don't feel you have anything to feel dirty or guilty about. At the time you were with the other guy your feelings for him were honest and you truly cared for him and thought he was the one. I mean you were not brought up in a cave you had a life before your current b/f and guys need to get use to the idea that girls have lives before and after them. To expect you to be pure as the white driven snow is a little unrealistic don't you think? What happens if you break up with this guy and let's say you stay single until you are 25. Are you supposed to have never had a b/f or an intimate relationship if you so choose? Then you meet someone you want to be special with and he says he wants a girl who has never been with someone. Are you the one who is being unrealistic or is the guy? Just because you happen to be his first everything, what happens if you and he don't make it? Then he goes to his next g/f does he change his expectations because he is no longer a "bonafide" virgin or does he still expect it from the girl but not from himself? Does he lie about his past so he can meet his ego need to be "the only one" who has been with his current g/f? These are questions I am posing to any of you who let guys pressure you into sex and guys who make you feel less than equal to their expectations by wanting you to never have had a relationship before them?
You will drive yourself crazy because how do you ever know when it is "the one" and it is ok to give in. This seems to be a real problem that I see growing in your generation just among girls. Why is it that it is the girl who takes the reputation for either saying yes too soon or saying no and loses the guy and then feels guilty about it. If you lose someone because of your past then is that real love?
I would like to see girls set their own standards and decide before they get in to deep with any guy just what the consequences are going to be and decide if you can live with them for the rest of your life. Girls are way too confused today and are not making wise decisions about their bodies because they want to please the guy. Then they lose the guy either because they didn't give in or because they did and then the next guy expects the same thing one way or the other. How do you know when it is the right time and the right guy???
OK, let's look at this since I am seeing it over and over. I am going to write about it in Mar-Anne's Monologe because it is a very real and messing up way too many girls to not address.
For here and your letter though, let's look at it. You didn't go all the way. That makes you a virgin so why do you feel so guilty and dirty?? Again you really will never know what your b/f has really done before you. It is all a matter of trust. So why do you feel the need to purge yourself of what you did before you even knew this guy? You were being true to yourself and that is what is important. Now if you feel guilty that is between you and you. You need to learn from the past and not make the same mistake with this guy. You don’t know that he is going to be Mr. Forever. I have been in this business way too long to ever believe that people are exactly what they proclaim. It is more what they wish they were on some level or what they want from another to fill their needs and expectations. But you need to sit down with yourself and decide what your values and morals are no matter who you are with and live by them. Then you can avoid what you are going through again. If you get quiet with yourself and reach deep into your heart you will find out what you really believe to be right and wrong for you as far as sex, what you can live with and be true to, face yourself every morning with and live with the consequences to your actions. Then you never have to feel guilty or lie or make excuses for yourself. You are living according to your beliefs and that is as honorable and true to yourself as you can get. We don't do this and everyone should before they do anything that has negative consequences or anything that you could not do in front of the whole world without feeling bad. Anything that comes in these categories we really need to sit ourselves down and make peace with ourselves so that we can always lives with ourselves with honor and dignity and face whatever comes our way without guilt or regret. If you decide the most important values for yourself and not base them on what anyone else is going to think then you can stand up in front of God and everyone with your own identity and not apologize or feel guilt. If you do this and you are clear with yourself on where you stand on important issues about yourself then you are never put in a situation that can take you down or make you compromise yourself and later regret.
Doing this can save a lifetime of heartaches, mistakes, losses and big major mistakes that could really cost you personally and professionally. This is what I did and do. What you see is what you get. My life is an open book and I stand behind it. If I make a mistake I go to my God and ask for forgiveness. If I hurt someone else by my “direct” actions I go to them if possible and ask for their forgiveness. If my actions don't please someone else that is their problem not mine. I went nuts like you are with trying to please every guy I dated or every girlfriend who we would get into it over something until I decided I could not be all things to all people. But at least if I were what I expected and honored I was at least pleased. It works. Think about it Eleanor. You are torturing yourself for something that is private between you and the guy you were with at the time. If you feel it was wrong forgive yourself and move on and learn from it. But you never have to confess your past to anyone but yourself and what ever you believe in spiritually. You do not owe this to anyone that was not involved at the time. It serves no beneficial purpose. Ask yourself what good would it do, what purpose would it serve and who is he to be your confessor? You truly need to get one with yourself and if you make peace with her then you can let your past go and start from today living the way you believe. As I say if you feel it was a mistake, learn from it, forgive yourself and move on. That is what life’s lessons are about not to be what is impossible for anyone to be “without mistakes” or “misdirection.” This is your lesson take it and learn from it but you don’t owe your new b/f or anyone else to confess your life in any way if it does not directly concern them or affect them in a harmful way.
Just think about it before you go confessing something that is a perspective and someone else’s expectations of you. When they become perfect then they can start setting the standards for someone else and that day will never come.
Choose wisely this time as you will have consequences and make sure you can live with them. This is what taking the high road is all about in growing up.
Hope this helps, let me know what you think,
Mary-Anne
Recent Posts
.