LFA Café
Advice about Relationships => Problems about friends => Topic started by: carlin2015 on May 17, 2015, 05:14:16 PM
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I have suffered from Agoraphobia for about ten years. For eight years I could'nt leave the house. All this through harrashment, my house getting attacked and myself everytime I would go out. I lost alot of teeth through the attacks and eventually had to get them all out. We managed to move about 4 years ago and have had no trouble since. Whats getting to me atm is my sister introduced me to a woman she knew and just under 2 years ago. Her and my sister helped me to start getting out again. Eventually I really fell for her and she became my best friend only to friendzone me after knowing her for around 6 months. She told me she was not interested in a relationship with anyone atm but within a week got with a man 15 yrs older than her.
We remained friends even tho I had a breakdown over her. I became an alcoholic for nealy a year but she would still come to check on me. She kept splitting up with her fella about 6 times in one year but kept getting back with him say to me to just concentrate on being friends which I done.
Around last Septemebr she split with him again but he kicked her out this time as she found him with another womana and smashed his car up. The police made her stay at her mums. She told me she could'nt come to see me cos I lived the next street from her ex and she did'nt want to tempted knocking at his and getting back with him. She got back with him after a few week but then told me she could'nt see me cos she was back with him.
I decided to forget about her and concentrate on myself so stopped drinking, smoking weed and tobacco. Started weight trainging and fitness and bought new clothes. When my sister had her little boy in December I posted a picture of me and her son. My friend got back to me and invited me her mums because I had not seen her for a few months. She told me she was single had dated someone the night before but was not interested in him. I did'nt ask her out but after a few hints I did and had a great night planned for us (This being the first time she agreed to go anywhere with me in public).
She stands me up and I don't hear from her for a few weeks so I plucked up the courage to phone her (I have a phobia of phones), were I found out one of her little sisters had just died. So I comfort and support her on the phone for over a week. She tells me her head is messed up and she keeps coming to knock for me but stand outside my house for a while without knocking. Eventually she comes over to see me where I find out she got back with her ex again. She mentioned she has felt a bit awkward coming to see me cos of how I feel about her, also that if I do message her she won't ignore me. That was six weeks ago and she has ignored my messages even tho they have been seen she won't write back. I took her off facebook for a bit but she won't accept my friend request. I don't get why she is being this way.
Its really getting to me because I don't really have any friends. She also knew I considered her my best friends. This has been making me feel rejected, lonely and suicidal. When I do go to my one friends who lives round the corner I have to walk past the last place I seen her and can see her fellas flat, it sucks. I feel I've got no one to talk to and wonder if there is any point trying to make new friends as I've lost my best friend just because I liked her too much :( But if anyone wants to add me they can do, I need all the friends I can get atm and hope these suicidal thought go away. I just don't know what to do and its cracking me up :( Help and advice would be greatly appreciated (Y)
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Forgot to say. I am 34 just about to turn 35 in August. I live in the uk. I have been seeing psychiatrist and the best mental health team in the Northwest UK but their not helping they just made things worse. I am also taking chlorpromazine. I also live with my dad but only see him a few hours a day if am lucky.
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Hi Carlin:
I read and re-read your post. First let's address your psychiatric issues, meaning your correct in obviously the visits and the medication they have you on are not working. I can't diagnose or treat it goes beyond my boundaries as a Professional Counselor, adviser, and life skills teacher. But because of your suicidal thoughts and behavioral problems and phobias, obviously you are not getting the correct treatment. You need to be re-assessed and your medication definitely is not working so you need to be put on new medications until you work through your issues. I don't ever like to see anyone on medications long term unless an issue can not be solved but I think a lot of yours are behavioral and can be changed. The meds. would be just to support you until you worked through your Behavioral issues are worked through.
As far as your present questions first you need to not look at this girl from your wants but from her actions and they are clearly that she is not interested in you in really any way and has plenty of problems of her own from what you have written. The last thing you need is someone who is messed up in the head. From what you write she just uses you when she is "without" someone and you are what is called a "filler" until someone or something better comes along. Quit letting her jerk your chain. You were doing really well, changing yourself for yourself stopping all the negative things, and doing the positive things to help yourself working out is great you need to stick with that, eat right, take care of yourself. Find hobbies, a great one to meet people is The Sierra Club. I am pretty sure they have them in England too. Look it up on google. But now is a great time being Spring because they go out and do really fun things for weekends, healthy out doors stuff and it is both men and women so it is also a great way to meet friends and also someone you might find wants to do things with you.
You are 34, do you work? Do you have a career? You need to get out and join things to meet people. It is not so good to meet someone in a bar or even on the Internet. There are many ways to meet someone, but you need to first start with making friends and then friends lead you to more friends and then they lead you to meeting women. It is always better to meet someone through someone you already know. Just know this too, it is not a proven fact but I have it to be true in my 30 years working with people. You really can't be "just" friends with someone of the opposite sex one always has it for the other and the one that doesn't never will. So either way it is a lost cause. Also women especially as friends drop people when they meet a man. Guys aren't as likely to do that but wow women are.
Anyway write back about what you are going to do about your psychiatric issues please because they clearly are not working.
Also about what you do with your time and being 34 if you have a career and what kinds of hobbies you like and could clearly take up to meet people.
Also a plan where to go from here, with your issues, how to meet people, how to make friends. Come up with a plan after you research The Sierra Club, other clubs or groups you could join that do things you enjoy too. I want you to come up with a concrete plan and then get back with me.
I want you to leave with a new Medical Plan, self health program and goals for your life in the present, and how you are going to meet people to make friends and meet women OK???
OK, I look forward to hearing back from you after you have done your homework and made your present life plan that I have spelled out for you.
I am here so forget the suicidal ideation, being the victim and help me help you and that means doing your homework and making concrete plans and making your life work for you. IT is what we all have to do and stop being dependent. You understand I am not coming down on you I am trying to "man u up" and get you to fight for yourself and what you want in life and I am here to guide you on how to get it. But you have to do the work. You have done the first step reaching out to a professional and realizing what you got going isn't working.
So change it I am helping you with how to change it.
OK, write when you have your plan designed and written down. Put a copy on your mirror step by step what you need to do. Make a daily plan on what you need to do, step by step, a daily plan I call it. I have one myself, from what time I get up, what I have to do each step of the way for each and every day, and I put in pencil things I have to do for just that day, like make phone calls, make appts. or go to appts. etc. and I erase those each night as I evaluate how well I did follow my schedule that day and then I reflect on how well I did and I give myself Kudo's and just sit for a minute and feel the success of that day. I live one day at a time. I have a plan for one year and a 5 year plan but my focus and daily schedule plan is to make that day count but also lead to my one year plan and my five year plan. You see what I mean????
Ok if you need any help we will go over that after you have done your assignments in this post.
Good luck and will be looking to hear back from you when you have it all done.
Mary-Anne
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I hope you're feeling better Carlin.
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I a sorry did you recently post this problem or was it back in 2010??
I feel awful if you just posted it and I did not get it. I would have responded immediately.
And about my not feeling well I am getting better each day thank you for asking.
But I am well enough to respond to anyone who writes either on this forum or at Lookingforadvice.org
It is just so infrequent anyone uses the forum anymore. I hope to get it updated and advertising to get people to use the forum again.
It use to be very active. Then webmaster changed the format and I am sorry he did that.
Anyway let me know about your last post as far as your best friend ignoring I will be glad you answer on here or email.
Let me know please and I will get back with you AS soon as I can.
Thank you for writing,
Mary-Anne