­ Dear MaryAnne:
I broke up with my ex a little over a month ago. After the relationship ended, I was completely heartbroken! Well, about a week and a half later, I started dating this new guy. At the time, it did seem a little early to be getting back into the dating scene, but I gave this new guy a chance anyway (I think subconsciously, I felt like I was dating the ex again, because the two had SO much in common! It was kind of like a "comfort zone").
Well, I'm currently still dating "the new guy," but this weekend, to my surprise, I got a call from my ex! I had still been thinking about him a lot over the past month, and a small part of me wanted to get back together with him. So, when he called, I remembered all the great times we had together and how much I loved and cared about him. But at the same time, it was the closure I needed. I do care about him, and will probably always love him (I still consider him my best friend), but I realized that we weren't happy as a couple and we were not going to get back together.
So, here's where my dilema comes in! When I got my closure, I began to think about my current relationship. We've only dated for about a month, but we're fighting a lot, I don't feel like I can open up to him, and we're not on the same page in this relationship....he's already told me that he loves me, and I don't feel the same way about him...not yet anyway! I don't know if I ever will... He's a great guy, and I really care about him, but did I jump back into a serious relationship too soon? Is he nothing more then a rebound? What should I do?!?!
I could really use all the help I can get! Thank you in advance!!!

---Balletrai

­ Balletrai:

You are quite impressive for your age. You are pretty level headed and you question yourself clearly. So first learn to trust your feelings, not your thoughts. Thoughts are what will mess you up but if you stay will your “gut” feelings they will steer you right every time. You have felt that when that “voice” inside told you not to do something and when you listened to that voice you found that if you had not listened something bad would have happened. In your letter to me you are very clear in your feelings and they are right. Read your letter to me as if it were about someone else and see what I mean. You were able to see that you have feelings for your ex and that you will always love him in some way. Those are very mature and insightful perceptions. I know a lot of older adults who can’t see that clearly. You also could tell that you couldn’t make it with your ex and saw that what you really needed and got was closure. All that is right on target. With your new boyfriend, I would like to help you change your perception about your “thinking.” There was nothing wrong with starting to date if you felt like it. There was nothing wrong with dating him exclusively if that is what you felt. You never told him you loved him did you? That is what you said in your letter to me. You are not in control of what he feels and does. You are only responsible for your actions and as long as you have not led him on, lied to him about the way you feel or what you want at this time, you have done nothing wrong. This is the best way to evaluate yourself to see if you contributed to what is happening in any relationship. Ask yourself those above questions and as long as you stay honest, don’t mislead, don’t intentionally set someone up then you are not responsible for how they respond. Now if you “think” or “know” that the person is going somewhere you are not ready to go sitting them down and telling them where you are at this point in the relationship is the honorable thing to do.
And then if they do not honor the boundaries you have set you need to stop seeing that person all together because that means they are not capable of honoring other boundaries that could lead to more serious consequences for you.
Again everything is perception and how you decide to perceive something will determine how you are going to feel about yourself and how you are going to handle the situation. What does your “inner voice” (your feelings) tell you about this guy. Keep your mind out of it just stop and think about him and then see what comes through to you in your body and what your feelings tell you. Thoughts will confuse you and make you question yourself on everything and then it will get all confusing and people can play on you and make you do things you don’t really want to do and on and on. Your feelings are your very own and they are not influenced by all this conflict that the mind has. You didn’t “rebound” because you didn’t tell him you loved him, you are just dating him that is normal when you break up with someone. Rebound is when you get into a "serious” I love you relationship right after a breakup. What should you do? If anyone ever offers to tell you what you should do, get away from them. You should never do what someone else tells you to do. This is your life and your decisions have to be made by you because guess what, you have to take the consequences, so if you have to take the consequences I think it would be better if you make the decision. But I am telling you how to get to what you really feel and what you really want to do. The answers are inside of you already. You just need to slow down your thinking and get to your feelings and then you will know what you want to do and how you really feel. Stop the judgement calls on yourself though. Unless you do something intentional you did your best at the time with the knowledge that you had at the time you made the decision so what’s to question about a past decision. Let that kind of thinking go, it is of no use and will only confuse you.
Ask yourself the 3 questions, did I tell him things I didn’t mean and misled him?
Did I do anything I didn’t really want to do? Am I being true to myself in my words and my behavior? These are the three key questions that will keep you sane and keep you true to yourself. Remember you are not responsible for someone else’s feelings or what they do as long as you answered those three questions honorably. If you didn’t you need to tell him and apologize and get things straight as soon as you can. But also remember life is a learning process there will be ups and downs and you will make less than great decisions and sometimes you will make great decisions. So, get to the feelings ask your 3 questions and find your answers and then act on them. It isn’t simple but I guarantee it will work if you follow this new way of looking at something.
Please let me know what happens I can tell you are really taking this hard but if you break it down to just what I have told you, you can handle it. Just don’t let ex or new guy make up your mind for you. You are very insightful and smart young lady I have great faith in your ability to make the right decision for you.
But you didn’t rebound with this guy from what you tell me so let that one go.
God bless and let me know,
MaryAnne

­Your dilemna is exactly what i am going through also and im comforted to know that someone else knows how it feels. I just broke up with my boyfriend who i have been with forever and thinking about breking up with him was unreal. And when that thought became reality i didnt know what to do. I couldnt imagine ever liking someone else. But i met someone, and to my surprise he turned out to be a great guy. But i question whether or not its worth jeapordizing me and my ex's chance of getting back together because i know we could and we probably will someday. But i do believe that i made a right decision on trying out someone new and meeting different people because theres so many fish in the sea and you have to make sure you have the right one. And if its meant to be then everything will work out for the best no matter what. Just keep to your true gut instincts.