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I need advice
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* May 14, 2004, 09:25:43 PM
­Me and my girlfriend have been going out for about 8 months now off and on. In the beginning I didnt give her much attention. So she cheated on me with her best friend. She was drunk too, I didnt break up then though. Then it happened with another one of her friends, they made out. Then we broke up and she made out with both of the same guys again. I took her back again though..then she was at a party and she tried to get sexual with 1 of the same guys again. She said she did it all to get me jealous and to get me to pay attention to her, I try to give her attention as best as I can. It is just hard when she has done so much to me, not only that but she still hangs around them alot. So its hard to trust her. IF i cant trust her, I dont feel like I can be close with her....As of now we break up and go out again often. She has promised she wont do anything again, and I promised her I would be a better boyfriend. So far she has kept her promis and I havent really kept mine. Now its to the point where if she isnt around me I think she is cheating, Im psycotically jealous, what should I do to help my situation?

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* May 15, 2004, 07:55:24 PM
#1
­Sounds like the issue isn't you... You have promised her so much when she least deserved it. To be honest, not trusting her is a huge issue in a relationship. If you can't trust her then that isn't much of a realationship. I may seem harsh but I am just saying that trust is a big issue. Maybe you need to talk to her about her necesity of attention... and you need to learn not to keep taking her back after she has cheated so many times.

Ashley

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May 15, 2004, 11:10:45 PM
#2
­Hi David first I am struck by how little you think of yourself, meaning why would you take much less continue to take the abuse you do from your g/f and then actually believe it is your fault. You aren’t doing “anything” to cause your g/f to go out on you. We can’t make other people do anything they don’t want to do. That is just her using a guilt trip to not take responsibility for her actions and to continue them. Trust and love go together and I am sorry but this girl doesn’t care about anyone not even herself except in a very self centered way. I think she is cruel and has been cruel to you all along. If you think you are jealous and that is your problem that is where the problem is. That is like when someone is following you and someone says you are just paranoid nooooo paranoid is when you “think” someone is following you but they aren’t. But David this girl keeps going out on you, you are NOT causing it and I am afraid it will not stop. If someone isn’t faithful they don’t become faithful over time. If we love someone or even if we care about someone we don’t do things to intentionally hurt them. If we happen to do something we didn’t know was going to hurt them, that is one thing and then you don’t repeat the behavior because you don’t want to hurt the person now that you know what you did hurt them. But, in this case everyone knows betrayal is the worst of the worst you can do to anyone much less to keep repeating the behavior she knows exactly what she is doing and she is driving you crazy doing it. Now why are you taking it? Are you desperate and think so little of yourself that you would rather have any girl, including one that lies, cheats and makes empty promises then blames it all on you than find a nice girl who really cares about you and you can trust??
So in reality your problem is “what is wrong with you” to where you are willing to put up with this kind of behavior and even believe that somehow you deserve it because of your behavior? This is a sign that you don’t think very much of yourself because I really can’t believe you have been taking this for 8 months.
Let’s say you were even an abuser and treated your g/f bad well the correct behavior on her part would be to break up with you, not to go out on you with other guys and cheapen herself. Her behavior proves she thinks very little of herself which would make me also take another look at why do you want a relationship with someone like that?
I learned a great way to never get confused about whether someone really cared about me or loved me in a relationship, so if the other person was a “game player” I wouldn’t fall for it. I also wouldn’t get confused to where I questioned myself by the other person making me think it was my fault that they were hurting me. What I do and it is 100% fool proof, when I am dating someone and I don’t feel things are going as they should, or I feel I am not being treated right or whatever but I know something inside is telling me something is wrong with the relationship I just put it to my fool proof test. I ask myself would I treat this person or do to this person what they are doing to me if the answer is no then I know it isn’t me and that they really don’t care about me and I am being taken. If I say yes, I would do or say the same thing to someone I care about or love then I know it might just be me and my own insecurities. Now, you apply this, would you go out on your g/f ? Then would you lie to her and make her feel it was her fault and would you keep going out on her and tell her all this crap about it is to get her attention or whatever? This is your answer David. We all want to be loved and treated with respect and dignity. We all want to be loved the way we feel inside for the person we love and want to love us, that is why I know this test works and never fails to give the correct answer. It is easy to get confused because we want someone so bad they can mess with our head and heart to where we do doubt ourselves and will take blame for things that are no where near our fault. That is why I am giving out my fool proof two question test that can never fail you and also it is great because you can trust it and not have to question yourself about whether you are thinking right or not. These two questions can not lie or fail you and the answers are the truth of the whole situation no matter what is going on in the relationship. Sorry it took me 20 years to figure out how to formulate a fool proof test to keep myself from getting confused and hurt again. But at least I can now help all you teens from having to get hurt so much.
I am sorry, it hurts me that you have been taking this and then actually believe somehow it is your fault because you are not giving her the attention she demands. Well, sorry she has some real growing up to do, nobody is going to just jump to her demands and then if they don’t she runs to another guy well in 99% of the cases any other guy would tell her where to get off and leave her. You are the exception and unfortunately not in a good way for you, because David there is another known saying “no one will ever care for you or treat you any better than you care for or treat yourself.” So, it is important for you to work this out in yourself. See, if you had self respect you wouldn’t take this off her and then you wouldn’t attract girls that would do this to you. But if you are willing to accept her behavior as acceptable and believe she cares about you then you are going to attract girls that are going to treat you badly and that will reinforce that there must be something wrong with you. But this isn’t true as you can see if you accept this behavior then you attract girls that are willing to treat you badly and that reinforces your low self esteem and this is how you grow into an adult who has abusive and unhealthy relationships. Your feelings that you are over jealous and all the things that are running around in your mind are validated because you keep attracting the same kind of girl who will keep treating you like this girl does because you are willing to take it. Talk to your male friends I guarantee they would tell you to dump her and that they would never take that kind of behavior off a girlfriend, nor should they.
Go back to my fool proof test, if someone was treating me badly I wouldn’t go out on them and jeopardize my reputation, getting a disease or being used by a guy, that would be stupid and it would show that I didn’t think much of myself. But because I love myself and care about me I would ask myself the question, OK would I treat my b/f like my b/f is treating me and if my answer was no I would break up with him and find a guy that treated me the way I wanted to be treated. See how all this plays out???
So it all comes back to you and what you want for David. Do you want to have a relationship where you have a g/f you can respect and trust? Who then will respect and honor your trust in return which would mean you both have self respect and on your way to a healthy self and a healthy relationship. Or do you want to continue attracting a girl who lies, cheats and thinks very little of you and herself and then makes you believe less and less of yourself?
As you see another girl answered the same thing I did. I think everyone who reads your letter will agree you need to look at yourself, what I have said and make some hard decisions about how you feel about David. Do you want and feel you deserve the real deal a loving relationship or continue down this destructive path where you will lose either way. I hope you decide you want the best for yourself and go for it. You have nothing to lose and so much to gain. I hope you think you are worth it. I DO!
MaryAnne

