­My girlfriend and i just broke up - well i broke up w/ her because i was mad. the reason i was mad was because in the past few months she has been spending more time w/ her friends than w/ me . the thing i dont understand is she just all of a sudden flipped. well she just turned 21 and im still 20 and now she likes to go to bars w/ her girlfriends everyweek. i wouldnt mind if it was sometime like maybe to catch up w/ her friends but every thurday night ( which happens to be college night ). anyways we have been together for 2years and 4 months. at first when i broke up w/ her i was like i want to leave it like that, but when im alone and i think about her i want to get back. we have broken up in the past and we get right back together but this time she doesnt want too. i ve tryed talking to her but she says she just wants time alone. i cant have that because im the type of person that if we are broken up for good then i dont ever want to see her,talk to her, or have any kind of relation w/ her - because she doesnt want to be w/ me because of her friends. we broke up 2 days ago and i talked to her yesterday and she said she would talk to me today. she loves me and i love her and i told her i am willing to change but she doesnt . please help me out anyone - i really want her back ...... thanks

­ Will:

First I know you hurt and I am sorry. That is a long time to be together and then just nothing. You left a lot out so I am going to have to punt and do the best I can with the info you gave. Like it would help to know the other times you broke up how long did you stay apart and who made the first move to get back? Did she act and talk like this with the other breakups? How do you know she still loves you? Did she say so yesterday? It seems just from what you wrote she wants to play the field and enjoy being single especially now that she can legally go out with her friends and do the bar scene. I think there is only one answer and that is after all this time together she owes you a sit down talk. I would call her and ask her to meet you or see you at her house. Then ask her for it straight and to quit playing games with you. Ask her what she feels and exactly what she wants. IF she says she doesn’t know then you have your answer. After all this time she knows whether she loves you or not and if she loves you she will want to do everything she can to save the relationship. It has to be a two way deal she has to work at the relationship also. It can’t be all you. If you do all the work she will use you and lose respect for you and you will lose her anyway but you will have worked yourself into going crazy with no better results than you have now. Sooooo, straight talk is what you need. If you both love each other truly well then you will both do whatever it takes to work things out. If you don’t come to that conclusion then somebody doesn’t feel the same yet is unwilling to tell the truth. You owe it to each other and your relationship to get to the truth after all this time. But it must be face to face and heart to heart. You have to keep your cool and listen to her but expect straight answers. Just remember if you ask for the truth you have to be able to take the truth and not react negatively. That is not fair. We often say we can take the truth yet when it isn’t what we want we punish the person for telling us and all that does is teaches people it never pays to be honest so they just close off more. If someone feels a certain way whether they express it verbally to you or not they still feel that way. They will act on their feelings so you might as well hear it so you know where you stand. You will have to be man enough to take it and respect how she feels. If just turning 21 and wanting to spend all her time with her friends well that seems obvious that her friends come firs. That should never be the case. Yes, you both should have your own lives, spend time with your friends but never at the expense of the relationship. But the most important part that seems to be missing is the honesty, respect and open communication that should be there after all this time. So Will, call her and make arrangements to talk and find out what the story is and no games. After she tells you what she wants. If she cares to hear what you want, then of course have a list you make up the night before telling her what you would like to happen and why you blew up with her the other night, explain your feelings to her and ask her if there is any hope. If she says maybe someday, or whatever ask her what it would take. Then you must think about whether you are willing to risk doing what she wants, waiting or even believing that she will ever come back and then make up your mind as to what you should do.
After all this time she owes you this heart to heart talk so go for it and find out what is what.
Write and let me know what happened and where things end up as I would like to know. If you are left confused after the talk maybe I can help you figure things out for you so you can at least make your decision and work through your feelings.
Sorry it took a few days to answer things have been very busy and I do this alone so I have to take the letters in order. When you write back I will be caught up and able to answer in a day or two at the most.
Let me know what the outcome is as I care and will be hoping for the best for you,
MaryAnne

­Thank you for the reply. Well since the last time I wrote, my girlfriend and I got back together, but it was a close one. She was upset w/ me because over the past 2 years I really havent been the best boyfriend a girl like her deserves. I always neglected everything she wanted to do and everything she had to say. So she found out that her girlfriends don't do that to her and they make her happy. She wanted to be happy and I wasnt making her happy. I apologized 5,947,988,543,985,375,798 times (j/k) and told her I am going to change and to please give me another chance - so that night she told me she would sleep on it. The next morning she had some good news and it was for us to stay together. We have been happy ever since then and I hope to GOD that it will stay like this forever because I have so much live for her... Once again Thank you for your reply

Will

­ Will:

