­ Dear S:

My heart hurt as I read your letter. I can feel your aching and loneliness. We can be with people who care about us and we care deeply about and still feel very alone and lonely.
When a child is born into a marriage it does change everything and where the priorities lie. Also just as years go by marriages change and patterns form that take over our spontaneity. We relax too much and we loose what you call the “in love” part of our relationship. Relationships take consistent work. Like my dad said once the courting in a relationship starts when you get married. I think this is how it should be. Anything that we really want takes work and thought on a consistent bases.
You can come at your situation two different ways. First let me say I am glad your letter states you want to work this out with your husband and that you are being “proactive” instead of waiting until you are already in another relationship and then being “reactive.” Your warning sign which you very astutely picked up on was you are starting to look with your mind and eyes outside of your marriage. I believe you love your husband and want your marriage to work because of your letter so lets try to get your marriage back to being a marriage and being parents.
You can first come at this without telling your husband and you take the initiative and just let your husband feel the affects of your love. First find close relatives or friends to take care of your daughter on a Saturday night into Sunday so there is no rush and you can just let go and really relax with each other. Then plan an intimate night and lazy Sunday morning with your husband. First send your husband an invitation and send it to his office special delivery with flowers. Invite him to an evening and morning of love, love making and sharing your selves with each other. Tell him what time it starts what he is to wear and what he should bring. Let him pick up the drinks, as in wine. Then plan a dinner that consists of finger foods and fresh vegetables with dips so that you two can just pick and enjoy food throughout the evening also remembering how erotic these foods can be. Ad a little spice with some honey or whip cream on the side. Get warm and skin softening massage oil that is versatile if you know what I mean. Set the ambiance for the evening with pillows, a fire, candles, incense and Johnny Mathis on CD so you don’t have to get up and change the music. Then set your room up with the foods, and all the ambiance making the room warm, sensual, safe and openly loving. Then spend time getting yourself just as feminine and beautiful as you want and make it so you do what makes you feel that way. In this evening you want to start out getting to know one another again, so as you sip your wine and nibble on your finger food, talk about things that are just about the two of you and be touchy with your body as you share and talk. Feed your husband as you talk. Laugh, make it so your husband wants to share with you and wants to listen to you. Share with him your feelings about what you would like to do in your marriage between the two of you. Do not ever complain or criticize anything about either of you, or your marriage. Only express positive feelings, thoughts and desires.
Make it like a fantasy that you believe you can both make come true. Then give your husband a body rub telling him all the wonderful things you feel about him. As you give him his body rub start love making around the massage. Your end result is breaking the pattern that has brought you to this problem and you are taking the initiative to change your patterns. It only takes one person to change in a relationship and the whole relationship will change. Do it in a positive, constructive and loving way and I think you will like the results. Keep it up consistently with imagination and I believe your husband and you will find your “true love” all over again in a whole new way.
God Bless,
Let me know how things turn out,
MaryAnne

­ Dear MaryAnne:

I am having trouble with my relationship. I have been married for 10 years and I have one child 5 years old. After our child was born the relationship changed and we lost touch with our “in love” side. We end up just talking about our child, our work and things we need to get done. We are so busy all the time there is no time for us. I am getting to the point where I am looking and fantasizing about other men. I want and need the “in love” affection and sexual side. I want to be able to sit in front of our fireplace with a glass of wine and share what we feel and what is going on inside of us. I want him to give me a back rub and I want to be treated like a woman and to treat him like a man, not like a mommy and daddy. It has gotten to the point where neither of us even try any more. Can you help me find my lover and friend again?
S