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* May 16, 2004, 01:32:19 AM
#3
­I will definetly take your advice into account, Im glad you guys voice your opinions on the relationship I have. The only thing I guess I didnt really make clear is that she never lied. She told me everything she did within hours of doing it every time. I guess we are both a little confused and both have some maturing to do...but for now im going to do what I think is best

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May 19, 2004, 12:01:42 AM
#4
­ David:

I apologize I guess to me repeating the same behavior when you know it hurts the one you love and causes distrust I put as lying. You are right you never said she lied. Now I don't know what kind of release of responsibility for her actions that gives her that you can do anything to anyone as long as you don't lie but I do want you to know that neither I nor the other girl that responded meant to seem like we were coming down on you in fact just the opposite. I know for me I feel you are getting hurt for no reason and yes, you are young and of course you have growing up to do but I still would like you to look at why you are willing to take behavior that even you admit is driving you crazy because David you can't make yourself trust when you have been betrayed. I have worked with adults, married couples and that is why I said it is rare for a relationship where betrayal happens and then repeatedly ever can make it. You stated the reason right at the end of your letter, your mind won't let you forget or trust. Again as I said trust is so fragile, it takes forever to build and just a second to destroy. Now that is where you are, no matter what you try to tell yourself your mind will keep saying "but is she really being faithful." It will keep eating at you so sometime you are going to need help working through that. When you are there and ready I am here and will do my best to help you. I know you are going to stay with her and at this point no matter what anyone says you are going to keep the faith and you are going to get hurt eventually. But that is part of that growing up you need to do and it will come naturally. So let's not push you, just know the consequences and that at this point you need to be with her, believe that she will never do it again and believe that I don't know the outcome. Hey I was the same way all people are so go for it and do what you need to do. Just know this I am here for you and if you ever need to work through this I can help you work it through. If you get hurt I will help you work through that OK? There is no right or wrong and you do whatever you need to do. I just have to stay real and honest with you because that is what I learned all this for to help teens not have to go through all the pain and make all the mistakes that we did. But the bottom line you pick and choose which mistakes and lessons you need to learn and I will back you all the way. I just am glad if you ever come up on something you would rather avoid you have someone who does know and will help you. I want you to know that I am here for you for whatever, to answer a question, to understand something about yourself or to help you through what you have chosen to learn OK???
Good luck and I hope it works out between the two of you. Just remember you are special and I respect your wishes to do what you think is best. In fact I want you to always pick that answer after you get feedback from those who know more and you respect then you do what you think it right.
Let me know what happens David or if you ever need help I am here for you and so are lots of others. This site is full of very knowledgeable and caring teens.
MaryAnne

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Where you know you can come for Professional, personal, right on target advice, life skills, crisis intervention,ask questions, confide in guaranteed help. With all the traps, scams, perverts and sites out there that are very unsafe, this site is your safe place. I have been doing this for 10 years.