­ Dear MaryAnne,
Hi. My name is Brandi. I'm 16 years old . I have a boyfriend who is 17. His name is Joe. We have been dating for 8 months , 9 months the 22nd of December.
When Joe and I first started dating , he cheated on me.We were going out exactly a week the day he cheated on me. I gave him another chance because i think everyone deserves a second chance.I made it clear to him that if he ever cheated on me again , the relationship would be over forever . No more chances , that would be the end .
Well it's been 8 months now and he hasnt cheated on me since.Believe me I know cause i keep the check on him.He doesnt even talk to that girl anymore. We have become best friends. We are deeply in love with each other. I love him so much with all my heart . I hate loving someone so much because it's like you put your heart into their hands. I just don't want my heart to be crushed.I'm kind of scared to love him so much because he hurt me once, i dont want him to do it again.
I'm so scared to trust him . I'm scared he will hurt me again .It really hurts me that i can't trust him . I tell him how I feel. We always talk about problems we have . He told me that i should trust him and that was a mistake he made along time ago. He said he didn't even think we would be going out that long when he did that .He said he loves me so much now and he loves me to death . He told me that i'm the only girl for him and that he doesnt even look at other girls the same way he does me.He told me he would never do that ever again.
What should I do ? I love him with all my heart , and he tells me he loves me too. I know he does just by the way he looks at me and touches me . He's really sweet to me. I know that happend along time ago and people do change . But i also heard once a cheater always a cheater.
I really do think he's the one for me , even though im 16.You can still feel love at 16.PLease help me with my trust issue . i have talked to him about it and he gets frustrated with me for not trusting him now. We talk about or problems. What else can we do? I really want this to work and i know in my heart he does to. It's just my mind getting in the way.

­ Brandi:

Thank you for writing I hope I can help you.
Of course you can feel love at 16 don’t think I would ever make light of the relationship because of your age. I was 16 once too ya know and it hurt like crazy, mine didn’t work out.
Joe is only 17 which means he was either 16 or close to 16 when this so called cheating happened. He couldn’t have had that much experience at that age. It isn’t like you are both in your 30’s, lots of experience, married and two children. You are both young and not much experience, but have found each other and love each other. You heard once a cheater always a cheater, well yes that can be true people usually don’t change their colors, but that is for people who are adults and have been through a lot and know what they want and have a long term commitment with each other. That is where that saying came from is when it is a husband that just won’t stop and lies about it. I have worked with enough couples to know that is where that saying came from. And I don’t think Joe “cheated” on you, you had no real commitment after one week. Cheating is a big thing and it happens when you are really close and have a commitment and have made promises to each other that are built over months and years of a relationship. So I don’t believe Joe has ever cheated on you. You and Joe are teenagers just by virtue of being a teen you have things going on in your head and heart that are far from grown up yet. You are going to change again so much between now and 21 then again between 21 and 30. There are so many stages to life Brandi. At least give both of you the benefit of growing up before you put conditions on what Joe can and can not do. It isn’t like he is a habitual adulterer. You were only dating at the time and only a week. Really he wasn’t yours at that time and you weren’t in love. I mean you are asking a guy who is in the hormone stage of life, when he is just really starting to date and bam you are punishing him for dating someone else when he had only been around you for a week. That is pretty harsh judgement for what is reality Brandi.
You know what I don’t think that is the real issue. Can I tell you what I think the real issue is and you are taking it out on this because you have to find someway to find fault. You said it in your letter, you are scared to death because you love Joe so much and that gives him so much power over you and your feelings.
Brandi this is where you have to decide are you going to take a chance in love or not. Just by virtue of being in love we all are open to being hurt and that is a chance we all have to take if we are going to love somebody. Trust is a very big thing and it takes forever to build and just one mistake to destroy. You both should honor trust and give it the respect it deserves but Brandi, you can not make someone love you or not love you. No matter how many promises you make Joe make he is only going to love you as long as he loves you and the same with you. So, being in love is a gamble any way you look at it. It is scary to have to put your faith in something you have no control over but that is the nature of love.
Now, you either love Joe and trust him or you don’t. If you want to love Joe and give that love a chance you have to trust him until he proves otherwise and then you will have to learn how to deal with that. We have all been betrayed and it is all part of being in love but it won’t kill you unless you let it. You are only 16 and that whether you want to look at things as an adult or not, there just are certain things you have not developed by virtue of your age and that is insight and experience. No matter how much you want to have the “knowledge” that goes with those two things you can’t have them. They come with age so you have to trust in us older people who have the knowledge and the insight from experience. I am a good one to trust (smile) as I have been through a lot and know from where I speak plus I have years of college that taught me about human nature.
Anyway, you don’t have the knowledge that could help you understand that Joe did not cheat on you and that your fear is more for your own vulnerability by being so in love.
But trust me that is your true fear that you are afraid of him walking away with your heart. There is absolutely nothing you can do about that. At my age there is nothing I can do about it. I have to either take a chance on love or not. Of course we try to “pick” someone who we think will love us the way we want them to but Brandi you can never be 100% sure. If you need that it will just drive you crazy because there just is no such thing as 100% sure unless you just stay out of all relationships and how lonely and uneventful life would be.
You love Joe, and you are taking a chance so give it the best chance you can give it. Don’t ruin it with your own fears just because you have never felt so vulnerable. Yes, it would hurt if Joe did it but it happens and we live through it. Learn to accept that we are all human and that everything is a risk especially in love.
If I were you I would forget it because he hasn’t cheated on you yet. If you keep pushing and punishing him for something that he really didn’t do you are going to push him into feeling like he isn’t trusted and then Brandi you can push him too far.
So your job is to learn how to trust and take a chance in love at the risk of maybe being hurt. Hopefully you never will be but it is a chance. Do you love Joe enough to take the chance? If you do then let it go and don’t ever think about it again. Enjoy your relationship and quite looking for trouble where there is none.
Is there anything so wrong with being so happy and for things to be so good? I know society and movies make us believe that if it is too good then it probably is too good, but I don’t believe that. I think you can have a great relationship and just let it be great. Keep the best friend part and make it grow that is what will get you through the hard times and believe me they will come no matter how much you love each other so stop looking for things. Do things together, decide you are going to trust him, and take a chance OK?
I am telling you though, you have to stop questioning him and pushing this thing. Guys don’t like it, especially when it didn’t happen the way you are looking at it. Plus like
I said you can not make someone love you no matter how many promises you make them make. So forget it, he will be there and be faithful as long as he loves you and you have no control over that no one does.
I hope you will trust me and see what I am saying as far as what your real fear is.
Let me know if you need any more help I am here for you,
Good luck and enjoy your relationship,
MaryAnne