­Hi! What could it be in my psychological makeup that causes me to desire those men who are unavailable and/or unattainable? I seem to never be able to be interested in men who like me. Why would I feel the need to sabotage myself like this? Looking forward to your suggestions.

­ Arwen:

Arwen usually when a person likes to set themselves up in this way it is for one of two reasons or both. One, they are afraid of going for something attainable because their egos are so fragile, what would happen if they did not get the person? They could not deal with that. If you pick someone who you can’t ever have, then when something goes wrong you do not have to look at yourself or what could cause you blame or any kind of recrimination because you knew from the beginning you could never get that person. It keeps you safe because if you had to face some self evaluation it could be devastating. This way you can make it up in your own mind what you are and what the relationship could be like with nothing to lose because how can you ever be wrong? This feeds the ego and keeps it intact with little or no threat. You can keep it in never never land where everything can be just as you want it and it can never be tested by everyday life in a relationship.

That leads to the second reason, again it is “ego”, as these kinds of set ups are always to protect the ego. People who go for the unattainable have fragile egos. In the second scenario the person needs to stay in that “in love” stage which no relationship can ever stay if it becomes a real every day relationship. The mundane the not so romantic parts of just being two people eventually comes in and this is not what this person wants or can handle. They want to stay in the “in love” stage. Well having someone married or so far away from what we could ever hope to get keeps our fantasy alive. This person can always stay our dream and they can never fail us. It also keeps us from ever feeling inadequate that we could ever fail or not be good enough which is a great threat that lurks over someone who has insecurity ego problems. This type of scenario needs and likes to stay in the “in love” part of a relationship and not move on to the next stages that are no longer like those Romance novels. Many men also desire this type of scenario and that is why they commit adultery so they can have that “first kiss” “first making love” over and over. They truly need it to feel good about themselves.
I think we would both agree you fit into the first scenario and with this one you also don’t like yourself very much and an intimate relationship where you find and see each other for who you really are it could be very threatening to your very self. If you are insecure that could be so threatening there is no way you could possibly risk that. Which is very good because it is not our job to go out and try to destroy ourselves. So you are protecting yourself. Now what you have to find out is why you need to protect yourself. Because what ever the reason it is from child hood and no longer a “real” threat. So someone or something taught you that fear was life and death to you which was true back in childhood but now it is just sabotaging your chances for intimacy and having you relive something that no longer exists. You have to find it and it has to go.
When you are ready let me know. I will help you or refer you locally to work through this old no longer needed defense so that you can be free to love freely and openly. What a relief huh?
MaryAnne