Dear toroprincess06;
First of all I would like to apologize for being so long to reply. Mary-Anne asked me to reply to your letter and our internet crashed.
So you have this male friend with ‘benefits’ deal and now you have feelings for him. And you are also suspecting that he has a girlfriend. So I will start with the first thing you asked me, ‘what do I think of a 16yr old girl having a 19yr old guy friend with benefits. When you say friends with benefits im not sure exactly what that entails and how far it goes but as far as I know 17 is the legal age of consent in America. So you have to think about the jeopardy you are placing him legally. The case of that basketball player in prison for 10 years for sleeping with his girlfriend just 6 weeks shy of her 17th birthday. So you and he need to talk about this and I don't know how your parents would feel but if they disapprove they can prosecute abviously. Also you need to be so careful and not think you are "safe" from pregnancy with a condom. If you are not on the BC pill you are not "safe" and that you definitely don't need to deal with at your age. So there are many things to consider before you take on such a move. Even though you are already doing it you need to think about these things and discuss them with him. Make sure he is aware of the age issue because it is him that gets into trouble and it is major trouble. Sex is a huge responsibility it is not just about having sex and showing how you feel about each other you have to consider always the consequences of your actions. Teens don't stop and think about consequences and then when something happens it is a shock but you still have to deal with the consequences of your actions. Being under 17 and him being over 17 there is a real threat for him. IF you got pregnant, caught and your parents complained the consequences are severe and truly not worth it for him. Just like that basketball player the consequences are for life for your friend. His whole life can be ruined. If you get pregnant for you the consequences are for a life time. So, I would definitely "stop" and think and talk about all this. Then if you are going to do "adult things" make sure you have thought everything through and taken care of all these things known as consequences. Like I say if your parents don't know and wouldn't approve they know they can have him prosecuted and you don't want that nightmare. Your b/f really needs to think about that one real hard. You need to think about the "safety" issue long and hard since that can not be taken lightly either. As far as right or wrong, that you have to search your soul for the answer. Since you have to live with what you do and live with the consequences of what you do and what it may cause, you need to take a decision like this very seriously and not just "do what you want." So, think about all of this and discuss it with your b/f. Search your soul and then I am sure you will od what is best and what you can live with. This is important to learn since we all do have to live with our actions, you are never too young to go ahead and learn how to not make decisions or act on them with your emotions but to realize you have to think through all of what you are thinking about doing or are doing, who it affects, what oculd happen and how would you feel if something did, does happen. OK, the rest of the answer to that first question is yours and your b/f's just think and talk it all through OK (smile)?
Now this is where your deal has gone sour. You have developed feelings for this guy so the situation for you turns grey because it is no longer just mucking around and fun, but something more meaningful. You said that you wish you knew what he was trying to tell you. Well I think he was trying to tell you when he said that he loves you as the person you are but not as in the other love. Guys may not be the best communicators or very clear and precise. However I have encountered much male talk and I think what that translates to is, I like you as a friend and someone to muck around with but im not ‘In’ love with like lovers are. I think he was trying to tell you that he doesn’t desire a relationship with you. If you think I am wrong you need to talk to him again and clear it up ask him if he has the same feelings you have for him and get him to be very clear and precise so there is no confusion and you know where you stand. If it turns out that he doesn’t have feelings for you, you need to stop the friends with benefits thing altogether. Otherwise it will tear you apart. So leave it alone and just be friends. If however I was wrong and he does feel the same way about you, then you need to ask him about your suspicions of him having a girlfriend. That is a bit of worry to me, if he has a girlfriend and is still mucking around with you. If that is the case, then I think you need to think about whether you could trust this guy in a relationship (if that’s what you are seeking with him). Just protect yourself and be a bit weary of the type of guy he is, if he is mucking around with you while he has a girlfriend. Also be very cautious of what he tells you. When it comes to guys getting what they want when it comes to girls, they can be very manipulative and not always tell the exact truth.
Now, you are worried about his reaction to all you want to say and tell him. Well I tell you, no relationship can function effectively without clear communication. If you are finding it so hard to tell him how you feel and ask him about his feelings for you, does that tell you something. If you really like this guy and want to be with him, then you need to be able to talk to him openly. I cannot tell you how he is going to react. I’m a bit worried as to why you are so afraid of how he is going to react. Has he gotten angry or made you feel stupid for something you said or asked him before? Do you find him intimidating? Are you scared that he will not like it and stop seeing you altogether, either way, you need to talk to him about how he feels and if there is a chance of you two being together. If he makes you feel stupid, gets angry of accusative, I would walk away and get yourself out of there. You need to be able to feel comfortable to have any kind of relationship with him, friendship, friendship with benefits or lovers. So think about what I have said, sit in your room and listen to yourself and think about what is best for you and not what he will think or do. Just what is best for you. Stay safe and good luck.
Take care.
*Tina*
