Amysi:
First thing to do is calm down. I mean you wrote twice on the forum and then here all in caps which means you are really stressed here. You can’t think or listen if you are bouncing off walls so calm down ok? Nothing is life or death no matter how it may feel. Take that from years of experience. I am going ahead and answering you via email and putting the same response up on the forum.
Now, what you need is a good lesson in “ Military Men 101” so that is what I am going to give you. Guys that join the military are “different” and this is good that you are seeing this now so you can decide if this is the kind of life you want to have or not. It will always be this way. I went through the war with all military guys and that was all I dated so I know from where I speak. Now, guys in the military you have to understand that the military will always come first and you will always come second. That is something all military wives have to understand. Their lives are on the line and they are making a commitment that is soooo serious. They also become very close to their outfit and you will have to play second to the guys in his outfit. These guys have to watch each other’s backs, keep each other alive. This is no game and as important as love is compared to what these guys go through in the military not meeting your “in love” needs just isn’t and can’t be number one saving their lives and those of their teammates is. Can you understand that? Are you watching any of this stuff going on about Iraq? You can get a good idea of how life and death serious this is. You even said when he is with you it is wonderful. He asked you to marry him so I disagree with your friends. If you love him and are willing to be second and realize it has nothing to do with his love for you then I would say it is up to you if you can stick it out with him and support him all the way. You will always be lonely, have to rely on girlfriends, do many things alone, raise your children mostly by yourself. It is a very lonely life for the wife and they have all these support groups for wives of military men because they have a hard time taking it. It is not an easy way to go as far as a marriage so you do need time to think, feel, watch and grow up to see if this is really the kind of life you really want.
But as far as his actions they are perfectly normal and natural and I truly believe they have nothing to do with you. It has to do with what he has chosen to do with his life and it is a “total” commitment that comes above all else including his own life.
There are lots of problems with military marriages and many end in divorce. The wife has to do all the sacrificing and doing without her needs being met most of the time. It is very lonely life as far as not having a full time husband even when he is home on leave.
So you have much to learn, much growing. It is good you are not going to marry at 18 and give this a while. See how he does after he settles in. He will come back more to you once he has been in a year or so. Then you will know all the answers you need to know by then. For now be patient, let him talk about what he is doing, don’t listen to your friends unless you are trying to change him and they say get out because you can’t then they are right. If you can understand, be supportive and patient as I say he will come back some and you will also find out all the answers you need to whether you want to marry him. You really are lucky all that you need to know will unfold naturally with time. For now enjoy him while he is with you and when you are with him ask him for some reassurance. Tell him what you are feeling and ask him if his feelings have changed. If he reassures you and still wants to marry you then just go with it until you decide whether he and the military are what you want for your future.
There really isn’t anything going wrong other than your not understanding men and that is normal for your age. Just know that as long as he keeps telling you that you are the one and that when you are together things are great let him do what he has to.
You find a way to get yourself a life. It isn’t good for him to be your life anyway.
As long as you love him I would not drop him as your friends say. If you feel you need more from a guy and don’t love him then still have a talk with him and just tell him you can’t live this kind of life and want out. That is your decision and you will have to decide where you stand on this and if your love for him is strong enough to endure the loneliness and always being second.
I hope this helps you understand and I would like to know what you decide and how you handle this situation. So please write me back and let me know what you decide to do.
MaryAnne
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