­Ok I have a girlfriend and we have been going out for about 6 months now. Lately things have been going weird with her family and her parents are arguing and a divorce is quite possible. Sometimes her family brings her into it and she gets yelled at for things she didn't even do. When this happens she gets down and becomes depressed. Not like psycho depressed you know...just like sad So on the phone, she talks to me about the situation and I just don't know what to say. I end up looking stupid and shes still upset...PLEASE HELP! THANK YOU!

­ Hi:

OK, first I know how helpless you feel when you can't give your girlfriend answers. I think it is great you wrote to find out how to be what she needs so let's teach you a little about how the sexes communicate differently. Guys go for "solutions.” Guys think that when they are given any situation that they are supposed to find the solutions and that is what everyone wants. Except the opposite sex, girls we want to "process" "be heard" to "ventilate." Your girlfriend knows you can't "solve" her problems. She just wants you to listen, to be there for her, so she doesn't feel all alone. You are her "best friend" ya know and that is what best friends do. They are there for each other when the going gets tough. So, when she calls you and starts talking about her family life, or any of her feelings and problems, stop the "testosterone,” just listen, understand and be there. You can not nor does she expect you to have the answers to her problems. If you can understand this you will also take the pressure off yourself feeling like you are not doing anything for her. It will feel a little uncomfortable for a while until you get use to it and until you see your girlfriend’s reactions of feeling that you “are” there for her you will find giving your girlfriend what she needs feels fulfilling. If you ever go around a group of girls talking you will hear how it works. Your girlfriend may be talking to 3 other friends saying the exact same things she is saying to you. This again is "processing" where she will talk about it over and over with several close friends until she works it all out for herself.
So, when you are talking to your girlfriend ask her how she is doing, if she wants to talk about her feelings she will then do it. If you ask her and she doesn’t want to talk about her feelings she will know you care because you asked. Then if she wants to talk just listen to her, try to understand what she is feeling and if she asks you any questions just answer them according to how you would feel if it were you. That is all you need to do. Now being her love and best friend, you could do some extras on the side during this period of turmoil in her life. You could tell her that you love her more often, let her know that you are there for her anytime she wants or needs you and that you won’t leave her. You could hold her more and just give her more attention emotionally, physically and verbally. A little extra security wouldn’t hurt her right now if her parents are looking at divorce. She needs to feel some stability in her life. She might be feeling a little insecure right now so any words to make her feel that you and she are “safe” and “special” would help. Maybe do some extra things to get her out of the house when her parents are going at it so she doesn’t have to be the “scapegoat” which is what it sounds like they are making her. So if you can get her out more and away from the parent’s “insanity” I think that would be really something she needs. I am sorry her parents are not grown up yet and don’t know how to keep her out of their childishness.
OK, back to your question, being there and listening are the main points that girls need and want. We want to be heard and understood. She may still be down but that is OK. See, by talking things out with you this is how we work things out in ourselves for ourselves. So even though it may not seem like you are doing much and because you are use to being “the solver” giving her what I am telling you is giving a lot because of what it allows her to do by processing everything with you. She may go over it 50 times. We go over something until we get it for ourselves, so patience is the last ingredient. Let her talk and repeat as much as she needs to. There is good reasoning in that repetition, it will lead her to working through all her feelings and coming to terms with her problems. She will work all she needs to work out for herself as long as you will let her and that is by being there for her. But please don’t try to solve her issues and feelings for her just be there and let her do what she needs to do. She will get it and as long as you let her process her feelings with you even if it is the same thing every time and then she still seems depressed and even crying that is fine. She will process it until she works it through for what she needs. As long as you are there for her, let her talk and you listen she is fine I promise. Don’t feel stupid or helpless, which is natural for a guy to feel because it is hard to see any real “help” in doing what I have told you but like I say if you understand what I have written this is how the female mind works and it works perfect if given the space and support it needs. Women are comfortable with all feelings. Men are only comfortable with “happy” feelings. So you feel you are not helping because she still seems down. Just remember that it is the need to process that we have and that she may sound down, be crying but if you do these things she is fine. She will come back and process it again believe me until she gets it and works through her feelings. If you learn this about women now you will be way ahead of 99.9% of all men for the rest of your life and very popular (smile) with women. If you do this I know it will help her get through this ordeal. I am sorry this is happening to her. If you need more help just write I am here.
MaryAnne