­ Dear Reader,

I have never done one of these things before but I really need some professional advice on my current situation. I am a 19 year old male in my first year of university. I am not like most men. I have been told this by most woman I have been with. I am what would most likely be called a hopeless romantic. After my first month at university I meet someone very special. We started hanging out more and more often every day untill we spent all of our time together, unless we were in class or studying. One night we got so close that we had sex, and both of us were happy that we had. We continued to be together for the next month or so, not knowing if we were going out or just dating. So one night I asked her where we stand, and she said she needed time to think. I gave her about a week and then asked again. That night we had a large conversation about the relationship that she just got out of and how complicated things are (mainly because she talkes to her ex over MSN (instant messenger) every day) with her life. She said that she has not been single in awhile and that she would like to have that feeling for a longer amount of time before commiting again. She then went on and said that we could be friends with benifits (**** Buddies) and at the time I agreed because I didn't think that I could let her go that easily. So for about a month after that we continued to spend so much time together and had an amazing time. Then one day she meet someone else that seemed to like her aswell. Imidiatly I felt ditched. She stoped calling me as often, stoped showing any sign of interest towards our relationship, and primarily because I said that we would just be friends with benifits, so she saw me as just a really good friend. She said that she most likely wasn't going to go out with him because she still wanted to be single. The thing is, I never really knew just how much I cared for her untill she became distant from me and started being with someone else. I stoped laughing and joking around in front of her, because I can't help but feel sadness. A couple of days ago I wrote her a letter explaining my true feelings about her and how much I care about her. Exams are this week and I just had to get it off of my chest. I also told her that she should put what I told her out of her mind untill exam's are over because we both need to focus. We still talk every day, and ocasionally go get dinner or lunch together. The last time that I was with her sexually, there were a chain of events that occured that should have never have happened, and I am really worried that is why she started seeing someone else. I know that she is still seeing this someone else, and every time that I know she is with him it is like my heart just stops beatin. Anyways, I really don't know what to do from here. I am really worried about what the outcome of this is going to be becuase I know that I will not be able to be her friend after this. Mainly because I can't stand being around people I have strong feelings for and not being able to hold them or be with them. I CAN'T loose her. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I can't let that go. Please write back when you can about what I can do. I really need some good advice on this one.

Thank You

­ Dear Halian,

Oh dear. So you've been bitten by the love bug, hard. Ouch.
I understand your situation, as I am in a very similar situation with my ex boyfriend. We went out for 5months and were very close, still are and since we have broken up (month ago) we have had alot of trouble staying friends without wanting to still 'play'. See we were friends for a while before we got together and it has been hard to go back to being just friends. At first he was the one who wanted to break it off, and now after a month he wants to be with me again. The way he feels about me is how you have explained you feel about this girl. So maybe I can give you some insight from the girl’s point of view.

See, now that I have been single for again for a couple of weeks, I don’t want to get back with him for a number of reasons. I want to be single for a while longer before being in a serious relationship again (just like this girl). However I still have feelings for him and miss him a lot and it has been hard for me to pull myself away from him, especially since he is trying his hardest to win me back. So we ended up mucking around a few times and having a 'friendship with benefits' for a while. But it still has not changed my mind on being single. As I said to my ex, even if the most gorgeous guy in the world came and asked me out, I still would say no, no matter who it is. A relationship with anyone is just not appealing to me at the moment. I can tell you from the girl’s point of view that it is purely stuff that we have to sort out for ourselves. So don’t take it to heart ok?

Ok, so now some insight into why she may have distanced herself from you. You said that you can no longer laugh and muck around with her, so your relationship has already changed. She most probably has picked up on this change in you and sees how much it is tearing you up. This maybe why she has distanced herself from you-maybe she doesn’t want to hurt you.


This may be the case, but I’m not sure, because if you say that she has 'ditched' you since she met this guy then maybe she is just ready to move on. Maybe you filled her need to be touched, caressed and played with for a while, but now that she has found someone she really likes, you have been tossed aside a bit. Maybe that’s all it was to her, just a bit of fun. However, I can’t help but think that if she really valued your friendship and cared for you, she wouldn’t just toss you aside like that. I cant be certain why she has distanced herself from you, whether she’s finished having her fun with you or whether she just doesn’t want to hurt you. however there is something else you said and im not quite sure what you meant by it. You said that the last time you were with her sexually, there were a chain of events that occured that should have never have happened, and are worried that is why she started seeing someone else. Now I’m not sure exactly what that means. Whether it was something you did that scared or hurt her? That bit is unclear to me. Or whether you just became jealous and that pushed her away. whatever it was that happened, if you think that it is the reason why she is not spending so much time with you, rather than other boys, then maybe you need to talk to her about this.

You said that she is the best thing that has ever happened to you and u can't let that go. Ok yes what u had means a lot to you, she means a lot to you, and remember that. But if you two are never together again, it doesn’t mean that it never happened or was never special for you. You will find love again.

When exams are over I think you need to ask her if she has any desires to ever be in a relationship with you or she would prefer to be friends. If she says that she would like to be with you in the future, then you need to decide whether you can hang around and watch her have her fun and wait until she is ready. Accept that fact that she is going to be with other people and needs to be able to do that before she is ready to settle down with anyone. If you try to stop her or control her she will just turn away from you even more. If she says that she wants to be with you some time in the future, then the best thing you can do is just be her friend, be yourself and be there for her. That’s all you can do. You can’t force it.

If she wants to be just friends then you have to accept that and decided whether you can be just friends without it breaking your heart. As you said, you won’t be able to be her friend after this because you can't stand being around people you have strong feelings for and not being able to hold them or be with them. So you need to consider all this and think about what is best for you, and act on it. As Mary-Anne reminded me the other day, a lot of people know what’s best for them, but never act on it. There is a big difference between knowing what you have to do and what is best for you and actually doing it.

Remember you can not control the outcome of your relationship with her. All you can do is tell her how you feel about her and wait and see what she makes of it. And you have to respect and accept her wishes. You cannot force her to feel something for you or want to be with you, it just doesn’t work like that.

So talk to her, see what she says, and remember you have to do what’s best for you and act on it. That’s if you want some piece of mind and to stop going insane. If you are not truthful with yourself all it will cause is heartache and pain. So please sit down with yourself, have a talk to her and figure out what is best for you. If it means not being with her or her friend, yes it will hurt, and yes you will miss her, but hey, there are worse things in life, you will love again. There are other girls out there. In time you will heal.

Good luck with it all. Let me know how it all works out.


Take care.
*Tina*