­My boyfriend sometimes thretneds to break up with me, if i say something he doesnt want to hear or just over something stupid, he says later that he is just kidding but sometimes it feels like he is trying to give me a hint on the subject that he wants to. He tells me that he loves me and that he wants to be with me but its just those times that he does that makes me second guess. What do you think??

­ Chickadi5:

Hi this is MaryAnne. First you don’t give me much to go on I hope I can do you justice. From what you say his actions are quite clear. He is doing what is called Passive/Aggressive treatment. It has obviously worked for him because we do not continue a behavior that we don’t get the “results” that we want. What passive/aggressive behavior is the person says something that can be taken two ways. This way they get you off what ever it is you are doing that makes them feel uncomfortable and they also give you just enough “aggressive” tactic to get you to focus on their “threat” instead of the subject that was at hand. So it works well.
He gets you more focused on “is he serious” or “is he not” and he has you focused on the fear of losing him and you drop the subject he doesn’t like or want to deal with. And a lot of times the reciprocator of passive/aggressive actions will slowly learn not to bring up such topics so they don’t have to go through the fear and the insecurity of wondering was that a “threat” or a joke. Remember “just kidding” is always passive/aggressive cover up. Yet if he were then you would not be writing this because you see a pattern of behavior and are able to associate it with a behavior you are doing. In real just kidding it is a once in a while thing that has no rhyme or reason to it.
Now the real question from here is do you stop bringing up the topics that he finds threatening or doesn’t wish to discuss? And why does he not want to discuss them? Or do you learn to be more secure in yourself and decide that if you can’t have an open and honest relationship that has good communication with no threats coming at you, you don’t want that kind of relationship. Because this behavior will not go away. You will go away before this behavior will. These people if you push them will make good on their threats. Because whatever is threatening him is greater than working it out or he would have already chosen that as an option and he didn’t. So you I am afraid are in a really hard place to be. I would need much more information to go into the relationship issues to help you deal with this part of your problem.
But now you know what he is doing and why. The next part will be up to you and that is what will you do about it? If you need my help just email me more information or place on the forum whichever you choose.
Thank you for writing and I am here if you need me,
MaryAnne

­Maybe when he says 'do you wanna break up?' or 'maybe we should split?' in these situations its because he has low confidence and when you bring up things about him he thinks you are critising him, the same when you have stupid arguments he might think you don't wanna be with him so is trying to get in there first - so as not to lose face.
You don't say how long you guys have been together but maybe if you try and build up trust so he doesn't think you wanna break up with him or that he isn't worth it then he might start to accept your comments.
And of course guys tend to have a different attitude to girls - they don't want long talks in the same way, when you think you are sharing something meaningful or trying to be tactful then he might switch off. Its difficult to explain but if you can try chatting to your boyfriend and explaining your worries maybe once he realises you wanna be with him he might stop pushing you away whenever you come 'to' close.

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