­ dear Mary Ann
There are nights when I really stresses out. These nights all have in common that I am alone in our flat and my boyfriend is out partying with his friends. The enormous feeling of being left out and abandoned is not anything new to me, it happend all the time in my childhood. Since then I have gone to a counseler and life have been much better since. But, these specific nights is too much for me. Unwillingly I give my boyfriend hugh guiltrips for leaving me behind, even though I really really want him to have a great time. I climb the walls at home, unable to concentrate on anything and when he finally comes home, I have worked myself up so much that it takes days for both of us to come down to normal. I would really like to be able to enjoy a night by myself even though he is out at the pub. Like tonight, I am not in the mood for company, but there is no chance in heaven that I could sit down and relax. It is not a fear of him being unfaithful, more a feeling of claustrofobia that is driving me nuts! Being with friends helps, but it only makes me forget the agony, it is not curing it. Please give me some advice!!!!!
love
Katie

­ Katie:
Thank you for writing. I must first say you do mind your boyfriend being out partying. First you would not be “stressed” out if you did not mind. Second you say that you have “enormous” feelings of being left out. You tell yourself that you don’t feel that way because “it happened all the time in my childhood.” You just try to make it ok because you think since you went through it all through your childhood that you should be use to it by now, but you are not, nor would anyone. I see several words in your writing that come from what a counselor would tell you. The problem is your counselor was wrong and the way you are feeling every time your boyfriend goes out proves that “you” are not ok with your boyfriend going out and partying with his friends. You wouldn’t be human if worries didn’t cross your mind with the situation you are having to live with. Someone has tried to convince you that you should be ok with him going out and partying with his friends and that you “should” use that time to be with the girls or do things at home and enjoy that. But your words tell me very clearly that you are not ok with any of this. Your words tell me you want your boyfriend to want to be with you and that you would rather be with him than alone or with your friends at night.
It is not wrong for you to be true to your feelings Katie. Listen to your insides Katie. If you do I think you will find that your insides agree with me. Instead of listening to the counselor or your friends or your boyfriend, listen to your inner voice Katie. It will never lie to you and then be true to your feelings. Just because you are use to something happening to you doesn’t mean you deserve to continue having it happen to you or that you should accept it. Your words in your letter make it very clear what you feel Katie and what you want. Read your letter to me as if it was being written to you. I think you will be able to hear exactly what Katie is really feeling and really wants but she does not feel she has the right to deserve. You do have the right Katie to ask and receive what you need. You don’t believe you deserve any better than you are getting from your boyfriend so you are trying to deny what you feel to yourself so that you can keep your boyfriend. The problem is that no matter what, after seeing a counselor, talking to your friends and trying to convince yourself that you “should” be ok with the way your boyfriend is treating you, none of it is working and you are still very unhappy, but you are blaming Katie. Katie is not to blame for what she is truly feeling and wanting because it is what all of us want. You are trying to make yourself deny what yourself is screaming out to you. That you want to be respected and listened to by someone who says they love you. You not only have your boyfriend telling you that your feelings are wrong but you yourself are telling you that your feelings are wrong. Who is there for Katie? Be true to yourself and find a way to stay true to yourself and have a relationship where your boyfriend does not want you to betray your feelings. If he doesn’t value enough to respect your feelings why would you believe he is being faithful when he is out in pubs partying with his friends?
MaryAnne