Jose:
I am sorry you are hurting. I want you to know that. We write to get help from each other so we can understand what to each of us we define as “not understandable.” So I want you to know that I am on the outside looking in at both you and your g/f. I am only getting your reality of the situation and that is all I have anything to base what I am going to write on OK?
Let me first give you a little insight into human nature that might help especially with girls.
Whenever someone is coming from “emotions” they are not able to have a rational conversation, anyone. So it is better to learn that and not try to make someone become rational when they are not. If you push, just like an animal that is backed into a corner the animal is going to come out fighting. It is called fight or flight. It comes from our adrenalin response which is triggered by our emotional reactions we get from “fear”. I am sure you have felt it yourself. We all feel it.
So when you went over to your g/f’s house and you saw that she was in an emotional state or if you ever confront someone in an emotional state where they are not wanting to be calmed down you don’t pursue them. I have worked in very dangerous situations in Psychiatric hospitals and know from experience that if I have someone who is irrational and not thinking with their brain but are “reacting” with their emotions I do not approach that person. The more you corner them the more violent they become. This is a purely natural response and is very beneficial when we are being attacked. Or in this case your g/f’s “perception” was that she was being attacked. You should have backed up, do not turn your back on the person and gotten out of there, left her alone until she calmed down and maybe the next day called her and asked her permission to come and have a calm and rational talk with her. Or send her an email the next day to test the waters.
Obviously she was terribly upset over something. If it was purely over you raising your voice, which is hard to believe that she could get that worked up after the fact but hey that is human nature “unpredictable.” Anyway the more you pushed yourself on her the more threatening you became to her and accelerated her to a hysterical state where she just started lashing out. This was “fear” it doesn’t have to be real fear but it is real because the person “perceives” it as real. Do you see what I mean?
So the more you kept pushing yourself on her trying to “make” her become rational the more irrational she became. This again is natural human reaction. If a person is so worked up they are not thinking straight for whatever reason they are coming from some perceived sense of “fear.” Once a person loses their sense of safety and control over their environment they go into fight or flight because our first natural law of survival is “safety” right? We all have this built into us. If we are jeopardized for whatever reason and feel our safety and control over ourselves by another person touching us, holding us, keeping us from getting away from them, we are going to attack. This again is especially true with females because of rape and our being not as strong as males are.
Now remember none of this has to be “reality” but only “perceived” reality to the person who is under duress.
You truly are lucky worse did not happen just because you would not leave her house where she should feel she is safe and has control over what can happen to her in her own home.
Then you proceed to actually unlock a door that she is behind “for safety” and push your way in. This is a terrible fear inducer to anyone.
Think about it if it were you and a man even your father came at you and you “perceived” a threat from him or you were so upset you just wanted to be left alone and he kept coming at you and coming at you. You would start to emotionally escalate and your adrenalin would start pumping and you would push harder to get your space wouldn’t you? Then you try to get away from him and lock yourself in your room and he unlocks the door against your will and comes in and comes towards you. Again, fight or flight takes over. She could not get away from you so she went into “fight” for protection. Now remember this is her perception it doesn’t have to be based on what is truly behind your actions. She is unable to even think that far. She just knows you are coming at her over and over and over. She is screaming leave, don’t touch me. Showing you with her actions she wanted you to leave her alone.
When you forced your way into the bathroom you said “that is when she screamed the loudest.” Now that is again natural response. If you keep telling, yelling, lashing out, hitting at a person to leave you alone and they just keep coming at you, you don’t feel you are being heard. So our natural response is to become louder and more animated in our reactions because obviously we feel the person is not “getting what we are screaming and fighting for.” Right???
Jose, what made you feel you could not just cool it and respect her requests at that time? Could you not hear her requests? Did you not understand the violent attacks were to get you away from her?
What would have been wrong with just leaving and not forcing what you wanted in the situation upon her at that exact time?