I am glad you and your girlfriend are going to try and work things out. But since this seems to be an ongoing issue I thought I would write some advice that could help prevent future breakups for the same reasons. Men and women are “different” in the way they communicate as we all have heard from the book “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus.” Communication is the most important part of any relationship which includes those with ourselves, our own sex and the opposite sex. Women it has been proven do have a “six sense” and are much more intuitive. They also have a great need to “process” their thoughts and feelings. Where men are “fix it” type of communicators. When men are told anything they believe that the goal is to “fix it” and that takes care of it. They have a hard time understanding that when women talk that they are just wanting to be listened to and let them go over something as many times as they feel they need to or to just discuss something or to just share whatever they are thinking or feeling. They are not looking for solutions to fix anything. This is the widest gap between the communication problems with men and women. As a man it is important that you learn that ALL women just want you to listen attentively and to give them “ideas” “feelings” “insight” or maybe just listen quietly without any input. The best way to know what to do with a woman when it comes to communicating is to ask her what she is wanting from you. But don’t go to the “fix it” step automatically and this is something men have built in to them. We need both ways of communicating neither is right or wrong it is just being able to know what the other person is in need of when they reach out to communicate. The definition of communicating is not only for someone to say something but for the person they are talking to, to “hear” and “understand” what the other person is saying and understanding what it is that the person talking is trying to get from the listener. So communication is very much a two way on the same page interaction.
Now, in a love relationship like you are in there is absolutely nothing wrong in fact it is very healthy for both you and your g/f to have same sex friends and to spend time with them. I mean she can’t talk to you about you or her feelings about you just as you can’t talk to her about her and your feelings about her. You both need to be able to spend time with friends. This will help your relationship, bring new and ever evolving growth to your relationship. If it is just you two together all the time you will go nuts causing problems, fights because you are spending too much time together and getting on each other’s nerves. You need the outside to keep both of you growing as people and as a couple. No one can be all things to anyone and there is nothing wrong with this as we all need a variety of influences in our lives to help us grow into well rounded and knowledgeable adults. So let each other breathe and bring newness into the relationship.
Another problem I see that you have in your relationship is that you and your g/f do not seem to communicate well between the two of you when things are not going well. I am not sure if you just go along and don’t talk things out on an ongoing bases and then something builds up in one or both of you and then there is a breakdown. Then when there is a breakdown since you have not been talking along the way you break up. Or maybe you two just go along letting the relationship get stale and don’t spend time talking as a regular part of your relationship. But sharing and talking about everyday things and feelings should be an ongoing part of your relationship. This is probably the most important part of any relationship so that the relationship and both people can be nurtured which makes you both grow as individuals and as a couple. Everything has to grow or it dies and the only way something can grow is if it is fed what it needs to grow. We all need to express ourselves, share our feelings, communicate our thoughts and get out things that are bothering us be it about something else or something in the relationship. That is why working on being best friends is very important in any love relationship.
If I were you I would talk to my g/f about setting a special time aside daily where on the phone or if you see each other you share about your day, your feelings. Just keep up with letting both of you feel the safety and openness to say and share whatever is going on in each of your lives like being best friends. It is most important to be understanding when you are told something you don’t want to hear. Instead of becoming insecure or defensive be open to what the other person is feeling and work it out. You have a much better chance of keeping the relationship together, growing and staying in love if you do allow each of you to always share the truth and work it out together than to put up defenses because you don’t like what the person says. If you can’t be honest with each other eventually someone is going to turn to someone else they do feel they can be themselves with. So make that a commitment to yourself and each other that though something may hurt you stay and work it out until it is no longer a problem for the person who raised the problem. When we react negatively to someone we don’t stop what they are feeling we just shut them up and that doesn’t solve anything except in our own heads thinking if they no longer bring it up then it is no longer a problem. This is not true and why many relationships have lots of problems and don’t last. We should all feel we can be totally honest with our best friend/ love of our life and work it out together. If you don’t meet her needs someone else will and the same for you if you can’t be yourself you will eventually need to find someone who will let you be yourself. We all have to have someone we can be ourselves with so work on these two most important communication skills. Your first step is to talk to her about this because you do have a communication problem in your relationship and you will break up again if you don’t work these two issues out. Do it now while you are in the “honeymoon stage” which is what we call the first couple of weeks when a couple get back together after a fight or breakup.
So, to capsulate what I am saying, first allow breathing room for both of you to have friends and go out with friends within reason. Second work on being best friends, talking and listening as friends just about everyday stuff. If one of you does feel there is a problem, sit down and be open to hearing the truth even if it hurts and work it out so that whatever is going on doesn’t grow into a problem you can not resolve. Be able to accept criticism and work it out instead of letting your ego get in the way which just shuts up the other person it doesn’t get rid of the problem or their feelings about the problem. If you don’t learn to share and talk as friends about everyday things, personal feelings you will grow apart or one of you will find someone who will fill these needs. We all need a love who we can share and be understood by.
I hope this helps and that you sit down ASAP with your g/f and add this new dimension to your relationship. So that you are talking like friends on a daily bases without needing to wait for a problem or to “fix something." Nurture your relationship by just sharing yourselves and your days, then maybe she won’t need to go out so much with her friends.
Good luck,
MaryAnne