Do you see what I am getting at?
Then you go on to say that she even told you before that she didn’t want to have anything to do with you. You say that you know the reason why but maybe that wasn’t the reason but your “perception” of why you think she would say she didn’t want to see you anymore?
Now she is feeling totally out of control and frightened because you have taken her control away in her own home. She asks her brother for the phone and you actually stop him. Do you know how threatening that can feel to someone even if they know you???
I mean I am married if I “lost it” and was hysterical and my husband cornered me and forced himself at me I could become frightened. Then if I went for MY PHONE and he took the phone away from me so I couldn’t call out for help. Well that could really send me over if I were in a state of hysterics. I would wonder if I knew this man and what was he going to do. I mean people do things right? We all read about them or see them play out on the news so it isn’t like our imaginations can’t go to fearful places when someone comes at us and won’t let us have any control over our own selves or our domain.
The more you pushed your way on her the more fearful she became. If you step back can you see how this could happen?
No matter what you know, remember the other person doesn’t “know” because they are not you just like you are not them. We all need to have our boundaries so that we can feel some sense of control over ourselves and our close environment.
Everyone who reads this please try to understand this very important scenario between Jose and his g/f. Try to put yourself in both of their positions and see how this played out.
Again it is lucky something very bad did not happen with this kind of situation because it can without it being anyone’s fault.
• If someone is out of control, get away from them. You can not get through to them at that time. Just like an animal they are going to come out fighting.
• You can not accomplish anything with a person who is in a distraught, emotional state and not thinking. They can become very violent and somebody can really get hurt or worse.
• You can not reason with someone who is being unreasonable so let it be and get away until the person regains their sanity.
• If nothing can be positively gained then there is absolutely no reason to go on with anything at anytime.
If you learn these basic human rules they sure can save you from emotional and physical harm to you or the other person.
This is how bar fights or gang rapes happen or worse.
There are very good lessons here to learn from Jose’s experience.
• Do not ever approach or try to control an animal or person who is out of control, back up and get away from them, give them space and you get away.
• Do not ever force your will on another person. We all have the right to say “no” and have that “no” respected.
If you do continue to try to force your will on another person they are going to go into the natural state of “fear” and their adrenalin is going to kick in and they are no longer thinking rationally. They are only thinking of survival at any cost.
Luckily the cost was not so great in Jose’s situation but it was just by pure luck.
We all have our own sense of reality and we all react to that no matter what the other person’s reality is.
Jose, you can learn from this that no matter whether you agree with a girl or not if she says “go away” or “no don’t touch me” you need to respect that and stop.
Obviously she did not nor did her mother call the cops so she wasn’t out to “get you” into trouble or they would have pursued the police the next day.
If I were you I would leave her alone. After her violent reaction if she wants to talk to you or see you again she will contact you.
No matter what you want the other person has the right not to want the same thing and that right must be respected.
If you have not heard from her in a month then actions speak louder than words. I would say she doesn’t want to hear from you.
You could write her an apology email and tell her you understand that she was afraid and let her know that your intentions were to talk to her but that you just didn’t know how to go about it. But I sure would wait a while.
As I say if she was just hysterical and does really care about you she will contact you. But I wouldn’t push my luck at this point because of the situation as it unfolded and be so thankful nothing worse happened at the time to either one of you or her brother.
I am sorry things played out like they did but they did and now you need to just let things settle and think about what happened and how fearful a girl can become when she is being forced in any way against her will.
Don’t get me wrong a guy will react the same way too, that is why I say never force yourself on anyone at any time but especially if they are out of control.
I hope this helps you understand what played out that night and why it played out like it did.
I hope it was just a situation gone bad and that she was just feeling threatened and reacting naturally and that she does get over it, because you care for her. But you definitely need to let the next move be hers.
Let us know what happens if anything OK?
I am glad you wrote and I am again sorry that this happened to both of you.
Mary-Anne
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